Kain Presents: Blood Omen 1
by MortalSora
Summary: One day, Kain is having 'supper' and finds a camera so he can make his own movies! My first fic, R&R please!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Why do I have to do this? Everyone knows I don't own LoK or any of it's characters. Oh, and updates may take a long time because I'm going to replay Blood Omen 1 for better accuracy. This is my first fic, enjoy!  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
KAIN PRESENTS: BLOOD OMEN 1  
  
  
  
In the streets of Meridian:  
  
Helpless Peasant: Help me, please!  
  
Kain: Die! (Kain kills him and sucks his blood. Then he sees that the peasant was  
  
holding a shiny object and he picks it up)  
  
  
  
At Kain's throne:  
  
Raziel: Um.(sees Kain coming and tenses up) Hey Kain!  
  
Kain: What're you doing wrong?  
  
(Zephon walks out from behind the throne with a six-pack, of blood of course, then  
  
sees Kain)  
  
Zephon: (nervously) Hey Kain! What's up?  
  
(Melchiah, Rahab, Dumah, and Turel also walk out with six-packs)  
  
Turel: Um.hey.  
  
Kain: What the hell are you doing!?  
  
Zephon: Y'see, a Sarafan had stolen your six-packs and we were returning them.  
  
Kain: (stares at Zephon)  
  
Zephon: Want one?  
  
Melchiah: (to Zephon) Let me deal with this. (to Kain) They made me do it!  
  
Kain: Give me those!  
  
(Kain snatches his six-packs back)  
  
Raziel: So.what're you here for?  
  
Kain: I found this device. You know how when you live and go forward in time you can  
  
never get those past memories back?  
  
Zephon: what.?  
  
Dumah: I do!  
  
Kain: Well, with this device, you can "record" time and replay it.  
  
All except Rahab and Kain: Wow!  
  
Rahab: Kain, I never knew you kept a diary!  
  
Zephon: Kain's a little girl so keeps a diary! (sees Kain look at him) I'm so sorry!  
  
Rahab: Hey, it has pictures!  
  
Zephon: Oh! Lemme see!  
  
Kain: Enough! Since I can relive moments with this device, I'm going to present to you  
  
the story of when I became a vampire. I have the perfect name for it: Blood Omen.  
  
Turel: (trying to suck up the blood from the can from afar like Kain does when he  
  
feeds, then Kain hits him in the head with the can) Sorry.  
  
Raziel: Well, this sounds cool and all, but can you remember all the dialogue?  
  
Kain: Nope. I've got the cast for this 'movie.'  
  
(Vorador steps from behind the throne with a six-pack)  
  
Vorador: A movie!?  
  
Kain: Damn it Vorador!  
  
Vorador: We've been spotted, come on out Janos. (then Janos came out of hiding)  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Vorador: I wanted a drink and so did Janos.  
  
Janos: So, what's the cast?  
  
Kain: Okay, Kain will be played by me. Raziel, you're Mobius.  
  
Raziel: You're joking!  
  
Kain: Nope!  
  
Dumah: Can I be Mortanius?  
  
Kain: Sure. Melchiah, you're Nupraptor.  
  
Turel: Can I be you when you were a human?  
  
Kain: If you want. Rahab, you're Bane.  
  
Zephon: Can I be Ariel?  
  
(Everyone stares at Zephon)  
  
Zephon: Ok, I take it that's a yes. Did she wear a bra?  
  
Kain: Zephon, you are so freakin' stupid.  
  
Zephon: I'm gonna need to dress just like her, so I gotta go steal her clothes, bye.  
  
(Zephon runs off)  
  
Raziel: Is he gonna do what I think he's gonna do?  
  
Dumah: Probably.  
  
Kain: Turel, you're Hash.  
  
Vorador: What about me?  
  
Kain: Vorador, you're Vorador. Idiot.  
  
Janos: Who am I?  
  
Kain: Anacrothe and Malek.  
  
Janos: What?  
  
Kain: Stop whining!  
  
Raziel: I have a problem with this script.  
  
Kain: You don't know what happened, so stop fussing!  
  
(Zephon ran into the room in the same clothing as when he left)  
  
Zephon: Wow, it's hard to sneak up on a spirit, much less steal one's clothes. I didn't  
  
think of that before. Now I'll have to find fake clothes. Do you think that she wore a  
  
push-up bra?  
  
Kain: SHUT UP! I WILL IMMOLATE YOU!  
  
Zephon: (scared) Ooookay dada.  
  
Vorador: When are we gonna start filming?  
  
Kain: Very soon. We've just got to get Zephon a Dejoule outfit.  
  
Turel: Sir Kain, no more girly outfits left sir,sir!  
  
Kain: Damn it.  
  
(Zephon came walking up in a brown robe with high heels on, a push-up bra with a  
  
definite attempt to show cleavage)  
  
Kain: Dejoule wasn't a WHORE!  
  
Zephon: Oops.  
  
(Dumah came up with a cheap skeleton Halloween outfit on under a black robe)  
  
Dumah: Why does everyone wear robes?  
  
(Rahab came up dressed in a robe)  
  
Rahab: It's so easy dressing up for this. Just put on a robe and you're a new person.  
  
(Raziel came up in a robe with the words "Time Streamer" written on it)  
  
Kain: Why do you have the words "Time Streamer" written on your robe?  
  
Raziel: Well, cause everyone is wearing robes, and without a label, someone might get  
  
confused.  
  
Kain: Mobius had a stomach.and a bottom jaw.and any other muscles that got  
  
destroyed when you fell into the abyss.  
  
Raziel: .asshole.  
  
(Melchiah walked up in armor, a cape, and that's it)  
  
Kain: Your head looks nothing like Nupraptor's head.  
  
Melchiah: Well, what can I do about that?  
  
Kain: I still have his head; maybe you could borrow it.  
  
Melchiah: No friggin' way.  
  
Kain: I think I'll do that.  
  
(Vorador walked up dressed as.Vorador)  
  
Kain: Couldn't you use makeup and look younger?  
  
Vorador: Well.  
  
(Zephon was walking by a heard the question)  
  
Zephon: You know, I can get you some perfume from the women's room.  
  
Vorador: No thank you.  
  
Zephon: All right. (then Zephon walked away)  
  
Kain: You're not getting any younger.  
  
(Next came Janos in armor and helmet, but looked more like the tin man from Wizard  
  
of Oz)  
  
Janos: This armor is so stiff.  
  
Kain: I'm not gonna insult you.  
  
Janos: If it rains, you're in trouble.  
  
(then Zephon walked up in a robe with fake long hair going down to his knees with lip  
  
stick on, high heels on, and filing his nails. Kain just sighs)  
  
Zephon: You know, dressing up like a woman can be a Zen-like experience.  
  
Melchiah: I too have a problem with this script. It says that Nupraptor and Ariel were  
  
lovers.  
  
Kain: (amused) Yes.  
  
Zephon: I'm sorry, but I can't love a man like that. Especially my own brother.  
  
Kain: Get over it. Now, for a voice session. Raziel, can you sound like Mobius?  
  
Raziel: (in a very pissed off tone) No!  
  
Kain: That was perrrrrrrfect.  
  
Raziel: I hate you.  
  
Dumah: I've got a problem.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Dumah: With this mask on, I can't see a thing!  
  
Kain: I can fix that. (pokes the eyes of the mask because there are no eye holes)  
  
Better?  
  
Dumah: Ow! Nope, still no eyeholes.  
  
Kain: I can try again.  
  
Dumah: No thanks. And, since Mortanius is just a skeleton, how can he talk?  
  
Kain: I don't know. Next!  
  
Melchiah: (in an old, shriveled tone) I'm Nupraptor!  
  
Kain: Good enough.  
  
Turel: (in deep Scottish accent) Ay, Kain!  
  
Kain: I'm NOT Scottish!  
  
Rahab: (old voice) Top of the morning to you Kain! Why is everybody old?  
  
Zephon: (in smooth female voice) Hello, Kain.  
  
Kain: Next!  
  
Janos: (in scratchy voice) Hey, you evil vile vampire bastard!  
  
Kain: Good! We can start.now!  
  
Turel: Wait a second! Can this be a musical?  
  
Kain: No!  
  
Turel: C'mon, musicals are fun!  
  
Kain: No one pranced around in tights singing while fighting in my journey.  
  
Turel: Aw, c'mon. It can be like West Side Story!  
  
Kain: Not a chance in hell!  
  
Turel: Aw. (to himself) It would be cool if there was a musical of Romeo and Juliet.  
  
Kain: Okay. Let's just start this thing already.  
  
Zephon: Showtime! (Zephon starts to drink one of Kain's six-packs then realizes what  
  
he's doing and stops)  
  
  
  
Note: I don't dislike any of the characters (except maybe Mobius) just in case you wondered if I disliked Raziel for making him Mobius. Please review! 


	2. Prologue

Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own LoK or any of its characters.  
  
Note: I have no clue who any of the 5 circle guardians were, but I'm guessing one of  
  
them was Dejoule, oh and the first few chapters may be short  
  
At Kain's throne, he's put up a doorway set with double doors and a bowl with five  
  
people around it  
  
Kain (voice over): You are about to experience Blood Omen 1. Can't remember all the  
  
dialogue, but it's gonna have an attitude and no freakin' singing!  
  
(Vorador, as 'Vorador', kicked the left door down, which crushed one of the circle  
  
members. Vorador had a golden soul reaver that was obviously made out of cardboard  
  
because it had some splinters sticking out and it was like one of the really fake swords  
  
where when you stab someone, the plastic blade goes in the hilt to make the death  
  
look real, only now, it looked stupid because Kain's budget was $5)  
  
Circle member: I hope some green bastard doesn't kill me. (then Vorador kills him)  
  
Oops! I guess I was wrong. I'm dead! Malek!  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): (in smooooth female voice) Oh, please don't kill me. Malek! You  
  
won't kill me; my smooth long legs arouse you, no?  
  
Vorador: (disgusted) No!  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): Oh, don't be a tease. (then Vorador kills him) That was a tease.  
  
Gaaahh, I'm dead!  
  
(then Vorador turns to mist and goes to Old circle member, who has tattoos, scars, a  
  
sneer, and a machine gun)  
  
Old circle member: Arghh! I'm the Guardian of Rambo! Arghh! You can't stop me!  
  
(Vorador cuts the machine gun in half, then stabs the Guardian) Arghh! Malek!  
  
(Janos, as 'Malek' came running forward, and it looked a lot like Janos, only with a  
  
helmet taped to his face and armor taped to his body, making him also look stupid)  
  
Vorador: Call your sheep! (then Vorador drank his 'blood', which was really just red  
  
PowerAde) I'll be back! (then Vorador turns to mist as Malek ran into the room)  
  
Janos (as Malek): Aw, come on. Where is everybody!? It was hard getting all this armor  
  
on and now (starts fake crying) no one's here, just trying to hurt me feelings..  
  
Vorador (as Vorador): SHUT THE HELL UP! Christ, you're stupid and whiny. (then  
  
Vorador hits him with the incredibly fake soul reaver)  
  
At Kain's throne room, he had another new fake-looking set up, with Janos (as Malek)  
  
chained up and Dumah (as Mortanius) looking at Malek with glee  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): For royally screwing up and not saving the Circle, Malek of the  
  
Sarfan, you are damn stupid. Oh, and damned. You are now our bitch.  
  
Janos (as Malek): (obviously insulted) W-what!?  
  
Dumah: (muttering) I love damning people. (as Mortanius) You are our bitch! Oh, and  
  
the pleasure of flesh is no more! (Janos, as 'Malek' has his soul put into the suit of  
  
armor, but since Kain couldn't edit out the flesh, there was still flesh) Damn it!  
  
Janos (as Malek): Ha, I still have my flesh! (walking away as Janos and muttering) I'm  
  
nobody's bitch, I'll kick their butts calling me their bitch.  
  
At the Pillars  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Zephon, as 'Ariel' is filing his nails looking at the Pillars whistling out  
  
what he's gonna do tonight, then has a thought) I hope no evil possessed Guardian of  
  
Death is gonna sneak up on me and kill me. That would be a real drag. (then a  
  
possessed Guardian of Death comes and stabs Zephon) Gyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (the  
  
scream gets so amazingly high pitched that the Sound stuns all vampires)  
  
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh (then Zephon, as 'Ariel' collapses and wiggles a bit before  
  
having a fake death) I'm dead!  
  
  
  
Kain (voice over): Well, filming that part sure was not fun. Everyone screwed up half of  
  
the time and pissed me off. Oh well, at least my Blood Omen 1 is beginning. And look,  
  
there are even some bloopers.  
  
  
  
Take 1  
  
(the five Guardians are innocently sitting around when they hear a large 'bomp' sound)  
  
Vorador: (muffled, from behind the doors) Ow!  
  
Kain: Vorador, you have to push it forward, NOT pull it backward.  
  
Take 2  
  
(Vorador uses all of his strength after being humiliated and kicks the left door down,  
  
followed by the right, then followed by the scene)  
  
Vorador: Oops.  
  
Kain: Damn it Vorador!  
  
Take 7  
  
(Vorador gets to Zephon, as Dejoule  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): (in in smooooth female voice) Oh, please don't kill me. Malek! You  
  
won't kill me; my smooth long legs arouse you, no? (as Zephon) Damn, I have sexy  
  
legs, now I'm aroused!  
  
Kain: I'LL KILL YOU ZEPHON!  
  
(Turel comes up to try to calm down Kain)  
  
Turel: Y'know, here's something you should think about. (in a singing voice) Some  
  
things can make you mad. Some things can make you curse. But you shoooouuuuld  
  
Always look on the bright side of li-  
  
Kain: (to Turel) STOP SINGING AT ME!!!  
  
Turel: (afraid) Yes sir.  
  
Take 15  
  
Old circle member: Arghh! I'm the Guardian of Rambo! Arghh! You can't stop me! (then  
  
the Guardian of Rambo accidentally shot Vorador..a lot) Uh-oh.  
  
Take 20  
  
(Janos, as 'Malek', has run up to past the door, and is supposed to be looking for the  
  
circle members, but there's a hole in the ceiling directly above him and it rains)  
  
Janos: Oh crap. Help me, I'm stuck!  
  
Kain: Now Vorador, beat the crap outta him!  
  
Take 23  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): For royally screwing up and not saving the Circle, Malek of the  
  
Sarfan, you are damn stupid. Oh, and damned. You are now our bitch.  
  
Janos: No, you're my bitch!  
  
Dumah: You're the bitch!  
  
Janos: No, you're the bitch!  
  
Kain: SHUT THE HELL UP!  
  
(Kain's looking at what Zephon put on the script)  
  
Kain: 'Gyah?'  
  
Zephon: More dramatic than 'Ahhh.'  
  
Kain: Idiot.  
  
  
  
Well, I hope you people liked this; next time will hopefully be from Kain's death to the  
  
pillars. Don't forget to review! 


	3. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: LoK and any of the characters sadly don't belong to me. Okay, let's get this  
  
show on the road!  
  
At Kain's throne room before filming  
  
Raziel: Is Mobius the ONLY role I play?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Raziel: Why?  
  
Kain: Because you annoy the hell outta me, and now I don't have to deal with you  
  
nearly as much.  
  
Raziel: Then can I play that barkeeper at the beginning?  
  
Kain: You mean the bastard to throw me out so I could get killed?  
  
(then Dumah heard the part about Kain getting killed)  
  
Dumah: Oh! Can I be the assassin?  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Dumah: Cause I love to kill stuff.  
  
Kain: That's my son! (to Raziel) Why can't you be more like him?  
  
Dumah: Nanananana! Daddy picked me!  
  
Raziel: But he's an asshole!  
  
Kain: Exactly. (to Dumah) Would you mind if Raziel was the barkeeper?  
  
Dumah: I suppose so. The barkeeper needs a BAD actor anyway. I love you dad.  
  
Kain: I almost don't despise you Dumah.  
  
Raziel: But, what about our friendship?  
  
Kain: Aw, shut up ingrate. Time to film!  
  
Raziel: Wait! You spelled Moebius and Sarafan wrong.  
  
Kain: And you wonder why I hate you?  
  
At a tavern, filming has started  
  
Raziel (as barkeeper): The tavern's closed; go the hell away.  
  
Turel (as human Kain): (singing his lines) Whaaa-aaat? Noooo beer or alcohol or ale for  
  
aaa-aaa traveler from the mystical land of Coooo-oooorhagen? I aaaaaam a noble who  
  
can reward you weeeeell!  
  
Raziel: (whispering) What's up with you singing your lines?  
  
Turel: (whispering) Just play along. I really wanna sing.  
  
Raziel (as barkeeper): I won't stay open for you, scum! Thing's come at night that can  
  
scare the piss out of a person.  
  
(Turel, as 'human Kain' walks outside)  
  
Turel (as human Kain): And so I left. Cold and wanting to kill that vile bastard. Forced  
  
to the road, where I would have to walk 15 miles in ankle deep snow, unlike those  
  
youngsters these days who have those fancy cars.  
  
Some Dude: That's him!  
  
Dumah (as an assassin): Yippy ki yay, mother fu'er!  
  
Turel (as Kain): (sees the 2 evil people) Oh doody.  
  
The scene is now the ledge over the abyss, but with red shading  
  
(Turel, as 'human Kain' is tied to 2 poles)  
  
Turel (as human Kain): Fae Fictus-  
  
Kain: (Kain was directing this movie and heard that obviously blasphemous remark)  
  
IT'S VAE VICTUS, YOU STUPID ASS!!! (to Rahab) Can we edit what I just said out?  
  
Rahab: Nope. Not enough money.  
  
Back to the filming  
  
Turel (as human Kain): I lost to the village idiots. Now I was suffering. (Dumah, as  
  
'Mortanius', walked up to Turel, but because Dumah still couldn't see through his cheap  
  
costume, he passed Turel and almost fell into the abyss. He turned back and ran  
  
straight into Turel front and got impaled through the sword sticking through Turel) Not  
  
anything pleasurable as sexy physical pain, but instead REVENGE!  
  
Dumah: Ouch! (then Dumah pulled himself away in lots of pain, went behind Turel and  
  
yanked out the sword)  
  
Turel (as human Kain): I didn't care if I went to heaven of hell-I wanted to knock the  
  
crap outta the people who killed me. (Turel gas given the sword and the camera  
  
zoomed into his face, then Turel left and Kain came up)  
  
Kain: The Neomancer, Necromer, um, the dead dude offered me a chance for revenge.  
  
And like a complete dumbass, I leapt at his proposal without considering the cost.  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): (in severe pain) Revenge (hack) costs about (cough) $300.  
  
Kain: So then I beat the crap outta him for charging me for revenge. (Kain kicks  
  
Dumah) Nothing is free. Except Ariel. Not even revenge.  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): (still in severe pain) You shall (cough hack) have the blood you  
  
(cough) hunger for (wheeze).  
  
The scene is Kain's Mausoleum, which is really his throne room with a bed  
  
Kain: I awoke to the pain of a cliché coffin. (Kain looked at his Iron Sword, which was  
  
really just a pipe he found in the dump) Forged by the Sirloin Steak lovers, the  
  
legendary chefs of Nosgoth, this blade will be my can of wup ass. (then he looks at his  
  
Iron Armor, which is just his body painted red & black since Kain never wore a shirt. He  
  
thought is was sexier without a shirt on) As it was born in hellfire, forged by the  
  
Nerotic, um, the dead dude's magic, my armor is immune to fire and gives me defense.  
  
(Kain noticed that he had magic) This is the sanctuary spell, a piece of crap spell that  
  
nobody uses. (then he noticed an item-The Heart of Darkness) Ah, the heart ripped  
  
from the ancient sissy-boy Jano Audrey. I will find more Hearts of Darknesses  
  
throughout my journey, leaving me to wonder, how many freakin' hearts does that guy  
  
have!?  
  
Kain got up, killed a few people, pressed random buttons then left his sanctuary,  
  
changing the scene to a graveyard  
  
Kain: I think I needed glasses, cause the world looked different. The sun burned  
  
because of my crappy sun lotion. This was not turning out to be a good day. (a tiny  
  
raindrop fell on the tip of Kain's finger) IT BURNS! AHHH! (more rain came and he just  
  
stood there yelling) AHHH! IT BURNS!  
  
(So Kain was exiting the graveyard and found a flay)  
  
Kain: To be blunt, these curious little devils kill people when I throw them at people. I  
  
wonder if it'd hurt if I threw one at me? (Kain throws a flay at himself) CRAP! That hurt,  
  
guess I won't do that again. I'm hungry and weak and I don't care, I'll find my  
  
murderers and they can kiss my ass if they try to kill me. (so Kain found his murderers  
  
who saw him also)  
  
Some Dude: Oh crap.  
  
Dumah (as an assassin): (still in deep pain) We killed you, you assbag.  
  
Some Dude: We'll kill you again!  
  
(Kain kills them)  
  
Kain: Haha, you're dead. Don't have to do this stuff anymore.  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): (still in pain) Tis not over yet, you idiot. They were the banjos  
  
of your murder. Go to the Pillars to find out more.  
  
So Kain walked to the nearest town, stopping halfway cause he was tired of walking,  
  
and pushed a 3-year old down and stole his tricycle. The scene changed to a village at  
  
night  
  
Random person 1: (sees Random Person 2 and Random Person 3) Look at me!  
  
Kain: Die! (Kain kills Random Person 1)  
  
Random Person 2: (sees Random Person 1 die) I sure hope that vampire doesn't try to  
  
kill me.  
  
Random Person 3: Yup.  
  
(Kain kills Random Person 2)  
  
Random Person 2: Whoa, I was wrong. Hehehe  
  
Random Person 3: Hahaha. Maybe I should run, or I could be really stupid and watch  
  
this scary vampire come over to me so I can die. (Kain kills him) Well, I just made a  
  
stupid mistake.  
  
(Kain finds a wooden bridge and steps on a red triangle that was really a voice  
  
recorder)  
  
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The Necromancer had offered me no warning  
  
as to what my resurrection would entail, and yet I must confess, in my haste, I had not  
  
sought one. Was his gift a curse? I would seek the Pillars for an answer.  
  
Kain: Now how the hell did they get my voice on that thing?  
  
(Kain walks on, then can see the pillars in the distance)  
  
Kain: The Pillars of Nosgoth. A lot of stone going high up in the sky. The thing a hippie  
  
would think of as beautiful. Stupid hippies. (Kain finds a magic circle on the ground and  
  
gets teleported to the Pillars.  
  
  
  
Kain: Well, that was the longest part filmed. Not many bloopers, since most of the  
  
bloopers couldn't be edited out due to lack of money. The budget is now $4 because a  
  
dollar of the budget went to getting me a hotdog, the most expensive thing this movie  
  
has spent.  
  
(Turel came up still in immeasurable pain)  
  
Turel: I need to be sedated. (brightens up) Hey, I can sing that!  
  
Kain: If you do, I'll cremate you with this soul reaver!  
  
Turel: Sorry, dada.  
  
Wow, I would've thought it would've taken a lot longer to update! Well, keep sending in  
  
good reviews and thanks for the reviews so far! Next, Kain meets Ariel! 


	4. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own LoK or any of 's characters. Note: I made a mistake  
  
with Turel at the end of the last chapter. Oh well  
  
  
  
At the Pillars of Nosgoth, before filming, Kian's talking on a cell phone  
  
Kain: What! Why not! Oh, crap. Bye. (hangs up and the lieutenants walk up)  
  
Melchiah: (while trying to balance Nupraptor's head on his) Who was that?  
  
Kain: Ariel.  
  
Turel: (in a poetic voice) Ariel; like the name of a poem, Ariel; like-  
  
Kain: (to Turel) SHUT UP! (to the lieutenants) I was gonna see if she could play as Ariel  
  
for this next scene.  
  
Zephon: Why? What's wrong with me playing her? Uh-oh! (dashes of to find the script)  
  
Raziel: Why couldn't she come?  
  
Kain: Why are you always in my business, Raziel!?  
  
Dumah: Why couldn't she come?  
  
Kain: She had some business to do. Yeah right.  
  
Raziel: But Dumah's in your business way more than I am. Plus, he wants you dead.  
  
Kain: Raziel, have you noticed that everyone wants me dead?  
  
Zephon (off screen): OH GOD, NO!!!!!  
  
Rahab: What the? (sees that Melchiah head fell off from decay and Nupraptor's head is  
  
in its place)  
  
Kain: Good, now I don't have to edit your head out!  
  
(Zephon rushes in)  
  
Zephon: OH MY GOD, NO!!!!!  
  
Kian: This is gonna be hard.  
  
Raziel: Why, what's wrong?  
  
Zephon: Ariel and Kain kiss!  
  
Raziel, Dumah, Rahab, and Melchiah: AHAHAHA!!!  
  
Kain: This is why I wanted Ariel herself.  
  
Zephon: I'M GONNA HAVE TO KISS KAIN!  
  
Turel: Hey, I'll pay ya!  
  
Zephon: What?  
  
Turel: If you kiss Kain, I'll give you 3 dead, ripe, juicy Sarafan.  
  
Zephon: I hate this temptation.  
  
Kain: Zephon, if you give in, I'll kill you.  
  
Turel: Juicy, yum yum Sarafan.  
  
Zephon: I hate you! Alright!  
  
Kain: DAMN YOU, ZEPHON!  
  
Raziel: Whoo-hoo!  
  
At the Pillars, filming has now started  
  
(Kain wanders up to the Pillars and Zephon, as 'Ariel' is wondering around, dressed in a  
  
leather dress, half his face painted white, wearing a bra he saw a woman wear in a  
  
Victoria's Secret catalogue, and since he didn't want to cut off the bottom half of his  
  
body, his long white legs were showing, even above the knee)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Nupraptor, you've practically killed us all you dumbass! You went  
  
insane, and now we're all insane! Unless some very sexy vampire can save us all.  
  
Kain: Get away from me spirit, or hell awaits you!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): There is nothing left for you to fear, good-looking. I'm a much more  
  
pleasing shadow of my former, erotic self, you sexy thing. I am Ariel, Guardian of  
  
Balance who's done a very crappy job that only a great hero like you could fix. But I  
  
can give you answers if you've got the questions. (Zephon, as 'Ariel' tries to float  
  
through a pillar and hits it head on)  
  
Zephon: Ow! Damn, that hurt!  
  
Kain: (rolls his eyes) I only need a cure (muttering this line cause it's in the script and  
  
he has to say it) you incredibly sexy woman who I'd like to have sex with.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): There isn't a cure for death, man-meat, only release. Put bluntly, you  
  
must kill a lot of people to save everyone and yourself. The Nine Protectors of Hope,  
  
which are the Pillar of Nine, were supposed to protect people, but we screwed up and  
  
now we have a sexy vampire to save us. Now a traitor has droven us all insane. Or  
  
should it be driven us insane? I don't know. My murder at the hands of this evil  
  
possessed Guardian of Death drove my toy-boy Nupraptor insane. You must restore  
  
balance so we can have sex, you heroic vampire!  
  
Kain: I don't give a crap about this world!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Then for me. Let's embrace! (Zephon, as 'Ariel', and Kain hugged  
  
each other, and there was no way he'd kiss Zephon, so Zephon took a hold of Kain,  
  
dipped him, and kissed his lips like a compassionate Ariel would do, then he dropped  
  
Kain, and ran of the set to get some soap to put in his mouth then rinse)  
  
Kain: !!! (still shocked and horrified at what just happened) Nu-nu- nupraptor, with  
  
vengeance in mind, would destroy Nosgoth unless I, the great hero, did something  
  
about him. And to make things short, all the Guardians had to die and I had to get  
  
something that belonged to them to heal them Pillars.  
  
(So Kain walked to another teleport pad and got teleported to another forest-like place,  
  
where he walked, killed, walked, killed, you see the pattern here? Then he found  
  
something strange)  
  
Kain: Damn, that's strange! What is that? (looks on the side of the structure. It said  
  
"Bat Beacon" made in China) The Bat Beacon. When I can turn into a bat, this thingy  
  
will lead me back here. (then he sees a Bat card thing) What a convenient coincidence.  
  
With this thingy, I can turn into a bat and run into stuff like these Bat Beacons!  
  
(So Kain walked and killed some more until he found a cave-like building. He walked in  
  
a got the Light spell)  
  
Kain: Hm, a magical light. Natural light kills a vampire soooo, this magic Light has to be  
  
a trap! Damn, I'm clever! (Kain goes further into the cave, only to be hit by numerous  
  
floating spike ball thingies and have numerous skeletons blow up at him) It's dark, I  
  
can't see a thing. What should I do about it? I know! Every time a skeleton blows up on  
  
me, light flashes for a second, so I've gotta get blown up to see! Bet whoever designed  
  
this didn't think I'd think of this. (so Kain went on hitting everything in his path like an  
  
idiot would. Finally, he gets teleported back outside where he was before he entered)  
  
Bad Guy 1: Hey, is that a vampire?  
  
Bad Guy 2: I don't know, let's go see. (so the two bad guys walk up to Kain)  
  
Bad Guy 1: Hey, are you a vampire? (Kain kills him)  
  
Bad Guy 2: Dude! Bitchin', you're a vampire! (Kain kills him too)  
  
(So Kain once again walks a long way, gets tired, and forces Bad Guy 3 to give him a  
  
piggy-back ride. When Kain was done, he paid back Bad Guy 3 by killing him. Then Kain  
  
reaches a cave and goes inside)  
  
Kain: Ok, where am I now? (sees the wolf icon and steps on it) Dude, I can be a wolf  
  
now! Wolves kick so much ass. (he turns into a wolf and a dude stabs him, so Kain kills  
  
the guy and sucks the guys blood as a wolf) Sucking blood as a wolf kicks butt! (Kain  
  
sees a spike pit and jumps over it, but halfway across the spikes, he turns back to  
  
normal cause of lack of magical power) This can't be good. (Kain falls into the spikes)  
  
IT BURNS! Wait a second, no it doesn't. BUT IT HURTS A LOT! (so Kain jumps out of  
  
the pit and is just when to leave) Damn spike-  
  
Zephon (off stage): IT BURNS!!! AHHH!!!  
  
Kain: That would be Zephon washing his mouth out with water.  
  
(Kain continues on and leaves and when he gets outside, he finds more Hearts of  
  
Darknesses)  
  
Kain: Ok, I'm serious here. How many times does his heart get ripped out! Does he  
  
donate them every time he gets killed or what?  
  
(Kain is enjoying himself in wolf form, hopping around for no good reason and having a  
  
good time chasing his tail, when he discovers he's lost)  
  
Kain: I'm lost.  
  
(So Kain sees yet another cave and goes in)  
  
Kain: It's a spirit forge. The wraiths and shades a forge keeper offers items beyond  
  
mortal dreams in exchange for blood. The forge keeper forge items with forfeit souls.  
  
(with a whiny voice) But why do I have to be the one!?  
  
Rahab (as Forge Keeper): Whoever approach the Spirit Forge must answer me, these  
  
questions three, ere the, um, ere you get stuff.  
  
Kain: Go on, I'm not afraid!  
  
Rahab (as Forge Keeper): Question 1. What is your name?  
  
Kain: Kain.  
  
Rahab (as Forge Keeper): Question 2. What is your quest?  
  
Kain: To kill a bunch of people.  
  
Rahab (as Forge Keeper): Question 3. Was Zephon's tongue tasty! Hahaha!  
  
Kain: Hey, I'll kick your ass!  
  
Rahab (as Forge Keeper): Here's your item. (gives Kain 1 Flay)  
  
Kain: 1 Flay! That's it! Cheap bastard!  
  
(then Kain leaves once again and finds, you guessed it, another cave)  
  
Kain: My god, is Nosgoth nothing but caves!? (Kain enters the cave and finds the  
  
Energy Bolt) With this spell, I can blow stuff up! Finally, something I can use! (Kain  
  
shot one just for fun, it hit the set, but the set had a bouncy ball behind it, so the spell  
  
bounced off the ball and hit Kain) THIS USELESS PIECE OF TRASH! (Kain goes further  
  
and finds 20 of those annoying as hell floating demon things that shoot homing  
  
projectiles) Screw this, I'm outta here!  
  
(Kain leaves and finds a bridge that has 3 very little pebbles. No matter how hard Kain  
  
tries, he can't push them out of the way. So Kain walks away crying thinking this was  
  
all for nothing when he stumbles across a blood fountain)  
  
Turel (as Blood Fountain): (in poetic voice) The blood of ages flows like the sunlight  
  
flows over the grace of the land.  
  
Kain: I swear, I'll castrate you with the soul reaver if you don't stop your singing!  
  
Turel (as Blood Fountain): But I wasn't singing.  
  
Kain: You know what I mean! Now shut up and get back to the script! (Kain drinks  
  
blood from the blood fountain)  
  
Turel (as Blood Fountain): You can now push small pebbles with ease. (as Kain's  
  
walking away) Puny wussy.  
  
(So Kain really was able to push the very tiny pebbles out of the way and enters  
  
Nachtholm)  
  
Kain: I'm at Nath, um, Nack, oh screw it! I'm at weird name place! Communist  
  
Germans, with their weird names. (Kain goes around, killing innocents and finds a Slow  
  
Time and an Implode) Of all the methods I employ, this is perhaps the cruelest, causing  
  
my victim's body to shrink on itself, crushing bones and rupturing organs 'til the  
  
pressure inside burst the sac of fleshy skin, spraying its contents for all to see. DAMN,  
  
I'm good!  
  
(Kain leaves again and finds Steinchencröe and sees a wooden castle)  
  
Kain: Ah, good old Stechecro, the place that smells like a third-world country. (Kain  
  
looks around and finds Special Guest Magnus as Old Insane Dude because Magnus and  
  
Old Insane Dude are both insane)  
  
Magnus (as Old Insane Dude): Those bastards in Steinchencröe denied me of my  
  
MEAT!  
  
Kain: ?  
  
Magnus (as Old Insane Dude): THEY BETTER GIVE ME MY MEAT! IT'S CAUSE OF THE  
  
WAY I LOOK! BRING ME SOME MEAT!  
  
Kain: (standing in a heroic stance) They way you look. Thanks, bye. (Kain leaves)  
  
Magnus (as Old Insane Dude) WHERE'S MY FREAKIN' MEAT!?  
  
(Kain once again leaves and enters a town called Vasserbünde and sees teepees, or  
  
however you spell that)  
  
Kain: Damn, I'll have to deal with Indians! Stupid hippies! (Kain sneaks his way around  
  
the hippies and finds a costume) I don't want a gigolo costume! Oh well. (Kain dresses  
  
as a gigolo and when he steps out, a male Indian smiles at him and Kain ran away then  
  
saw that he was in Vasserbünde)  
  
Kain: Not another confusing name! This place used to be grand, but now stupid and  
  
crappy and just outside Nupraptor's Rehab. Nupraptor's Rehab lay west of  
  
Vasernoobus. I will cut the heart from its cancer!  
  
  
  
Kain: Thought we would never get that one done filming! Damn, at the bloopers!  
  
----------------- Take 1  
  
Kain: I only need a cure (muttering) you incredibly sexy woman who I'd love to have  
  
sex with.  
  
Zephon: Oh, you're such a flirt!  
  
Kain: WHAT!?  
  
Zephon: (innocently) Just joking.  
  
----------------- Take 2  
  
Zephon: Now a traitor has droiven us insane.  
  
Kain: Droiven?  
  
Zephon: Well, it's either drove or driven, but now, it's a combination of both!  
  
Kain: Idiot.  
  
-------------------- Take 5  
  
(Zephon dips Kain, kisses him, then drops him. Zephon then trips on Kain's body that  
  
on the ground and falls on him)  
  
Zephon: You know, this really doesn't look right.  
  
Kain: GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!  
  
------------- Take 10  
  
Kain: It's a spirit forge. The wraiths and shades a forge keeper offers items beyond  
  
mortal dreams in excha-  
  
(then Zephon ran across the stage on fire, ran in a circle and then just stood there)  
  
Raziel: Stop, drop, and roll!  
  
(so Zephon stop, drops and rolled right into the blood fountain, which was really just red PowerAde)  
  
Zephon: IT BURNS!!!  
  
Kain: What the hell's going on here?  
  
Raziel: It's complicated. I bet him that he couldn't stand gurgling with water for more  
  
than 4 seconds, he thought he could and he did, so he spit the water out and it landed  
  
on a flame!  
  
Kain: So that's why he's on fire?  
  
Raziel: No, it's because he wanted to see what he looked like on fire.  
  
----------------- Take 23  
  
Magnus (Old Insane Dude): I WANT MY MEAT! (then Magnus begins eating Kain)  
  
Kain: Help! This vicious Chihuahua thing is biting me! That hurt you bastard!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------  
  
Kain: Well, this was a pain in the ass to film, I've still got bite marks from Magnus!  
  
Magnus: (sees Melchiah and sees Melchiah kinda falling apart) MEAT!!! (Magnus goes  
  
over and chews on Melchiah)  
  
Melchiah: (while being eaten) HELP!!!!!  
  
Kain: Until next time, good night.  
  
  
  
  
  
This chapter took a bit of research, so appreciate it. I just thought that since Kain is so  
  
egotistical that he would tell his sons he's a lot braver and better with the ladies,  
  
especially Ariel than he really is. Hope you liked this chapter and don't forget to review! 


	5. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or any characters and blah blah blah  
  
A the throne room before filming, Raziel walks up to Kain  
  
Raziel: (pissed off) Ok, that's it! I don't need you, old man! You need me!  
  
Kain: What are you talking about?  
  
Raziel: You like Dumah better than me! So I don't have to take this, you old bastard!  
  
Yeah, I said that you tyrant! And why? Cause...Turel, take it away!  
  
Turel: (singing) Cause, he ain't gonna take it no more, no more, no more, no more! Hit  
  
the road Raz, cause you ain't gonna take it no more!  
  
Raziel: Yeah! What do you think of that! I'm outta here! (then Raziel left)  
  
Kain: Damn it. Now we've lost our King William the Just.  
  
Turel: Oh, can I be him?  
  
Kain: No, because you'll sing at me.  
  
Melchiah: How about me!  
  
Kain: Your arm would fall off during the fight! And just in case anyone else is  
  
wondering, Zephon can't cause I don't even trust him with a pocket knife! Dumah can't  
  
cause he'd try to kill me! And Rahab can't because..just because.  
  
Vorador: May I suggest (whispers in Kain's ear) Is that ok?  
  
Kain: Whatever.  
  
Vorador: (to Janos) Hey, Janos, can I borrow a Heart of Darkness?  
  
Janos: Sure. (hands Vorador a Heart of Darkness) I have plenty more where that came  
  
from.  
  
Kain: Ok, I have a question that I've always wanted to ask and I'm determined to figure  
  
this out. YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO HAVE ONE HEART! HOW THE HELL DO YOU  
  
HAVE SO MANY HEARTS!?  
  
(Vorador returns with the new William the Just)  
  
Vorador: We have no time for that Kain.  
  
Kain: I present to you our new King William the Just! The name is..Umah!  
  
Dumah: WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE! She's a woman!  
  
Rahab: Yeah! What about us!?  
  
Zephon: Something's not right here! Her boobs are the biggest part of her body!  
  
(everyone just stares at Zephon) Well, look at them! They're like..bigger than her  
  
head!  
  
Kain: Well, I can trust her more than any of you! Let's start filming!  
  
Zephon: (to Turel) Hey, give me something poetic to say to her. (Turel whispers some  
  
stuff in his ears and Zepphon walks up to Umah) (insert poetic voice) Umah, you're face  
  
is as beautiful as the rising sun over the horizon. Your eyes are beautiful enough to be  
  
worth gold. Your breasts are like nature's balloon, big and ready to pop. (she punches  
  
him hard then walks away)  
  
Turel: (smirking) How'd it go?  
  
Zephon: You gave me a bad poem! Why do the women of Nosgoth hate it when people  
  
said they have big boobs? I would've thought they'd think it was flattering.  
  
  
  
The filming has started and the scene is Vasserbünde, and Kain is still dressed as a  
  
gigolo for undercover work  
  
Kain: Don't mind me, I'm just a gigolo!  
  
Male Stranger: The night's can get real cold around here. I can warm you up, if you  
  
know what I mean.  
  
Kain: !  
  
Male Stranger: In other words, I mean sex.  
  
Kain: Not a chance in hell.  
  
(So Kain continued on until he got to the gate that led to Nupraptor's Rehab. The gate  
  
was closed)  
  
Kain: Y'know, I'm gonna start calling Rahab Rehab from now on.  
  
(Kain entered the little building that had a switch in the back. He went for the switch,  
  
but Butt Grabber grabbed Kain's butt)  
  
Kain: (enraged) DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(So Kain completely mutilated Butt Grabber and all of the other 50 guards without  
  
getting a scratch and then he went through the open gate across a bridge then heard a  
  
scream)  
  
Kain: I heard screams from down yonder. I grinned; someone else was in more pain  
  
than I.  
  
Scream: OH, THAT'S GREAT!  
  
Kain: Dammit! No one's in more pain than I!  
  
Scream: THAT'S TRUE!  
  
Kain: Stop rubbing it in!  
  
(Then Kain went further, finding out that Scream was actually a guard and Kain beat  
  
the crap outta him and continued on. Kain eventually came to a cave with a skull over  
  
it)  
  
Kain: The gaping mouth of Nupraptor's Rehab rained upon Nosgoth with all its  
  
hypochondriac and self-pity. The disease begged to be killed by none other than me,  
  
the most heroic vampire off them all.  
  
(Kain went into Nupraptor's rehab and saw some sand)  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oooh! Little evil SAND. Oh, I'm so scared! (he walked into the sand  
  
and stopped) IT BURNS! HOT SAND! OW! (so Kain just stood there in pain until he  
  
decided he had had enough) Your days are over, evil sand! (so Kain slashed the sand  
  
with the Iron Sword. Oddly, the sand wasn't hurt-at all) OW! (so Kain finally got smart  
  
and leapt out of the sand. Only to land right in front of an arrow dispenser) Ow!  
  
(Kain walked a bit further, getting hit by approximately 3,528 arrows then saw a blob)  
  
Kain: JELL-O! (Kain ate the blob) Crunchy. Tasty. Must have more.  
  
(then Kain ate more 'Jell-O' all the while getting hit by every arrow in his way, but by  
  
now he had gotten hitten so much that his nerve endings weren't functioning so he felt  
  
no pain. Kain saw some people chained to a wall and more Jell-o and saw a triangle  
  
again. He stepped on it)  
  
Triangle (Kain's voice): The Mentalist Nupraptor was renowned through Nosgoth for his  
  
tricks of the mind, telepathy and telekinesis. Pilgrims traveled from all across the land  
  
seeking the comfort of his lies. I sought not his wisdom but his life.  
  
Kain: I'm still wondering how the hell whoever did this done this.  
  
(so Kain went on, stepping in sand)  
  
Kain: Why don't I just turn into wolf form?  
  
(Cause you're stupid)  
  
Kain: Vae Victus! (then, for every sandbar he reached, he would wolf form through, but  
  
not thinking to jump over it and he ate any 'Jell-O' he found along the way. He finally  
  
reached a hallway with Melchiah, as 'Nupraptor' in it)  
  
Melchiah (as Nupraptor): You dare intrude upon my (then Melchiah's head fell off,  
  
replaced by Nupraptor's head) rehab center! Can I not (his arm fell off) mourn in  
  
peace? Leave..leave and (his foot falls off) let my solitude be complete. (then  
  
Melchiah, as 'Nupraptor' disappeared-actually, strings lifted him up to make it look like  
  
he disappeared)  
  
Kain: (to Zephon, who was pulling the strings) You forgot his head, arm, and leg.  
  
(Kain then continued on and found a woman chained to a wall)  
  
Kain: I came upon one of Nupraptor's women. Nupraptor owned this rehab and was  
  
also a booty wrangler. She was catatonic with fear, and I didn't want to know why. MY  
  
GOD, I DIDN'T WANT TO THINK THAT! Although tempted by hunger, I stayed my  
  
hand, allowing her to tell me her st-(then Kain sucked her blood out, killing her)-oops.  
  
(Kain went on exploring and found a very bloody room)  
  
Kain: The retarded monkey Nupraptor left life all over the floor. It was vile. It was  
  
messy. It was-HEY! Is that an arm with blood in it! Kick ass, snack time! (Kain dives for  
  
the arm, but a little green creature appeared and it was playing a flute. Kain saw it, but  
  
like an idiot ignored it. Then two skeletons magically appeared) DIE! (Kain killed the  
  
two skeletons while the green thing walked in circles around him. Then two more  
  
skeleton's appeared) DIE! (two more) DIE! (again two more) DIE!  
  
(Two hours later)  
  
Kain: (exhausted) Die! Why do they keep coming? They must have some link to  
  
something in this room. (Kain looked around and saw nothing but the green creature  
  
and skeletons) What the hell could it be? (then Kain finally had the bright idea of killing  
  
the green creature) DIE YOU TIME WASTING BASTARD! Whew, made it! (Kain walked  
  
to a door and another green creature appeared) OH MY GOD! SCREW THIS!  
  
(Well, Kain decided he'd had enough and he went through the door to a room with a  
  
skull that was shut by a door and there was four different doors in the room. Kain went  
  
to the bottom left one. He entered a room with platforms and a lot of spikes)  
  
Kain: There must be a way to get through. The spikes are rising and retracting. Kick  
  
ass, I get to be a wolf again! I should get a pet wolf. Nah, I'd be like Magnus and try to  
  
eat me. Little bastard Magnus left teeth marks. (then Kain turned into a wolf and  
  
hopped around landing on buttons, getting through the room till he got to a dead end  
  
with a teleporter pad. Then Kain looked back and saw the end of some furry being)  
  
Must kill it! (then Kain bit it) OW! The only setback to being a wolf. Hey, there's the  
  
creature again! (then Kain bit his tail again) OW! Damn, I fall for that all the time!  
  
(After Kain went through the teleporter, be was back in the skull room. He went  
  
through the top left door)  
  
Kain: Dude, a hallway! (Kain went forward and through the first left door) Wow, an  
  
energy bank! It's to bad that my spells keep turning on me though! (Kain went to the  
  
right door and found nothing)  
  
Kain: (insulted) Cheap bastards! (then Kain went through the second left door) A Font  
  
of Putresce! With this, when I throw it, the power of..maggots kills people! Not even  
  
I'm stupid enough to throw this at me! (curiosity overpowered him. He threw it at  
  
himself) IT BURNS! WHY CAN'T ANYTHING EVER HELP ME!? (then Kain goes to the  
  
second right door and find four people)  
  
Prisoner 1: Help me, please!  
  
Prisoner 2: Help me, kind sir!  
  
Prisoner 3: GET ME OFF THIS FRICKIN' THING!  
  
Prisoner 4: Look at the bright side, at least we still have our health.  
  
(Then Kain killed them all and went through the teleporter and went through the  
  
bottom right door that was very dark. Kain walked through and more floor appeared)  
  
Kain: Wow. (then Kain walked into the shadows and got set back to the beginning)  
  
What the hell?  
  
(after getting lost about 347 times he finally made it to the teleporter  
  
and went to the top right door, which was dark)  
  
Kain: Well, this can't be too bad. (You idiot Kain) What? (Kain walked forward and 100  
  
skeletons appeared) Oh HOLY HELL!  
  
Rahab (off screen): (to Turel) Y'know, I think he's exaggerating to make himself look  
  
better.  
  
Kain: (to Rahab) Shut up, Rehab! (then Kain killed all 100 enemies and teleported to  
  
the skull door, which was now open. He went through another teleporter and he was at  
  
the skull's eye sockets. He found another triangle)  
  
Triangle (with Kain's voice): From the depths of the Retreat's eye sockets, I viewed  
  
Nosgoth in a different fashion. The glass seemed to warp the image and taint the  
  
color. As if Nosgoth needed assistance in making its corruption apparent.  
  
Kain: Damn, I have one SEXY voice! I'm so vain and proud of it!  
  
(Then Kain went through another portal that led to a dome, which has another  
  
teleporter, which led him to Melchiah, as 'Nupraptor' and Janos, as 'Malek')  
  
Melchiah (as Nupraptor): (notices Janos, as 'Malek') So, failure, I mean Malek, have you  
  
come to fail the Circle was more? Hehe, useless idiot. Leave paladin, I don't need your  
  
failure.  
  
Janos: (muttering) Butthole. I'll kill you all.  
  
Melchiah: (muttering to Kain) I bet Janos is gay. (as 'Nupraptor') Come Kain..come share my PAIN!!!!  
  
Kain: So this was the rehab's leader, Nupraptor, this literally broken, (Melchiah's left  
  
shoulder broke off) pathetic, wussy, stupid, ugly-as-hell little man. Yet crippled as he  
  
was, (Melchiah's left foot fell off) he would not yield without battle. Very well, old..  
  
(then Melchiah's bottom jaw fell off) now you're like Raziel! HAHAHA! If it's death you  
  
seek, then I'll kill you.  
  
(Kain entered a room with a tennis ball shooter at the end, but it only shot Nerf balls  
  
because Kain couldn't afford anything better)  
  
Melchiah (as Nupraptor): Taste the power of these balls!  
  
Kain: HAHAHAHA! VAE VICTUS! (then Kain got hit by a Nerf ball) That really hurt! Kain  
  
didn't realize he needed to strategically navigate the Nerf balls, but took the blow and  
  
cut Nupraptor's head off Melchiah's neck) Perhaps the head of Ariel's beloved will  
  
convince her. Damn, this is gonna piss her off!  
  
(Kain also found a teleporter and was teleported inside a circle of stoned from Coney  
  
Island and a spiked mace)  
  
Kain: I've always wanted to do this to these stones! (Kain destroyed one of the  
  
wonders of the world happily them turned into a bat and flew back to the Circle)  
  
(Back at the Circle, Zephon, as 'Ariel' was taking a bath and rose up when Kain came,  
  
Zephon exposing his chest)  
  
Kain: (muttering) Why, oh why couldn't this be Ariel instead? (Kain placed Nupraptor's  
  
head at the Pillar of Mind and the head dissolved) There, that's cured. Now I must  
  
defeat the shepherd! No, that doesn't sound cool enough. I know! Now I must defeat  
  
the Circle's sheep! Malek..  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (rising out of the water still sticking his chest out) Well, sexy, it  
  
seems death restores life.  
  
Kain: (disgusted at Zephon's chest) Yeah, whatever.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Let's get naked.  
  
Kain: (scared) Cut! Please cut! (then filming stopped)  
  
Kain: I never want to see Zephon naked! Hell no!  
  
-------------------------------- Take 1  
  
Kain: Don't mind me, I'm just a gigolo!  
  
Male Stranger: The night's can get real cold around here. I can have sex with you, if  
  
you know what I mean?  
  
------------------------------- Take 4  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oooh! Little evil SAND. Oh, I'm so scared! (then Kain started to  
  
sink) Why the hell am I sinking?  
  
Zephon: I had nothing to do with it.  
  
Kain: I hate you.  
  
----------------------------- Take 9  
  
Kain: JELL-O! (Kain ate the blob) Aw, that is terrible! (stops a minute) Hey, there's jam  
  
in this thing. Yummy.  
  
---------------------------- Take 15  
  
(Kain dives for  
  
the arm, but a little green creature appeared and it was playing a flute. Kain saw it, but  
  
like an idiot ignored it. Then two skeletons magically appeared) DIE! (Kain killed the  
  
two skeletons while the green thing walked in circles around him. Then two more  
  
skeleton's appeared) DIE! (two more) DIE! (again two more) DIE!  
  
(Two hours later) HELP! I'M DIEING! OUCH!  
  
------------------------------ Take 19  
  
Kain: There must be a way to get through. The spikes are-  
  
Vorador: Going in and out. If you know what I mean?  
  
Kain: Shut up, you perverted monkey!  
  
--------------------------------- Take 23  
  
Kain: I should get a pet wolf. Nah, I'd be like Magnus and try to  
  
eat me. Little bastard Magnus left teeth marks.  
  
(then Magnus entered)  
  
Magnus: I HEARD THAT! (sees Kain) MEAT!!!!!!!!  
  
Kain: (being bitten) Ow! Ow! Ow! Get this little bastard off me!  
  
--------------------------- Take 25  
  
(Kain stood in sand)  
  
Kain: It burns! SAND IS NOT MY FRIEND!  
  
------------------------------ Take 29  
  
(While Kain was fighting Melchiah, as 'Nupraptor', Nupraptor's head fell off)  
  
Kain: No fair! I wasn't able to cut it off yet! ---------------------------------  
  
(In a different area of Nosgoth, Raziel was wondering around and ran into the Seer)  
  
Raziel: Who are you?  
  
Seer: The Seer. I'm studying to be a psychologist.  
  
Raziel: (hugs her) Oh, thank you!  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
This was a hard chapter to make and I hoped you liked thank. Thank all you reviewers, and keep reviewing! 


	6. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Don't own LoK or any characters  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
Raziel is currently at the Seer's home  
  
Raziel: Hey, why do you have a soul reaver here?  
  
Seer: Don't mind it. Now, let's get down to business. Why are you here?  
  
Raziel: My dad's made me insane. I need help.  
  
Seer: What's wrong?  
  
Raziel: HE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!! He loves that asshole Dumah more.  
  
Seer: I'm sure it's just a momentary phase. I'm sure he loves everyone equally.  
  
Raziel: Do you know who my dad is?  
  
Seer: No, but I'm sure he's a reasonable guy.  
  
Raziel: My dad is Lord Kain.  
  
Seer: OH MY GOD! THAT MAN'S A FREAK! I HOPE HE DIES! Son of a bitch made my  
  
house burn down to the ground!  
  
Raziel: What kind of help do you think I'll need.  
  
Seer: You'll be just fine. BUT THAT FREAK GOT MY ROCKING CHAIR OUTSIDE GET  
  
DESTROYED! THAT SON OF A BITCH! Don't worry Raziel, he's the one that needs help!  
  
At the Pillars, Kain is preparing a new scene and shouting at Zephon  
  
Kain: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!  
  
Zephon: Hey! I'm not an idiot!  
  
Kain: Yes you are!  
  
Zephon: Well, at least I'm not sterile!  
  
Kain: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!?  
  
Zephon: Oops! Oh crap.  
  
(Then Raziel and the Seer walk in)  
  
Kain: Damn it, Raziel is back. (sees the Seer) Oh, holy hell.  
  
Seer: (sees Kain) It's you. How dare you abuse this poor boy.  
  
Raziel: I'm a MAN!  
  
Seer: Yes, I'm sure you are. (to Kain) As for you, Kain! How could you!?  
  
Kain: He evolved before me! He was gonna overthrow me and kill me!  
  
Seer: This sweet thing would never do that!  
  
Raziel: I'm not a thing, I'm a MAN!  
  
Dumah: Yes he would. Hell, I'd try.  
  
Kain: See?  
  
Seer: Raziel! Kain, you have a right to be mean to him!  
  
Raziel: No!  
  
Dumah: What have I done!?  
  
Raziel: Screwed us royally. But I have a plan. (to Zephon) Zephon, come here!  
  
Zephon: What is it? (sees the Seer) Her boobs are perfectly proportioned to her body,  
  
unlike Umah.  
  
Raziel: Seer, I can prove my dad's abusive. Zephon, we have recorded all the time's my  
  
dad's insulted you since we began filming.  
  
Kain: Oh, I'm in trouble.  
  
Raziel: Hit it! (Raziel plays the tape)  
  
Tape: (Turel's voice) Now, every time my dad's called Zephon names! (Kain's voice) Dumbass! Idiot! Freakin' moron!  
  
(6 hours later)  
  
Tape: (Kain's voice) You're so stupid! YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! (tape ends)  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) You dumbass!  
  
Seer: Let's just start filming. (to Kain) If you hurt any of these young people, you'll  
  
hurt!  
  
Raziel: I'm not a young person, I'm a MAN!  
  
At the Pillars, filming has started  
  
(Kain transformed into bat form, and flew to the Bat Beacon, which made this large  
  
annoying sound, and Kain flew to it and saw it and flew closer and closer to it till he hit  
  
it and ended up on the ground)  
  
Kain: Owww! It could've warned me it'd just sit there!  
  
(so Kain walked past the Indian camp, slaughtering enemies for the hell of it, then went  
  
to the bridge leading to Vasserbünde, where a guard was waiting)  
  
Guard 1: Die! (recognizes him as the gigolo, and so does Guard 2 when he walks up)  
  
Guard 2: Hey! We tried to sex him up!  
  
Guard 1: And he's a vampire!  
  
Guard 2: EWWW!!! SICK AS HELL! THAT'S JUST SICK!  
  
Guard 1: And he's dead, so it's ILLEGAL! EWWWEY!  
  
Kain: ?  
  
Guard 2: (to Kain) You sick bastard!  
  
Guard 1: (to Kain) Yeah, I had dreams about you!!  
  
Kain: !!! (then Kain slaughtered them both till he got to some rocks) You're in my way!  
  
(but the rocks wouldn't move) Kain: You're in my WAY! (starts to feel sad) I came all  
  
this way, just to fail!  
  
Dumah (as Melchiah): Knock the rocks down with your mace, you idiot!  
  
Kain: (immediately happy again) Oh YEAH! Forgot about that thing!  
  
(Then Kain destroyed the rocks and continued with his journey. Kain went up and saw a  
  
Knight with a sword and shield)  
  
Kain: (in a kiddy voice) Oooh! Shiny things!  
  
Knight: Die! (Knight lets the sun hit his shiny armor, and the light reflected, burning  
  
Kain like an ant)  
  
Kain: Owowowow! Stop that frickin' shinning! (then Kain Imploded him) Wow! That was  
  
so cool!  
  
(Kain went north some more, getting burned by Knights 2,3,4, and seventy- leven till he  
  
found a cave with a blood fountain)  
  
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): Drink, drink!  
  
Kain: Thanks for the drink, Rehab!  
  
Rahab: It's Rahab, you asshole!  
  
Kain: Ok, Rehab! (then the Seer shot him with a powerful telekinetic blast from off-screen) Ow! Ok, ok!  
  
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): Your magic refills quicker. Now get the hell out, you hurt  
  
my feelings!  
  
Kain: Ok (muttering, as he's leaving) stupid Rehab! (then the Seer hit him again)  
  
(Well, when Kain leaves, somehow not blasted to death, he reaches Coorhagen)  
  
Kain: Year's ago, word reached us that an evil Plague was coming, so everyone got  
  
ready for a party to welcome Plague to Coorhagen. But the little bastard totally ruined  
  
our party and killed a bunch of people. Plague was never invited to any of our parties  
  
ever again.  
  
(Kain walked further on, and eventually he got to a dead body killed by Plague)  
  
Kain: Worms and maggots fed upon his festering skin, the scent of blood from the  
  
wounds they feasted upon..I can't help it! Blood! Snack time! (he tried to suck blood  
  
but couldn't) HEY! THAT'S FAKE BLOOD! HE'S EMPTY! Son of a bitch..good blood  
  
gone bad.  
  
(Kain went forward more, getting sad and pissed off each time he found a body killed  
  
by Plague until he reached a sign that said 'Coorhagen')  
  
Kain: This must be my home. It's the only name I can pronounce. It did take me about  
  
20 years to learn how to announce the name of this place though. (sees how the  
  
Plague had affected Coorhagen) This city used to be the best in all of Nosgoth. Rich in  
  
vanity of conceit. I had a feeling I wouldn't receive a warm welcome.  
  
(Kain entered Coorhagen and was surprised to see that there were humans still alive)  
  
Human 1: (sees Kain disguised as a gigolo in case Kain wouldn't receive a warm  
  
welcome) Hey! We haven't had a gigolo in these parts for eons!  
  
Human 2: Yeah! Do you have amazing stories to tell?  
  
Kain: What kind of amazing stories would there be for me to tell you?  
  
Human 1: Well, how much money did you get from that whore in Vasserbünde?  
  
Kain: That's your idea of an exciting story!?  
  
Human 2: Well, if she's cheap, I'm game!  
  
Kain: Hey, guess what? (Kain kills Human 1 and 2) Hey, I don't do whores! I'll only do  
  
Ariel! (then remembers that Ariel is Zephon) (mutters) Oh crap.  
  
(Kain took a moment to look around the landscape and saw tons of dead people all  
  
over the place)  
  
Kain: (very happy) Ahahahaha! Disease and death stalked the land! Everyone's dead!  
  
All the humans all over the place! I'm in heaven! (tries to suck blood out but they're all  
  
empty) (in dispair) I'm in HELL!  
  
(Kain wonders forward and starts to enter a house when he sees one of those green  
  
annoying things from Nupraptor's Rehab)  
  
Kain: Damn it! (Kain walks passed it, but it ignores him. Then Kain realizes he still has  
  
on his gigolo outfit) Haha, sucker!  
  
(Kain walks into the room, and goes to the right left door, which had a picture of a spell  
  
on the floor. Kain went through the door at the north and entered a room that had  
  
arrow dispensers and about 5 people. For some reason, the arrows went right through  
  
them! So Kain, being the idiot he is, guesses that it'll be the same to him. He walked  
  
out in front of an arrow and it was about this time that a little voice in his head  
  
announced to him)  
  
Kain: OW!!!  
  
(So Kain figured out that the bad guys had to be magical, cause the arrows went  
  
straight through them and to Kain's surprise, they hurted Kain. So Kain went on,  
  
stopping only to get stabbed by throwing knives cause he wanted to see if his blood  
  
had a minty-flavor. It didn't. Well, Kain went on, killing everybody and everything, with  
  
the exception of something, then continued on. He eventually got to a room with some  
  
floating witch things that shot almighty STUFF at him, so he flayed them, too scared  
  
that his energy bolts would somehow bounce off the enemies and hit him. He  
  
eventually found the almighty and awesome spell Repel! And he also found a Pentalich  
  
of Tarot)  
  
Kain: (about Repel spell) Using this spell puts me under this safe blue 'THINGY' and if a  
  
spell is casted at me, it'll bounce away! It won't last long though! (muttering) So this is  
  
why this spell bounced off that bouncy ball way back in Chapter 2. Clever bastard.  
  
(then Kain looks at the Pentalich of Death) A waltz of death. Let fate choose my victim!  
  
Hahaha! (then Kain cast it to see what it would do, but since there was no enemies  
  
around, it just hit Kain, hurting him a lot!) WHY CAN'T ANYTHING JUST BE NICE TO  
  
ME!?  
  
(So Kain continued on his journey and got to a room with arrows dispensers  
  
everywhere and floating witch things everywhere)  
  
Kain: (devious smile) REPEL! (Kain casted the Repel spell on himself and it worked!  
  
Everything bounced back at everything else without hurting him! He finally reached a  
  
door that led him outside)  
  
Kain: (looking around) Where am I? (Kain walked forward to another broken down  
  
house and another green annoying thing appeared) I HATE YOU! (so he shot the  
  
Energy Bolt at it and it killed the green annoying thing!) Wow! Something actually  
  
worked!!! Awesome!  
  
(Kain continued on till he got to what looked like a cathedral. Inside were two Robed  
  
People holding books)  
  
Robed Person 1: I will threaten you with this book!  
  
Robed Person 2: (while chanting, fits himself in the face with his book. He kept doing  
  
that over and over)  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh no, a book! I'm really scared!  
  
Robed Person 1: You should be..cause with this book, I'll make you READ!  
  
Kain: (terrified) Noooooo-ooooooOOOOOOOO!!! (Kain never passed 1st grade reading,  
  
so he surely didn't want to read, so he flayed Robed Person 1. Robed Person 2 was  
  
oblivious to anything that was happened, and accidentally knocked himself out by  
  
hitting his face too hard) Uh..ok.  
  
(Kain walked forward, through the various houses and tunnels, and at the bottom of  
  
one tunnel, there was a teleporter)  
  
Kain: I wonder if this is a teleporter? (so Kain finds out by stepping on it. He is  
  
teleporter to a strange room with a picture of two swords at the bottom. He went  
  
through the door to the west and found SOMETHING, which turned out to be the  
  
Inspire Hate spell!) With this spell, my enemies hate each other and kill each other,  
  
totally ignoring me! (evil grin) You know this is gonna be good!  
  
(So Kain walks into a room that has a bunch of enemies and unleashes Inspire Hate!)  
  
Bad Guy 1: (to Bad Guy 2) I hate you!  
  
Bad Guy 2: (to Bad Guy 1) You're a meany!  
  
Bad Girl 1: (to Bad Guy 1) You're a poopy head!  
  
Bad Girl 2: (to Bad Girl 1) Huh! Don't get your thong in a twist!  
  
Bad Guy 1: (to everyone) I hate all of you! (awkward silence)  
  
Bad Girl 2: (to everyone) You're all meanies!  
  
Kain: My lord! This spell is lame!  
  
Bad Guy 2: (to Kain) You're rude!  
  
Kain: Huh! You people are lame! (Kain kills them all) Human flesh; the other white  
  
meat!  
  
(Then Kain leaves this tunnel and walks out to find another building with another  
  
tunnel. In this tunnel there are skeleton's and ice)  
  
Kain: Hey! Now I can go ice-skating! (then Kain tries to go ice-skating before  
  
remembering he doesn't know how)  
  
Skeleton: (seeing Kain screw up) Haha, you suck! (Kain kills Skeleton) I'm dead!  
  
(Kain wondered around, slipping in the ice and sliding head-first into sprikes and other  
  
hazardous things till he gets on land and goes through a door and sees Bone Armor!)  
  
Kain: (wearing the Bone Armor, which is really just the Mortanius suit because both the  
  
Armor and Mortanius are skeleton) The more stupid undead think I'm undead as well  
  
when I wear this! (refreshing sigh) I'm glad they're so stupid!  
  
(Well, Kain continues in his Bone Armor, and he saw a skeleton. The skeleton said hi to  
  
him and Kain, being the idiot he is, attacks the undead with the Iron Sword, then to  
  
Kain's surprise, the skeleton tries to kill him. After Kain defeats the skeleton he finds a  
  
door that leads outside)  
  
Kain: (holding out his palm because it's snowing) IT BURNS!!! NOW I CAN'T MAKE  
  
SNOW ANGELS! BEING A VAMPIRE SUCKS!!! (Kain walks over and activates a Bat  
  
Beacon, then finds and steps on a red triangle, which was, of course, a voice recorder)  
  
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice): Malek's Bastion, perched defiantly on the mountain  
  
top, black as night against the blanket of snow. What manner of man would choose a  
  
land so harsh and utterly devoid of life?  
  
Kain: Ok, I'm tired of trying to figure out how they got my voice on there, so I'm just  
  
going to say screw it!  
  
(Kain turns into a bat and flies into Malek's bastion)  
  
Janos (as Malek): I know you are here, demon. You are welcome in my castle, just  
  
don't stain my rug.  
  
Kain: (muttering) Stupid hippy vampire. (then the Seer blasts him hard) OW!  
  
Janos: (sincerely) Kain, are you ok? Do you need a Band-Aid?  
  
Kain: (muttering) No! (then Kain looks around and sees sharp thing) Sharp things are  
  
here.  
  
Janos (as Malek): My warriors are shadows of my skill.  
  
(Kain wonders around and finds a minion-generator and also encounters one of the  
  
warriors)  
  
Warrior: (holding a pillow) I will kill you!  
  
Kain: Why the hell do you have a pillow?  
  
Warrior: So that I don't hurt you badly. That would upset me.  
  
Kain: CHRIST! If this is a shadow of Janos, I mean Malek, then Malek will be a wimp!  
  
Warrior: I'll hurt you! (then Kain tears his pillow) That was my favorite pillow! (then  
  
Warrior runs off to cry in a fetal position in a corner)  
  
Kain: This minion-generator made souls come back to armor without any blood! Son of  
  
a bitch, does that mean I don't get to feed here!? (Kain breaks the generator)  
  
Janos (as Malek): Do you hope to best me Kain!? What have I done to you? (starts  
  
crying cause Kain hurted his feelings) (Kain destroys another generator) Just because  
  
you are dead doesn't mean you can't die!  
  
Kain: (clearly confused) Uh..(destroys the last generator)  
  
Janos (as Malek): You destroyed them all, you vile bastard! (then Kain destroys the  
  
power source of the machines) Damn it!  
  
Kain: Yes, now I can kill Malek! (Kain steps on a teleporter and is teleported outside of  
  
a castle) I'm hungry! FOOD! (sees two guards, them rushes up to kill them only to  
  
discover that they are frozen solid, then get an idea) Hey! I bet he'd shatter if I hit him  
  
with my Iron Sword! (so Kain hit him and he shattered. Kain then looked at the other)  
  
Would my tongue stick to it? (his tongue stuck to it) Uh-oh.  
  
(Then Kain walked into the castle and found Janos, as 'Malek'. Well, Kain fought Janos  
  
and Kain lost, especially since he had a large frozen guard stuck to his tongue, and  
  
embarrassed that he lost to someone who was using a pole with a pillow attached to  
  
the end instead of a blade. When Kian was about to lose, a teleporter appeared and he  
  
teleported away. Then he found a set of axes)  
  
Kain: (with a frozen guard still stuck to his tongue) I thall name theth Hathoc and  
  
Halith! Malekth's dethtiny with my blade wath pothponed! Maybe Ariel could help!  
  
(Kain flew to the Pillar's as Zephon, as 'Ariel' was adjusting his bra)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (fake surprise) Ah! Don't come when I'm topless!  
  
Kain: (to himself) Lord, help me..  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): You're empty-handed. I can make it so that you aren't, so that you  
  
have something in your hands, if you know what I mean.. (this was being said while  
  
Zephon, as 'Ariel' was taking off his bra)  
  
Kain: (scared) No, just tell me were to go!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): To the Oracle. Now come, let us make out!  
  
Kain: OH MY GOD, NO!!! CUT!!!  
  
(then filming stopped)  
  
___________________________________________________  
  
Kain: I don't feel good. Especially after getting shot soooooooooo much!  
  
Seer: I have concluded that you need therapy.  
  
Kain: NOOOOOOOO!!! Is it cause you shot me a total of about 59,000 times during the  
  
making of this!?  
  
Seer: Maybe. (drags Kain off to get physiological help)  
  
Raziel: Now I'm the director! Woo-hoo! Umah, you're fired! I'm Wiiliam the Just!  
  
Zephon: (to Umah) Don't hit your monstrous huge boobs on your way out! Hey, if she  
  
gets her boobs stuck in the doorway, cause I help her out?  
  
Raziel: (happy that he's the director) Yes you may!  
  
Zephon: (to Umah) Make sure to get your boobs stuck on the way out!  
  
_______________________________________________________________________ That was a long, hard chapter! That and I was kinda lazy. Oh well, hope you liked this  
  
chapter. Next chapter, Raziel isn't the director but special guest Faustus is! 


	7. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I will own LoK and its characters someday! But not today  
  
______________________________________________________________  
  
Raziel was walking around the all-important Pillars of Nosgoth before filming and  
  
Dumah was seeing if he could bead-butt the Pillars so hard that they get destroyed  
  
Raziel: Ok, vampires! I, being your new director, shall lead the way. Kain left the script  
  
so that we could..perform!  
  
Dumah: (hitting the Pillar of Conflict too hard) Ok Pillar of Conflict, you win this battle!  
  
Zephon: Sure, what'cha want Raz? (then Zephon sees Faustus come in) Who is that?  
  
Faustus: Hello, I am Faustus. Kain sent me to direct. (Faustus walked in wearing a very  
  
sparkly red shirt that you would see a model wear. His jeans were blue leather, also  
  
sparkling. His shoes were the kind of shoes a tap-dancer would wear, only red and  
  
more stylish)  
  
Rahab: Whoa! Very sharp clothes, man!  
  
Raziel: Oh, no no no no. Kain isn't going to ruin this for me! Damn, your clothes are  
  
like, the latest fashion!  
  
Faustus: Yes, I like to appear good, instead of only wearing a scarf around the bottom  
  
of my head!  
  
Zephon: (to Raziel) HAHAHAHAHA! He-he's talking about you!  
  
Raziel: Yes, I know.  
  
Vorador: Hey, in other words, that scarf is around your neck!  
  
Turel: So?  
  
Vorador: That makes him gay!  
  
Janos: Shut the hell up, Vorador!  
  
Faustus: Well, who all is gonna be in this act?  
  
Raziel: Me! I'll be Kain!  
  
Faustus: You can't, you're the Oracle!  
  
Turel: Can I be Kain?  
  
Faustus: You must be Turel! We could use exceptional singers like you on Broadway!  
  
Turel: (honored) Really!?  
  
Faustus: Yes, really.  
  
Turel: Woo-hoo!  
  
Faustus: Razzyboy, come here!  
  
Raziel: Did you just call me Razzyboy?  
  
Faustus: Yes. I've got an idea! You can be Kain and the Oracle!  
  
Raziel: I guess I can take that.  
  
Faustus: (hands Raziel some clothes) Here, take these!  
  
Raziel: Yeah, thanks..(takes clothes then goes to get changed)  
  
Faustus: (looking around then spots Zephon in his costume) Hey, you must be Zephon!  
  
Zephon: (going over to Faustus) Yeah, what do you want?  
  
Faustus: Who designed those clothes!?  
  
Zephon: Kain.  
  
Faustus: So that's why you don't look stylish! Listen, Nosgoth women these days wear  
  
push-up bras and thongs. And remember, if it sparkles, it's fashion!  
  
Zephon: Really?  
  
Faustus: Yes!  
  
(Then Zephon leaves to get changed into..different clothes)  
  
Faustus: And I shall be King Ottmar, who's in a flashy flashback!  
  
(Raziel came up in his new clothes. He had black jeans that sparkled red, a white t-shirt  
  
that sparkled green, a black leather jacket that said 'Razzyboy' on the back and the  
  
words 'Razzyboy' were lit up with light bulbs, Raziel's hair was changed to being curly,  
  
the makeup Raziel had on made him look slightly feminine and Raziel was wearing one  
  
white glove)  
  
Faustus: PERFECT! That is style if I've ever seen it! What about the sex change to finish  
  
the costume?  
  
Raziel: Not a chance in hell. (pissed off) I look so gay! Whose costume is this?  
  
Faustus: It's the Kain outfit.  
  
Raziel: (in disbelief) KAIN'S!? KAIN ISN'T GAY!  
  
Faustus: Well, he does have that long, girlish ponytail.  
  
Raziel and Faustus: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Raziel: This is classic! I'm willing to look a fool at Kain's expense!  
  
Faustus: Good. Now you won't believe Moebius' costume! Let's start this filming!  
  
  
  
The scene is the Pillars, and Raziel, as 'Kain', was just got done talking to Zephon, as  
  
'Ariel'  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Well, I guess I'll have to leave now. (looks up to the mountains) Up  
  
there, there is a cave with an old man in it. An old man sleeps up there, and I will wake  
  
him! (stand heroically)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (in nothing more than a push-up bra and a thong and kinda  
  
uncomfortable) I believe a sexy vampire like yourself can brave those perilous  
  
mountains! (starting to having trouble seeing because the light from the words  
  
'Razzyboy' are glowing in his eyes)  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Yes, I shall do it!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Good luck, you brave man! (whispers) Ow, this thong is beginning to  
  
hurt. I hope this scene ends soon.  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Then I shall leave! (as himself, he whispers) Man, this kicks ass! I  
  
hope Kain never gets psychologically cured.  
  
(Raziel, as 'Kain', flies into the Bat Beacon that was at the mountain and he sees a tree)  
  
Raziel (as Kain): (looking at his axes) This is gonna be easy! (but since Kain couldn't  
  
afford real axes, these axes were colored paper formed to look like axes. Raziel looks at  
  
the incredibly fake axes) Damn it! (he hit the tree with the fake axes and one of them  
  
fell limp before it hit the tree, hurting Raziel's hand. The other ax hit the tree, but the  
  
ax got caught on a limb and broke) These axes suck! (so Raziel just cuts down the  
  
trees with his soul reaver) Finally!  
  
(Raziel walked forward a bit, killing anyone who got in the way with his flimsy axes, and  
  
since they weren't even sharp enough to cut Jell-O, he could paper cut them to death)  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Oh, scrawny vampire, this story grows neat-o! But with so many  
  
horsies can you find the pawn?  
  
Raziel: Why the hell was that in the script when it doesn't make any sense and it's  
  
totally irreverent!  
  
(Raziel walked forward, cold as hell and actually thankful that he had clothes on, even if  
  
they did make him look totally gay. Eventually he got to a lake surrounded by ice)  
  
Raziel: I can go swimming and Kain can't! (so Raziel dived in..and no one heard from  
  
him in about an hour. Someone finally had the bright idea that someone might want to  
  
help him. Rahab got him out of the water, and Raziel was in a fetal position..frozen  
  
solid in ice)  
  
Rahab: Cut!  
  
(then the film started again after getting a handy blow-dryer, Raziel hopped from  
  
ice to ice then reached a cave)  
  
Raziel: (upon receiving Stun) The human mind is an empty thing. One minor shock and  
  
then I can feed! (of course, this was strange coming from someone with no bottom  
  
way of actually sucking blood, so Raziel kind of slurped up blood)  
  
(Raziel eventually made his way back to the front of the cave and ventured farther to  
  
the right, where there were teepees and Indians)  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Stupid Indians! I can beat them with one hand tied behind my back!  
  
(then an Indian threw an ax a Raziel) Ow! Pathetic SOBs! (so Raziel killed all the people  
  
in this little hippy Indian village and tried to slurp the blood up) It's so hard to drink  
  
blood!  
  
(Raziel then wondered around the place looking for where to go then saw a cave and  
  
Raziel went inside)  
  
Turel (as Blood Fountain): (with his most poetic voice) Come hither Kain, and quench  
  
your thirst from thine own self.  
  
Faustus (off-screen directing): That was beautiful Tur.  
  
Turel: Hey, I have a nickname! From now on, call me Tur!  
  
Raziel: Back to the frickin' script! (as Kain) Ah, a blood fountain! (Raziel slurps up the  
  
blood like a dog drinks from a bowl)  
  
Turel (as Blood Fountain): The snoweth shan't doeth you no any harmth. Thineself may  
  
now maketh snow angelsth. (muttering to himself) Man, Shakespeare had a  
  
complicated language!  
  
(Then Raziel left and went through cave 1, killed things, went to cave 2, killed more  
  
things, nothing much exciting till he got to cave 137. He saw a new kind of enemy that  
  
he thought was SUPPOSED to look like a blue fireball, but was much different looking)  
  
Raziel: OH MY LORD, IS THAT MUTATED SPERM OR SOMETHING!?  
  
Faustus (still directing): Raziel!  
  
Raziel: But that's what it looks like! Sick!  
  
(Raziel continued on, afraid to touch those sperm-looking enemies and fought, killed,  
  
avoided sperm look-alikes. He done that for the next 5,000 caves until he reached one  
  
cave that was kinda like a museum)  
  
Raziel (as Kain): (looks around and finds a shield) Shiny! (to himself) Now why the hell  
  
didn't Kain pick this shield up to protect himself? (finds a crest) (as Kain) I recognized  
  
that crest from my youth. (to himself) How come he could remember his youth and I  
  
can't?  
  
Faustus (off-screen) Raziel, what did I tell you about being a smart-ass?  
  
Raziel: Don't be a smart-ass?  
  
Fuastus: (off-screen) Correct.  
  
(Raziel discovered an ancient chronicle)  
  
Raziel (as Kian): Hey, that's an ancient chronicle! I'll read it! It says:  
  
Hs ghd cmyinf gksfc gknp sahnd ndhcnaru fjiv shf xjgfju jv djt jckeaf, Jcgx fjc Kxhcls dhoucnd smk Hakcisn ktnd skhftndjs.  
  
Raziel (as Kain): I had read enough! I don't think that's what the chronicle really said,  
  
but I never passed 1st grade reading, so I shall never know. (sees a guillotine that was  
  
wet with blood) I wonder why that guillotine is wet with blood? (sees armor) (to  
  
Faustus as Raziel) I won't make a smart-ass comment.  
  
Faustus: Good.  
  
(Raziel went through the door to find that the scene ended there so that Raziel could  
  
dress as Moebius and the camera would never be on both of them at the same time so  
  
that Raziel could dress as both Moebius and Raziel. Raziel, as 'Moebius', had on a blue  
  
robe with bolts of electricity drawn on, with the words Time Streamer flashing and  
  
some aviator glasses on his eyes to look cool. He also had on sparkling glass shoes)  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): A nobleman? Seeking wisdom? Well, you're too dumb to  
  
understand anything, so get the hell out!  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Enough BS, give me questions!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Questions indeed! I have them all if you have the answers. And  
  
what are the answers for these questions? King Ottmar-the only hope of defeating the  
  
Nemeses. King Ottmar, paralyzed by the daughter's deep sleep, that sexy bottle-neck.  
  
King Ottmar the useless complete dumbass! So, vile vampire bitch, what are the  
  
answers?  
  
Raziel (as Kain): A box upon your tricks and bubbles, old hag! Riddle me this: Who the  
  
hell is Malek, and how the hell do I defeat him?  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): All in time sire. Yes time. Unless it masters you, you shall master  
  
it! And now it's time for your question: Malek, defender of Nine who screwed up. His  
  
vanity led to the circle's slaughter and I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! COULD YOU  
  
PLEASE GET MORTANIUS TO STOP BITCHING ABOUT IT!? He got defeated by Vorador.  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Riddle me this: Who is Vorador?  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Follow the glow of the Ignus Flatulence.  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Inga Flatland?  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Ignus Flatulence, you moron! Pay attention. It is your path, follow  
  
it into hell! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! (then Raziel, as  
  
'Moebius', disappears)  
  
____________________________________________________________  
  
After filming  
  
Fuastus: Very good everybody! Stylish and flashy. Especially Kain's outfit and Zephon's!  
  
Zephon: How does Umah or Ariel wear thong!? They hurt like hell! (everyone stares at  
  
him) What?  
  
Faustus: Oh well. That's a rap people! Oh, and look! Bloopers!  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Raziel (as Kain): Well, I guess I'll have to leave no-  
  
(Zephon's push-up bra falls off)  
  
Zephon: Well, would ya look at that? I'll be damned!  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
Take 2  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): I believe a sexy vampire like yourself can brave those perilous  
  
mountains! (starting to having trouble seeing because the light from the words  
  
'Razzyboy' are glowing in his eyes) Ahhh!!! Never look straight into a light!  
  
------------------------------------------  
  
Take 9  
  
Raziel (as Kain): (looking at his axes) This is gonna be easy! (then Raziel gets a paper-  
  
cut) Ouch! IT HURTS!  
  
Dumah: (bringing a water jug) Here, put some water on that wound!  
  
Raziel: (puts water in that wound) Thanks. (then just realizes what he's done) IT  
  
BURNS! (then Raziel got Dumah with the Fire Glyph)  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
Take 15  
  
Raziel: I can go swimming and Kain can't! (then Raziel dives for the ater, misses it, slips  
  
on the ice, hits a mountain on the other side, falling snow fall all over Raziel) IT BURNS!  
  
WHY DOES SNOW BURN US!?  
  
Faustus: Don't be a smart-ass!  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Take 19  
  
Turel (as Blood Fountain): (with his most poetic voice) Come thither Kain..oops,  
  
sorry, it's hither, my mistake.  
  
Raziel: So? None of it makes any sense anyway.  
  
Turel: (very pissed off) WHAT!? OF COURSE IT DOES! DON'T INSULT MY IDOL  
  
SHAKESPEARE, OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!!!  
  
Raziel: (totally shocked) Whoa! Sorry.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Take 23  
  
(Then Raziel left and went through cave 1, killed things, went to cave 2, killed more  
  
things, nothing much exciting till he got to cave 137. He saw a new kind of enemy that  
  
he thought was SUPPOSED to look like a blue fireball, but was much different looking)  
  
Vorador: Hehehe! That looks just like sperm.  
  
Janos: You're a sick bastard.  
  
Vorador: You're a hippy.  
  
-------------------------------------------------  
  
Take 28  
  
Raziel (as Kain): (looks around and finds a shield) Shiny! (to himself) Now why the hell  
  
didn't Kain pick- (then one of the light bulbs to the words Razzyboy blew up,  
  
electrocuting Raziel) Hey, that felt kinda good!  
  
______________________________________________________  
  
Faustus: Well, that was fun people, hopefully I can be the director again tomorrow! Y'all  
  
did a good day's work! Now leave! (they all left) I can't wait to let Raziel know that I  
  
beat him at the sexiest thing ever awards by 500 votes! He'll be so pissed! And who  
  
was that other nominee, Steve Ercle? He got 3rd place, hadn't heard of him before.  
  
__________________________________________________________  
  
I didn't think this chapter was gonna be as long as it was, I got this done quickly. Well, you better have liked this, OR ELSE! Why am I bothering, you people aren't afraid of me. Don't forget to review! 


	8. A short intermission

Disclaimer: Tomorrow I will own LoK and its characters! Well, I won't, but I ca dream  
  
___________________________________________________  
  
The scene is Kain's throne, and the Lieutenants and Faustus are wondering around  
  
bored because they lost the script  
  
Zephon: I bored!  
  
Raziel: You never had a long attention span anyway!  
  
Dumah: (punching the Pillars) I will eventually break this Pillar of Conflict! (punches  
  
harder) Ow! Damn it! Okay, maybe I will never break this Pillar.  
  
Rahab: Hey, I've got an idea! Let's see who can through Melchiah's head the farthest!  
  
Melchiah: The record so far is 30 yards.  
  
Faustus: I bet I can win that.  
  
Raziel: I'll kick your ass Faustus!  
  
Dumah: Let me!  
  
(then while they were fighting, Turel came over, took Melchiah's head and threw it a  
  
good 45 yards)  
  
Raziel: (while biting Faustus' hand) Damn!  
  
(then Melchiah's head slams into the Pillar of Conflict, knocking it down. Then  
  
Melchiah's head came rolling back to his body)  
  
Rahab: Oh crap..  
  
Zephon: (extremely terrified) Oh no, dad's gonna kill us!  
  
(then Kain and the Seer came in, but nobody noticed them)  
  
Faustus: I'm not afraid of that fashionably challenged moron. He's just a little girl in big  
  
boy pants!  
  
Raziel: Oh ho ho. That's a good one.  
  
Faustus: Thank you.  
  
Kain: (behind him) AHAHAHAHAHA! That was a good one!  
  
Faustus: He's behind me?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Faustus: (turns around and faces Kain) Hey buddy!  
  
Kain: (in a cheery tone) Hey! That really was funny! These are big boy pants huh!?  
  
(the Seer carefully watched what happens then sees Melchiah)  
  
Seer: It's him! (then Melchiah's arm fell off, then the Seer ran right in front of Melchiah)  
  
I'll get that for you. (bends down in front of Melchiah then retrieves his arm, then says  
  
in a very seductive voice) You better watch your limbs, hot stuff.  
  
Melchiah: (in sheer amazement) !  
  
(back at the Pillars, everyone was trying to explain what happened)  
  
Kain: (in a calm and cheerful voice) Can't we all just get along?  
  
(that, of course, stopped everyone. Then the Seer came up)  
  
Seer: I fixed him.  
  
Zephon: OH MY LORD, NOW HE REALLY IS GONNA BE STERILE!  
  
Kain: (laughing) Son, you are a fine, young man!  
  
Seer: No, not like that. I cured him with treatment. He's always relaxed.  
  
Kain: (grinning proudly) And whenever I start to think of bad things, I just think of  
  
butterflies and flowers and I get all warm inside!  
  
Dumah: Aw damn it! Now we've got another Janos!  
  
Kain: Janos is a fine gentle lad. You people need to be like him!  
  
Melchiah: Are you okay, dada?  
  
Seer: Oh, he is fiiiiiiine.  
  
Zephon: I think she's talking about you, Melchiah.  
  
Melchiah: Is she? (then his bottom jaw fell off)  
  
Dumah: AHAHAHA! Now Dumah's become Raziel!  
  
Seer: I'll get that for you. (bends down again, revealing as much cleavage as possible,  
  
then runs her fingers across the teeth of his bottom jaw) Well, I have to leave for now,  
  
but I'll be back. (turns to Melchiah) Especially for you.  
  
(then the Seer leaves, standing them with the new and improved Kain)  
  
Kain: Well, it looks like you're the ladies' man Melchiah. And you should be, who  
  
couldn't be attracted to my handsome son?  
  
Raziel: Ok, here what Kain would've said before therapy:  
  
Before therapy Kain: Melchiah, who could be attracted to you? I mean, your limbs fall off and that isn't right! Oddball.  
  
Raziel: And now Kain is..nice. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.  
  
(and so things went as normal, with the exception of Kain. Kain visited Zephon's clan)  
  
Kain: How's my favorite son?  
  
Zephon: I think Raziel left.  
  
Kain: I'm talking about you, my silly little rascal!  
  
Zephon: What???  
  
Kain: You are so talented. Your acting is good.  
  
Zephon: But you hated me playing the girls parts!  
  
Kain: You get to see the girls naked that way. That's my sly, lovable son.  
  
Zephon: You know, dressing up like a girl can be a Zen-like experience.  
  
Kain: (in an almost overly cheerful voice) I just might do that! I love you son!  
  
(then Kain went looking for Rahab. Kain was wearing a pink mini-skirt, a tank-top that  
  
was pretty and pink and was frilly, he also had on Barbie tennis shoes, and had all of  
  
his hair in different shaped pig-tails. He finally got to Rahab, who was reading a book.  
  
Rahab saw how he looked and nearly choked)  
  
Rahab: Dad???  
  
Kain: How's the smartest son in the whole wide world?  
  
Rahab: (kind of scared) Fine.  
  
Kain: Good. Could I ask you a favor?  
  
Rahab: Sure.  
  
Kain: Could you teach me how to read?  
  
Rahab: (started choking) What?  
  
Kain: Please teach me how to read. I wanna read big books like that one! (points to the  
  
50-page book Rahab has)  
  
Rahab: Um..sure.  
  
Kain: (jumping up and down, excited) Yay! (got down the Rahab, and looked at the  
  
book) What's that word?  
  
Rahab: That word is 'am'.  
  
Kain: (hyper and excited) Am! Am! Am! I KNOW HOW TO READ 'AM;!!! WOO-HOO! I  
  
GOTTA TELL EVERYBODY! (then Kain runs off)  
  
(Kain runs past Melchiah's room where Melchiah and the Seer are making out, then  
  
Kain spots something)  
  
Kain: Hey, Melchiah, you dropped your index finger!  
  
Melchiah: (talking a best he could cause part of his mouth fell on the Seer) Thanks dad!  
  
Kain: Guess what!? I KNOW HOW TO READ THE WORD 'AM'! YAY!  
  
(then Kain runs down the hallway screaming: I KNOW THE WORD 'AM'! to everyone  
  
and everything he passed. He eventually got to Dumah)  
  
Kain: Hey my stong, muscular boy whom I'm so proud of!  
  
Dumah: (sees Kian's appearance) ? Um..!  
  
Kain: I can read the word 'am'! Hey, on my way here, I saw a dog that was covered in  
  
mud because it was digging its nose in the mud! Let's go play with the doggie!  
  
Dumah: (dumbstruck) ???  
  
Kain: Let's go play with the doggie!  
  
Dumah: I'm sorry, but I'm busy.  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, I wanna give you this. (pulls out a trophy that says 'Stongest being in  
  
Nosgoth'. Dumah was about to cry with joy as Kain gives him the award)  
  
Dumah: (while starting to cry) I've wanted this since..gosh, since I became a  
  
vampire. (then Dumah can't hold it in anymore and starts to cry from joy) I LOVE YOU  
  
DADDY! LET'S GO PLAY WITH THE DOGGIE!  
  
(after Kain and Dumah played with the muddy dog, both getting mud all over each  
  
other, Kain ran off to find Turel)  
  
Turel: I should be on Broadway. (starts to sing, even though he doesn't know most of  
  
the words) Tonight, tonight, something, something tonight!  
  
(Kain comes rushing in after hearing him sing)  
  
Kain: You beautiful singing man! That singing is so beautiful, it moves me to tears!  
  
Turel: Hey daddy. What should I sing for my Broadway audition?  
  
Kain: This may not be Broadway material, but it's become my favorite song ever since  
  
I've become relaxed. (starts singing with a surprisingly beautiful voice)  
  
(Kain singing) There's got to be a morning afteeeeeer  
  
If we can hold onto the niiiiiiiiight  
  
There's a chance to find the sunshine (stops singing) Can't remember the rest.  
  
Turel: That was awesome! You're a great daddy!  
  
Kain: I am so proud of you! There isn't a sweeter voice than yours! (then Kain hugs  
  
Turel) I love you, son.  
  
(the scene is now Raziel's clan area, and Raziel and the other brothers are there)  
  
Raziel: Ok, something must be done. Kain's been running around in girl's clothes and  
  
playing with muddy dogs. We must get Kain back to his old self again!  
  
Dumah: What!? No!  
  
Turel: Yeah, he's better this way!  
  
Raziel: But this is what he'd want! (then Kain entered) Hey Kain!  
  
Kain: Raz, can I speak to you in private?  
  
Raziel: Sure.  
  
Zephon: Although I hate to admit it, you're right Raziel. We'll be forming a plan while  
  
you talk to dad.  
  
(then Kain and Raziel go to a private place. Kain goes behind Raziel)  
  
Kain: Your wings are so beautiful. (then Kain gets in front of Raziel and Kain gets on his  
  
knees) Please forgive me for throwing you into the abyss.  
  
Raziel: !!!  
  
Kain: Here. (Kain gave Raziel some feathers from Janos' wings) I am so proud of you.  
  
You have achieved so much that I never could.  
  
Raziel: I LOVE MY DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(then Raziel returns back to his brothers)  
  
Rahab: We have come up with a sure-fire plan to get dad's old self back!  
  
Raziel: Screw that! My daddy's cool!  
  
(it became night time at Nosgoth)  
  
Kain: (shouting to the lieutenants) BATH TIME!  
  
(they all came running)  
  
Zephon: Bath time! Yippie, hooray!  
  
Dumah: I love bath time!  
  
(the bath was a pool of blood)  
  
Turel: (singing) My dad is my best friend, I love him to..  
  
Kain: (continuing) ..we'll always be together! (then the lieutenants got into their  
  
baths) I love this feeling. It makes me want to sing! Don't forget your rubber ducky and  
  
rubber human heads!  
  
Zephon: (in the bath) This ducky is my friend!  
  
(then late at night, Dumah suddenly woke up and screamed and started crying because  
  
he had had a bad dream)  
  
Duamh: Waaahhhh! (crying) (then Kain rushed in in his teletubbies pajamas)  
  
Kain: I love these pajamas ever since I became calm and relaxed. What is it son?  
  
Dumah: I had a bad dream.  
  
Kain: (holding Dumah to his chest) Hush little Dumah don't say a word, Kainy's gonna  
  
by you a maiming bird, and if that maiming bird don't maim, Kain's gonna send it back  
  
for a refund at a retail price.  
  
Dumah: I love you daddy.  
  
(Little did they know that they definitely should've cured their father)  
  
  
  
VENGENCE  
  
(the next morning, Kain awoke feeling like he had been hit by a..um..something  
  
big and mean. Kain looked to his left hand and there was a tag that read: 'I hope you  
  
liked the treatment trial. If you want to continue this treatment, come see me, the Seer,  
  
and if you didn't like what happened, you'll get a refund. Images jumped into Kain's  
  
head about what happened the other day)  
  
Kain: Oh, they will pay.  
  
(it was afternoon till Kain came out to find his sons, and Kain's first victim would be  
  
Zephon)  
  
Kain: (walking into Zephon's room) Hello Zephon.  
  
Zephon: Hey, my daddy! I love you!  
  
Kain: Hey my son who was born on the planet 'I'm an Idiot'.  
  
Zephon: That was so funny.  
  
Kain: Yeah. Oh, and I gave Umah your address, so feel free to thank me later!  
  
Zephon: (looking a little concerned) You okay, daddy?  
  
Kain: (grinning evilly) Never felt better.  
  
(Kain then left and headed for Rahab. He found Rahab reading a book)  
  
Kain: Hey Rehab.  
  
Rahab: You mean Rahab?  
  
Kain: (faking surprise) Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to call you Rehab. Oh, you're reading  
  
a book?  
  
Rahab: Yes. You wanna learn a new word?  
  
Kain: Oh, sure. Can I show you the word? (Kain took out a book he borrowed from  
  
Vorador. You know the kind. Points to a word) What's that word?  
  
Rahab: !!! I don't need to see that, you don't need to know!  
  
Kain: Okay, bye. (Kain left with the book, secure in the fact that he might have mentally  
  
scarred Rahab. Kain then found Melchiah still asleep, so he took out Melchiah's mouth  
  
and replaced it with an air filter) Now all I have to do is set a magnet and he'll be stuck  
  
to the floor!  
  
(After setting the magnet, Kain ran over to Dumah who was exercising. Kain saw this  
  
and came over and waved at Dumah)  
  
Kain: (fake cheerfulness) Well hey Dumah!  
  
Dumah: Hey dad!  
  
Kain: (sees that Dumah is holding a 500 ton barbell in the air) Man, you sure look  
  
strong. Catch! (Kain picks up a 600 ton barbell, which hits Dumah, resulting in the 500  
  
ton barbell falling on Dumah. Kain left for Turel. He found Turel in his room singing.  
  
Turel didn't even know Kain had entered)  
  
Turel: (singing along to the CD that was playing, which was also Turel's favorite CD-it  
  
had a mix of tons of songs he loved) You can't touch this! You can't tou- (then the music  
  
became weird and unintelligible) What!?  
  
Kain: (while scratching the CD) Oops. I tripped. (then Kain left for Raziel)  
  
(When Kain encountered Raziel, Raziel was thankfully asleep. Kain took this opportunity  
  
too write 'I am gay' and the left wing and 'My nuts got burned away' on his right wing,  
  
then Kain left, awaiting the time when everyone discovered that Kain had done these  
  
mean things on purpose)  
  
(10 minutes later)  
  
Kain: (while sitting on his throne saw everyone but Zephon come in) (evil grin) Hello  
  
everyone.  
  
Rahab: I am scarred for life.  
  
Kain: Sorry Rehab.  
  
Melchiah: (dragging around a pole that's stuck to his fake mouth) ..! ..?  
  
Kain: What, speak louder, I can't hear you!  
  
Dumah: (covered in Band-Aids) Ouch you bastard!  
  
Kain: Aw..  
  
Raziel: Not funny! (then the others laughed at Raziel's wings)  
  
Turel: Well, the right is true. Anyway, Kain destroyed my CD!  
  
Raziel: Where's Zephon?  
  
Zephon (off-screen): I'm not decent!  
  
Kain: Come on in! Hey, does anyone know what happened to Faustus?  
  
(Zephon crept in, completely naked but covering himself with his hands)  
  
Zephon: Umah stole all my clothes! Sour loser. Why'd you do this!?  
  
Kain: Why didn't you save me?  
  
Raziel: Oh, damn it!  
  
(Faustus then walks in and sees the commotion)  
  
Faustus: Hey, Zephon's naked! (to Zephon) Hey, there's a strip club that you can go to  
  
and make 20$ an hour, I'm sure you'd work out.  
  
Kain: Guess what Faustus?  
  
Faustus: What?  
  
Kain: I'm the sexiest thing! Look at the pole. Raz is in 2nd and you 3rd. You counted the  
  
votes wrong.  
  
Faustus: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (then runs off to go cry)  
  
Kain: Well, boys. What has this taught you?  
  
Raziel: (scared) Don't screw with Kain.  
  
Zephon: I'm cold.  
  
Kain: Don't screw with me; I'm a badass! And sexy! We film TOMORROW!  
  
__________________________________________________  
  
Well, this idea about therapy and revenge came to me all of a sudden, and I thought I'd write it down. The moral of the story: Don't fu** with Kain. Vae Victus! Hope you enjoyed and review please. The next chapter will be the quest to find Vorador. 


	9. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or any of that other stuff, so don't ask!  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
The scene is the Pillars before shooting. Everyone is getting ready for the shooting  
  
except Rabah and Zephon  
  
Kain: Where's Rahab?  
  
Raziel: He isn't gonna speak to you!  
  
Kain: Why not? All I did was show him one of Vorador's magazines!  
  
Raziel: Up until then..he was pure.  
  
Kain: Oh crap. WAIT A MINUTE! He slaughters people, drinks their blood! He' still  
  
considered pure!?  
  
Raziel: Yeah, but you made him un-pure. That's why he scarred.  
  
Kain: Aw, damn it! Then what explains Zephon?  
  
(then Zephon comes hoping up to them in a bag with just his head sticking out)  
  
Zephon: This is my bag! It's neat-o! I have so much stuff stored in here just in case!  
  
Kain: Why the hell are you even in a bag?  
  
Zephon: Well, it's either that or I run around naked.  
  
Kain: Why? (then remembers what happened last chapter) Oh yeah! Hahahahaha!  
  
Zephon: Hey, at least I thought of something! You probably would've just walked  
  
around naked!  
  
Kain: Well, that's because I'm sexy! Who in their right minds would want to see you  
  
naked!? You total idiot!  
  
Zephon: That's it! I'm tired of you calling me an idiot!  
  
Kain: Then don't be so damn stupid!  
  
Zephon: If I'm so stupid then why do I have a PhD in Anatomy and a PhD in the study  
  
of the human mind and a PhD in Arithmetic!?  
  
Raziel and Kain: ...! What the hell!?  
  
Zephon: And in Nosgoth's version of Stanford, I always got straight A's, never failed  
  
anything, and never got anything lower than a B.  
  
Raziel: Oh holy sh**! They have a Stanford for everything!  
  
Kain: If you're so damn smart, WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN STUPID!?  
  
Zephon: What makes you think I'm stupid! (looks down on the ground) Oh, a penny!  
  
(he bends down to pick it up, but since his head's the only thing out of the bag, he falls  
  
face first then wiggles back up. Then Rahab wonders in)  
  
Kain: Hey Rehab, get our I.Q. results.  
  
Rahab: ...AHHHH!!! (Rahab runs off)  
  
Raziel: (to Kain) See what you've done!? (Raziel gets the I.Q. results) Oh my good lord.  
  
Kain: (snatches the sheet) Oh, damn it! How the hell is Zephon's I.Q. 4,000!!!  
  
Zephon: It's easy with someone smart and sexy like me!  
  
Kain: (still astonished) Ok, let's just talk about this part of the film. Bane's not in it.  
  
Raziel: Good. We need to get him cured by then. Should I get the Seer?  
  
Kain: Oh hell no! I specifically picked Rehab for this part because Bane likes water and  
  
Rehab can stand water!  
  
Zephon: Rahab has been teaching me to stand water!  
  
Kain: Is that so?  
  
Zephon: Yeah. (Kain pushes Zephon's head into the bag, then dumps a bucket of water  
  
into the bag) IT BURNS!!!  
  
Kain: Unfortunately, Vorador will be in this one.  
  
Raziel: Is that good or bad?  
  
(Vorador walks up)  
  
Vorador: Make sure this doesn't take too long. I've still gotta go to my day job.  
  
Kain: You have a day job? What is it?  
  
Vorador: I'm a gynecologist.  
  
Raziel: You are so sick.  
  
Zephon: (curled up inside the bag) IT STILL BURNS!!!  
  
Kain: Let's just start filming...  
  
The scene is a cave, and Kain just finished talking to Raziel, as 'Moebius'  
  
(Kain is wondering around the numerous caves trying to find somewhere new and runs  
  
into a new spell)  
  
Kain: Ah, the spell Incapacitate. With this I can stop people in there tracks and toy with  
  
them, making their fear rise to make their blood sweeter! Ahahahaha! I love being me!  
  
(Well, after Kain tried the spell out on himself to make sure it worked, it did. About an  
  
hour later, when he became uncapacitated, he walked around some more caves, got  
  
lost, walked around some more, got lost again, and finally decided he would walk off  
  
the cliff that lead to the ground below)  
  
Kain: I have decided I will walk off the cliff that leads to the ground below.  
  
(So he did. After the medic healed up Kain's bruised arm, all the while Kain was crying  
  
like a little wussy, Kain eventually got up and continued on his quest. He got to a place  
  
where rocks shot arrows in all directions)  
  
Kain: Ow! I must make it to that building! (Kain walked forward and got shot) Ow!  
  
(Kain walked to the left and got shot) Ow! (Kain walked forward again and got shot)  
  
Ow! (then Kain started to get annoyed) Ok, there's got to be some way to get through  
  
this. I just need to figure this out and concentrate on the answer without getting  
  
disturbed. (while Kain was thinking he got shot) Oh, damn it! (then Kain simply walked  
  
to the building and a tree was blocking his way) Stupid tree!  
  
(Kain now tried to cut down the tree with his crappy axes, the left one having to be  
  
tapped into two, and the right one had been in water, making it disintegrate in his  
  
hand. Well, it was about this time that Kain had gotten really pissed off and decided  
  
that they would need a budget higher than $3, so Kain just threw the crappy axes away  
  
and kicked the tree, which then fell down)  
  
Kain: Wow, I'm strong! (then an arrow hits him from behind) Ow! (starts crying like a  
  
wussy. Kain goes into the room and finds a Mist card-thingy) Hey, a Mist card-thingy!  
  
(Kain went to pick it up) Wow! Now I can, like, go through doors! And things go  
  
through me! Mist!!! Me invulnerable! Woo-hoo!  
  
(after Kain made another total idiot of himself, he got to a place with sand on the  
  
bottom. Kain walked on the sand without Mist form on)  
  
Kain: Ow, this hurts! Burning my feet! Hot sand! (then Kain thinks to turn on Mist form)  
  
Hahahahaha! Wow! I like, can't feel the burning beneath my feet! I like, go through!  
  
Wow! Neat-o! (Kain then got to a locked door and went through it) Awesome! That felt  
  
so good. I wanna do it again! (sees another locked door) Yay!  
  
(well, Kain would go to a locked door and go through it over and over again until he  
  
lost all of his magic and had to revert back to normal, ruining his fun. Kain continued in  
  
this dungeon until he got outside and saw a pool of water in his way)  
  
Kain: Hey, get outta my way! (it just sat there) How come nothing obeys me? (then  
  
Kain put on Mist form and crossed until he got to a red triangle with Kain's voice on it)  
  
Might as well see what it says.  
  
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The black forest reigned here, its kingdom  
  
rarely invaded by those that live in the light. But it was called home by this mysterious  
  
Vorador. Legend told of a time when Vorador defeated Malek of the Sarafan.  
  
If such a man did exist, then he could perhaps be the key to defeating the Ward.  
  
Kain: I'm glad this thing knows what's going on, cause I sure don't. Hey, a swamp and  
  
a cave! (Kain was finally smart enough to activate Mist form over dangerous terrain and  
  
got the a cave. Inside was a door. He went through and was in a room with strange  
  
symbols in every corner and weirdo's who were uber-elastic. Kain killed everything as  
  
usual and then stepped on all corner symbols hoping something would happen. It  
  
didn't. He tried all the symbols in every order, but still nothing happened. He had been  
  
at it for an hour and got annoyed and pissed off and leaned against the wall. There,  
  
right beside him, was a switch) Oh crap! It was here this whole time!? (then Kain  
  
pressed the switch, opening the path to the Flame Sword) That was a waste of time.  
  
I'm getting hungry! (Kain walked over and grabbed the Flame Sword) This sword burns  
  
the living hell outta things! (muttering) Much like that stupid hot sand.  
  
(Kain left, still feeling really hungry, then saw a human to kill)  
  
Kain: Die! (Kain killed the human in one swipe with the Flame Sword) We- well, what  
  
the hell? No blood! Damn sword, I hate you! (then Kain flung the sword and it hit some  
  
huge terrifying monster and killed the monster in one hit. Kain ran over and got the  
  
sword and hugged it) I didn't mean it, I love you!  
  
(So Kain wondered around the ruined buildings and got to a room with people high up  
  
and Kain couldn't reach)  
  
Kain: Now what do I do? (then Kain found Control Mind) With this spell, I can control  
  
the minds of weak and feeble beings! (muttering to himself) Hey, I bet this could work  
  
on Zephon. (then Kain controlled the minds of some people, done stuff, got stuff done,  
  
killed stuff, then left with his new ability)  
  
Kain: (looking around) Which first? The house or the damn cave. Caves are everywhere  
  
in Nosgoth. Someone should just bulldoze the damn things. (Kain went in the building  
  
first because he hated the caves and decided to leave it for last. Kain looked around  
  
and saw some people chained to a wall but Kain couldn't reach them. Then Kain found  
  
Blood Gout) With this spell, I throw my blood to get their blood. Hey, I wonder what  
  
would happen if my own blood bounced back at me? (so Kain threw his blood, but it hit  
  
one of the blob things) Oh no! (the poisonous blood flew into Kain's mouth while Kain  
  
was trying to close his mouth to stop, but he wasn't strong enough)  
  
Chained Person: Haha, you're poisoned! I'd hate to be you right now!  
  
Kain: (poisoned) Crap! And I never got an Anti-Toxin cause I thought they were useless  
  
and I'd never need them! (after Kain discovered he was WRONG, he went around,  
  
almost poisoned to death, then decided he'd drink a Heart of Darkness) This doesn't  
  
look very tasty. (he drank it and to his surprise, it was the best thing he'd ever drunk!  
  
Even though he was at full health, he kept drinking more Heart of Darkness's. He  
  
eventually drank all 50 of them and there were 50 of them because he'd never used  
  
them before) Yummy! (he started feeling sick) I think somebody spiked my Hearts.  
  
(so Kain went wondering around, slightly drunk, getting hit a lot, but because he was  
  
drunk, his nerves refused to cooperate and wouldn't register and he was finally outside  
  
in the swamp again, still very drunk. He walked to the cave, thinking that the swamp  
  
water was nothing more than thin air even though he was standing in it in pain. Then  
  
he thought it looked like pudding)  
  
Kain: Pudding! (then Kain scooped some up) Mmmmmm! TASTY! ME LIKE! (then drunk  
  
Kain walked over to the cave, where a Blood Fountain awaited)  
  
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): (sees Kain) AHHHHH!!!  
  
Kain: (in drunk voice) I muth be drunk. That sounded like it talchked. I mean talked.  
  
Rahab (as Blood Fountain): (sobs uncontrollably)  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Rahab: I'VE BEEN scarred! (sobs some more) Go AHEAD and DRINK! (sobs)  
  
Kain: Thude, you're sad. I'M DRUNK! (then Kain drunk the blood)  
  
Rahab: I can't do this! (runs off crying)  
  
Kain: I A BIG STRONG BOY NOW!  
  
(then Kain walks off to a forest in a swamp, still completely drunk, then has a thought)  
  
Kain: THIS PLACE IS DANGEROUS! WHY WOU-WOU-WOU-WOULD, THAT'S THE WORD  
  
I'M LOOKING FOR, 'WOULD.' WHY'D HE CHOOSE SUCH A DANGEROUS PLACE!?  
  
(since Kain's nerves weren't working, he survived and he got to a red triangle and  
  
stepped on it)  
  
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice): Vorador's keep was hidden deep within the  
  
Termagent forest, nestled amongst vines and creepers that clung desperately to it dark  
  
weathered stone.  
  
Kain: (drunk and completely surprised) WOOOOOOW! THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!  
  
(so Kain went in and discovered how grand the place was and was amazed)  
  
Kain: The lucklery with which Vorador surrounded hymself with was ASTONISHING! IT  
  
WOULD EVEN PUT ME TO SHLAME!  
  
(so Kain stumbled around and put his hands on the walls to guide him, oblivious to the  
  
fact that about 79 skeletons were hitting him. He would walk over spikes not realizing it  
  
either)  
  
Kain: (drunk) Someone did somethlin powerfully to my Hearts.  
  
(Kain still stumbled around Vorador's mansion till he got to a room with 15 women  
  
chained up)  
  
Kain: (drunk) Vorador's WHORES! HE A WOMANIZER! HE NEEDITH TREATMENT!  
  
BLOOD! BLOOD IS MY FRIEND! (then Kain drank the blood and went on)  
  
(Kain walked and walked and walked, and for a change of pace, was starting to get  
  
sober, when he saw what he dreamed of: A kitchen full of people)  
  
Kain: (slightly drunk) You! Why'd I just say you? Because I happy! Yay! (then Kain  
  
drank all 5,000 people and Kain was actually full)  
  
(after Kain's feast, he walked around and found some new armor)  
  
Kain: (sober) This is Chaos Armor. When people him me, they get hurt, as do I!  
  
(then Kain tried out his new armor by getting the crap beat outta him, but the thing  
  
that was hurting him died because of the armor)  
  
Kain: (in a lot of pain) Aha! I showed that thing! (Kain wondered aimlessly and found  
  
Blood Shower) Yaa-hoo! Now I can fill up a tub with blood, then swim in it! (Kain tried  
  
it, but there was no tub. Poor Kain. Anyway, Kain got to a room where he had to use  
  
Blood Shower to get across) I love this spell! This spell good!  
  
(Kain then wondered into a room with dead bodies and clubs, swords, mace, as in the  
  
spray, and a whip)  
  
Kain: Kinky! A torture room! Sick bastard! Hey, what's this written on the wall? (Kain  
  
goes over to the wall and reads the caption aloud) Manus Celer Dei. What the hell? I  
  
seriously need to learn to read, because that can't be what it says! It makes no sense.  
  
(Kain wondered some more and possessed a woman and the possessed woman found a  
  
book)  
  
Kain (as Possessed Woman): Not another book! (then Possessed Woman found some  
  
paintings) A bunch of stupid paintings! Blah, blah, blah. I'm ready to leave this body.  
  
(then Kain thought of something) I'll unpossess this body in just a minute. (then Kain,  
  
as 'Possessed Woman', looked down her shirt. Satisfied with himself, he unpossessed  
  
her)  
  
(Kain was wondering around and found a diner table. He went forward and saw  
  
Vorador drinking blood and having a snack)  
  
Vorador: (after biting into someone) Yum, banana flavored.  
  
Kain: I'm looking at what I'm becoming. A perverted bastard just like this vampire.  
  
Vorador: I don't see one of my own much. Especially someone as stupid as hell. That  
  
and I don't get out much. But drink, indulge your gift.  
  
Kain: A gift? He thought vampirism was a gift!? He said we're gods! Hey, I can get used  
  
to this. I pondered what kind of crown I'd wear as a god while he babbled on about  
  
something and I really didn't care. Should it be a green crown or a purple one?  
  
Vorador: ...then I won the bitch slap contest against Malek and defeated him. So  
  
after slaughtering six of their shepherds I defeated their little sheep Malek. Since then, I  
  
don't get out much, I just sit around watching soap operas.  
  
Kain: (still not paying attention) Yeah, yeah.  
  
Vorador: (gives Kain the ring) Take this ring. If you need me, use it! (then Vorador  
  
disappeared)  
  
Kain: Hey, this is just a bunch of broken teeth! (then Kain left, realizing what he was  
  
becoming) Cut! That's a rap!  
  
___________________________________________________________  
  
Vorador: Good, that didn't take long. I'm off to be a gynecologist. (hands Kain  
  
something) Here's my card if you need me. (then Vorador left)  
  
Kain: (looking at the card) No! (then sees Zephon's bag) Zephon, get up! (Kain kicks  
  
the bag, only to feel nothing) Did I disintegrate him? (then Kain picked up the bag and  
  
it was Zephonless) There is a severe missing of Zephon here)  
  
(then Zephon walks up to Kain naked)  
  
Zephon: My eyes have been opened, Kain.  
  
Kain: (not looking) You just now found out you were a Sarafan?  
  
Zephon: Not that! I've become a nudist!  
  
Kain: AHHHHH!!! (Kain faints)  
  
Zephon: What's his problem?  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Kain: I have decided I will walk off the cliff that leads to the ground below.  
  
(so he did. Too bad he was on the other side and fell head fist into water)  
  
------------------------------------  
  
Take 5  
  
(Well, it was about this time that Kain had gotten really pissed off and decided  
  
that they would need a budget higher than $3, so Kain just threw the crappy axes away  
  
and kicked the tree)  
  
Kain: Ow, my fu**ing foot!  
  
Dumah (of-screen): That's my strong daddy!  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Take 11  
  
(then Kain thinks to turn on Mist form)  
  
Hahahahaha! Wow! I like, can't feel the burning beneath my feet! I like, go through!  
  
Wow! Neat-o! (Kain then got to a locked door and got stuck half-way through it  
  
because it wore off) Somebody help. I'm in a very painful and uncomfortable position.  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Take 19  
  
Kain: Now what do I do? (then Kain found Control Mind) With this spell, I can control  
  
the minds of weak and feeble beings! (muttering to himself) Hey, I bet this could work  
  
on Zephon. (then Kain controlled the mind of Zephon)  
  
Possessed Zephon: (looks around in a dark room) Where am I? I'm still in that stupid  
  
bag aren't I? (then Kain unpossesses Zephon)  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Take 24  
  
(then decided he'd drink a Heart of Darkness) This doesn't  
  
look very tasty. (he drank it and to his surprise, it was the best thing he'd ever drunk!  
  
Even though he was at full health, he kept drinking more Heart of Darkness's. He  
  
eventually drank all 50 of them and there were 50 of them because he'd never used  
  
them before) Yummy! (he started feeling sick) I think somebody spiked my Hearts.  
  
(drunk) HE-E-E-E-EY! I'M NOR SUSOSED TO BE DRUNK! THIS IS RELICULOUS!  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
Take 30  
  
Vorador: I don't see one of my own much. Especially someone as stupid as hell. That  
  
and I don't get out much. But drink, arouse your gift.  
  
Kain: AROUSE my gift! You sick bastard!  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Take 39  
  
Vorador: (gives Kain the ring) Take this ring. If you need me, use it! (then Vorador  
  
disappeared)  
  
Kain: I now have the one ring to rule them all! (then, in disbelief) Did I just say that!?  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Take 40  
  
Kain: Hey, this is just a bunch of broken teeth!  
  
(then Vorador reappeared)  
  
Vorador: Oh yeah, since we've both got mind control and we have humans, do you  
  
wanna play chess using humans?  
  
Kain: I'm sorry, but I don't know how to play chess.  
  
Vorador: Oh, ok. Bye! (then Vorador disappears again)  
  
Kain: So that's why the chess game with Vorador was cut out of Blood Omen 1.  
  
__________________________________________________________  
  
I hope you liked this chapter and review! Oh, and I don't have any maiming birds yet. Hopefully I'll get some soon. 


	10. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK, but with your help, I might be able to!  
  
____________________________________________  
  
The scene was Kain's throne room  
  
Kain: Where the hell is Zephon?  
  
Raziel: He's not here.  
  
Kain: Well, THANK YOU MR. OBVIOUS!  
  
(Dumah and the others walked up)  
  
Dumah: You know, I heard he went to a nudist meeting.  
  
Rahab: (still scarred) (twitch) Um...um...AHHH!!! (Rahab runs off)  
  
Turel: Now why'd you have to go and scare Rahab?  
  
Kain: It's not my fault Rehab can't be all there in the head!  
  
Melchiah: Actually, it is your fault.  
  
Kain: (grabs Melchiah's head and throws it as far as possible) What were you saying?  
  
(then, off in the distance, the Seer sees Melchiah's head and fetches it then returns it to  
  
his body)  
  
Melchiah: Thanks.  
  
Seer: Anything for you. Let's play 'Find the body part!' I get to choose the part of your  
  
body that I get to find.  
  
Melchiah: I think she's talking about my-  
  
Kain: (annoyed) Yes, I know! (then Melchiah and the Seer run off) Y'know Dumah, you  
  
might just be right.  
  
Dumah: Thanks, favorite father!  
  
Kain: (to Dumah) You're welcome favorite son! (sees Raziel frown as best a person with  
  
only an upper jaw could) I'm sorry, I mean-(sees Raziel brighten up) Thank you, best  
  
favorite son Dumah.  
  
Raziel: (to himself) Nobody loves me!  
  
Kain: But who could be the leader of a nudist meeting in Nosgoth! What pathetic  
  
person could do that!?  
  
Then the scene switched to the nudist meeting, and the leader was just about to begin  
  
Sebastion: (speaking through the voice box that he always has so strategically hidden  
  
under his clothes) Your nudist leader is speaking, so listen up!  
  
(all the nudists listened)  
  
Sebastion: We have two new members today! Let's introduce Zephon!  
  
(Zephon came walking in)  
  
Zephon: Hey people! (to himself) This is gonna be a blast! I get to see women naked!  
  
Sebastion: Welcome so. ...? ...!  
  
Zephon: Um, what's wrong?  
  
Sebastion: ...!  
  
Zephon: (sees something fall out of his shirt and picks it up) Here's your voice box.  
  
Sebastion: (turning on his voice box again) Thank you. And lets introduce out next  
  
member...Umah!  
  
Zephon: Uh-oh.  
  
(Umah walks in)  
  
Umah: I feel refreshed and I think this will be a good experience Sebastion. (sees that  
  
Zephon is here too) Aw, damn it!  
  
Zephon: Hey, it's Big Boobs!  
  
Umah: Don't discriminate me!  
  
Zephon: What'd I do!?  
  
Umah: I'll kill you!  
  
Sebastion: Everybody calm down!  
  
Zephon: Well, she started it.  
  
Random Dumahim: You two need to stop flirting!  
  
Zephon and Umah: What!?  
  
Sebastion: Ok, people! We didn't come here to fight. We came here to open up and  
  
experience nature.  
  
Zephon: Fine, I'll cooperate...for nature's sake.  
  
Umah: Fine. I'll cooperate, but I still hate Zephon.  
  
Zephon: I have an observation to make!  
  
Sebastion: Yes?  
  
Zephon: Umah's got a tight butt. (Umah stares at him menacingly) What, that's a  
  
compliment!  
  
Back at the throne room  
  
Kain: Well, I guess we won't do the part with Dejoule today. We'll wait until tomorrow,  
  
but for today, we're going till-(Vorador came running in upset) What now you big  
  
woman?  
  
Vorador: I failed my first gynecologist exam today!  
  
Turel: Man, let's just start filming!  
  
Kain: (to Turel) I say that! (to everyone) Let's just start filming so we don't have to  
  
hear the big woman Vorador cry like a baby!  
  
The scene was Kain's throne room, although it kinda looked like the exit from Vorador's  
  
sanctuary because it had a cardboard cave and a cardboard tree and the filming has  
  
started  
  
(Kain walked forward and was inside the exit with more uber-elastic people. Then Kain  
  
had an idea)  
  
Kain: I wonder if this will work? (when the uber-elastic person stretched out, Kain  
  
grabbed its head, held it, then released. Then he heard a snap) Just like a rubber band,  
  
it snaps in half if you stretch it too hard! That was fun, I hope there are still others!  
  
(so Kain walks away, only to find himself outside, then he had a thought)  
  
Kain: I have a thought. I will become that monster of a pervert like Vorador if I can't  
  
control my curse. Luckily, I have complete self-control! (sees what looks like an arm on  
  
the ground, but Kain, with his self-control, just stood his ground)  
  
Kain: (getting anxious) Yep, self-control. (then Kain dives at it) Self- control is overrated.  
  
(then Kain looked and saw he was on a small cliff-like structure, then got immediately  
  
happy, knowing it means he'll have to turn into a wolf)  
  
Kain: Yay!!! (so Kain turned into a wolf and hopped down and was so happy about  
  
being a wolf up until another wolf bit him in his jugular vein) Ow!!! Damn wolves! (then  
  
Kain slaughtered all of the wolves and continued on, wishing for ouch-free BandAids.  
  
Then Kain saw some big red dome)  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Go north till you see some freaky building Kain. Oh, and watch  
  
out for the lava. If you touch it, guess what happens. (Kain rolled his eyes) You'll get  
  
hurt, that's what'll happen!  
  
Kain: (annoyed) Thank you. (Kain then wondered around and found a sign that said:  
  
Uschtenheim) Ah, another unintelligible name. Ushertehem was were Jano Audrey had  
  
feasted. But he's a pansy! I mean, this is a very tiny village! No wonder he always  
  
hunted here, the pretty boy knew he'd get caught if he hunted anywhere else!  
  
(then Kain went up to the north, where some extremely deformed skeleton awaited,  
  
and the skeleton was really just a bunch of bones from an eaten turkey)  
  
Kain: (fake astonishment) This pathetic...thing was warped beyond all, what's the  
  
word? It was warped beyond all condensation. (looks closer and sees a wallet fall out  
  
that said 'Hello, I'm Uri Gellar') To think that this thing was once human! (then  
  
Kain kills it and sucks its black blood. Then he spits the blood out) Eww!!! Nasty! Hey  
  
that was neat-o!  
  
(now Kain went further north and saw a cave, but a large half-torso half- whatever the  
  
hell its supposed to be stood in the way)  
  
Kain: Damn! That thing is big and fat! (then he observes it) Hey, it looks like Jabba the  
  
Hut! (then it spits poison at Kain and it hits Kain) Aw! You SOB, I hate getting  
  
poisoned! Such strange creatures evolved from this Dark Eden's black magic. Sick as it  
  
was, I could not help but to admire its creator's...sick and twisted mind! This thing is  
  
ugly as hell! (so Kain killed it and wandered into the cave, still poisoned)  
  
Dumah (as Blood Fountain): (in big, menacing voice) Welcome, vampire!  
  
Kain: Dumah! I thought Melchiah was gonna do the Blood Fountain!  
  
Dumah: Well, he was but him and the Seer has lost one of his parts. She accidentally  
  
broke Melchiah.  
  
Kain: (sighs in frustration, then drinks the fake blood)  
  
Dumah (as Blood Fountain): Your magic energy recovers more quickly, for our blood  
  
enhances.  
  
Kain: You're supposed to say it with feeling!  
  
Dumah (as Blood Fountain): Now, go the hell away!  
  
(so Kain leaves the cave, fights a few more Jabba-wannabes, then gets to a long gray  
  
demon with teeth which was really just a dachshund painted gray with fake teeth  
  
sticking out)  
  
Kain: (surveying the scene and looking at the doggie demon) If it could be said that a  
  
land descended into madness...then that sounds like something that William  
  
Shakespeare would say, so it makes completely no sense and is totally stupid.  
  
(then Kain brings down his weapon, but couldn't find it in his heart to kill the innocent  
  
little doggie)  
  
Kain: Damn it! (then Kain looked to see Dark Eden expanding) I had a feeling that this  
  
Dark Eden would grow and become bigger unless someone could stop it! Well, don't  
  
look at me, I'm just the anti-hero.  
  
(then Kain walks further with the dog demon following him till he got to the magic shell  
  
of Dark Eden)  
  
Kain: I watched the dome expand and devour energy of life, leaving only a twisted and  
  
frickin' funny parody of life behind. No wonder life is so stupid, it's a parody.  
  
Dog: Arf!  
  
Kain: (looks at the dog, annoyed) Why are you still here?  
  
(then Kain and the dog passed the shell)  
  
Kain: I got through the magic wall completely unharmed. I guess the magic only prayed  
  
on things that were alive and pure.  
  
Rahab (from off-screen): I'M NOT PURE! WAHHH!!! (sobs uncontrollably)  
  
Dumah (from off-screen): Don't be such a weak woman!  
  
Kain: (to Rahab and Dumah) SHUT THE HELL UP! (then back to the script) Or, perhaps  
  
it simply decided that I was twisted enough. (to himself) Oh yeah, I'm good.  
  
Dog: Arf!  
  
Kain: Ok, why the hell did the dog make it through? (to the dog) I'm warning you, if  
  
you stab me in the ass with an axe-helmet like those annoying-as-hell things in Soul  
  
Reaver 2, then your life is over)  
  
(then Kain wondered around killings stuff...and things. And when he wasn't killings  
  
things, he was either walking or playing in the mud and lava with Dog. Then as Kain  
  
got closer, he could see the castle from the distance)  
  
Kain: (dramatically) A tower stood in the distance. From the top (then Kain shifted to a  
  
heroic stance) it spewed energy that shaped and deformed our land. It's up to a hero  
  
like me to stop it.  
  
Dog: Bark!  
  
Kain: (really getting annoyed with Dog) Dammit Dog! It's not as daring or heroic with  
  
you interrupting me all the time! (then Kain raised his sword up to kill Dog...but he  
  
just couldn't) Crap! This must be how you pesks survive in the wild!  
  
(then when Kain got further, he saw more deformed humans and more dachshunds,  
  
and since he was ashamed of himself for not being able to kill something, he just ran  
  
inside the castle)  
  
Kain: (looking around) The surface of the castle bellied its exterior...yeah, I don't  
  
know what that means either. Why'd I even say that, I must've been on crack or  
  
something at the time. But it was larger inside than out, like those old cartoons. Stupid  
  
bunny ALWAYS taking the wrong turn at Albuquerque. But with all the powers the Circle  
  
had, why not just make extra space for this place? (then Kain thought for a moment)  
  
Cause even Vorador could beat them up. The Circle are such wussys.  
  
Dog: Grrr!  
  
Kain: (to Dog) Shut up!  
  
(then Kain left and explored more rooms and eventually got to a room that had a bunch  
  
of chemicals)  
  
Kain: Wow! I'm gonna have fun with this! This is a sorceress' laboratory! There are all  
  
sorts of things here, like pickled bodies (Kain picks up one of the pickle- covered bodies  
  
and eats it) wow! Now that's crunchy! What else is here? (sees a dissected corpse)  
  
Awsome! These things are the best! (then Kain sensed more than one force being  
  
manipulated) I sense more than one force being manipulated. That's strange.  
  
sorceresses...sorceressi...sorceressis, whatever the hell that is. Well, they don't  
  
work together.  
  
Dog: Arf! Bark!  
  
Kain: I swear, if Rehab didn't love animals so much I'd kill you where you stand!  
  
(then Kain went forward, killing things while getting his butt kicked all the time partly  
  
because of his Chaos Armor and then Kain entered a room that had a spell and axes  
  
swinging from the walls)  
  
Kain: (receiving the spell) Aw dude! It's Spirit Death! Man, this is bitchin'est! This spell  
  
is worthy of the Neroticmancer himself! I get to dissect a creature's soul. Just like  
  
Raziel! I mean, just like my ingrate son! I know not to use this spell on myself! (then  
  
Kain looks around the set and decides a target) Rehab, come here!  
  
(Rahab, still scarred, inches toward Kain)  
  
Rahab: (very twitchy) Um...ahhh! I mean...what? AHHH!!!  
  
Kain: I need to test something! (Kain uses Spirit Death on Rahab, hurting him but not  
  
killing him)  
  
Rahab: (pain and twitch) Gyahhhhhh!!! (runs off screaming)  
  
Kain: This is fun as hell!  
  
(so Kain goes around using his new-found spell and having lots of fun until the same  
  
thing that kills all of his fun happens. He runs out of magic)  
  
Kain: Awww, I was really on a role!  
  
(so Kain wonders around the dungeon some more and finds the Flesh Armor)  
  
Kain: (getting the Armor) Oh, cool! With this the armor sucks blood for me! (puts on  
  
the Flesh Armor, which is really just a red jump-suit) This looks like a bloody jump-suit.  
  
Now I can breath in outer space! No wait, that's a space suit.  
  
(then Kain walks forward, teleports a lot, kills a lot, then finds a door leading to Bane,  
  
Dejoule, and Anacrothe. As soon as Kain goes through the door, the filming ends)  
  
____________________________________________________________  
  
Kain: That sure was fun filming! But now I've gotta go get Zephon from the evil  
  
clutches of the nudists, since he's too stupid to protect himself from naked people.  
  
The scene is now the nudist meeting. Everyone's naked except Zephon and  
  
Umah, who's holding a knife  
  
Umah: Zephon, I'm not getting naked in front of you!  
  
Zephon: It'll be fresh!  
  
Sabastion: (holding voice box) Yes, it's good for you!  
  
Umah: Fine, you get naked first Zephon!  
  
Zephon: Not with you holding that knife! I have a clue as to what you might do!  
  
Sebastion: (holding voice box) It's nature, Umah. Nature hates knives!  
  
Umah: (to Sebastion) Shut up, you naked freak!  
  
Then Kain bursts in and sees everyone  
  
Kain: (sees Sevastion naked and covers his eyes) I should've known you were the sick  
  
bastard organizing this!  
  
Sebastion: (with voice box) This is nature's way!  
  
Kain: (disgusted) Well nature's way is sick! I can't believe-(sees a naked woman, then  
  
in a seductive tone) Hey lady!  
  
Zephon: Help me Kain!  
  
Kain: Why aren't you naked Umah!  
  
Random Dumahim (same as earlier): Wow, are we gonna have an orgy!?  
  
Zephon: Help me!  
  
Kain: Umah, you can't hurt a blind person. That's horrible!  
  
Zephon: But I'm not blind!  
  
Kain: (sprays a bunch of mace into Zephon's eyes) Now you are.  
  
Zephon: IT BURNS!!! (then Zephon leaves)  
  
Kain: (to Umah) Can I see you naked? (she glares menacingly at him) That's a no.  
  
(then to Sebastion) Oh, and Sebastion. (Kain walks over, snatches Sebastion's voice  
  
box, then crushes it and leaves)  
  
Sebastion: ...! ...? ...!?  
  
  
  
______________________________________________________ Well, the reason this chapter took so long was because of writer's block. It was kind of hard finding some ways to make this place humorous. I promise the next chapter will be better. Don't forget to review! 


	11. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Do you own LoK or any characters in this fic? No. Neither do I  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene was Kain's throne room and there was a pool nearby. Kain was  
  
talking to everyone about an important event  
  
Kain: Guess what? (the Lieutenants just stare) Ariel is coming to check the progress on  
  
the film! But she's bringing Nupraptor! I get to show her how much better I am than  
  
Battery-powered Head!  
  
Zephon: Battery-powered Head? I don't get it.  
  
(Vorador and Janos come staggering in)  
  
Vorador: (obviously drunk) HEY! You Kain.  
  
Janos: (drunk too) You be DA MAN! KAIN!  
  
Kain: Vorador, how'd you get Janos drunk!  
  
Vorador: I told him it was wine.  
  
Janos: I'm such an idiot! Hahahahahahah! Geehee!  
  
Kain: Riiiiiiiight...  
  
(then in walks three special guests. The first was the actual Ariel, with her lover and  
  
second special guest, Nupraptor. Then the third special guest was some dude they had  
  
found on their travels who was bumbling about conspiracies. His name was Uri Gellar)  
  
Ariel: It's Kain!  
  
Nupraptor: (less excited) Kain.  
  
Uri: I'm special! I can bend spoons with my mind!  
  
Zephon: Oh, KICK ASS! SHOW ME! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!  
  
Uri: Even though you'll probably be filed under a conspiracy, I'll show you!  
  
(then Zephon and Uri walk away, leaving Ariel and Kain and everyone else)  
  
Kain: (whispering to Turel) Turel, what do I say to her?  
  
Turel: (whispering back) Don't worry, I heard this from a song, it's sure to work! (then  
  
Turel whispers to Kain the words to say)  
  
Kain: (to Nupraptor) Hey Battery-powered Head. (then to Ariel, and very seriously  
  
begins to tell Ariel what Turel said he should say) Ariel, I don't want anybody  
  
else...when I think about you...I touch myself.  
  
Ariel: That was so beautiful.  
  
Nupraptor: What!? But he said he touched himself!  
  
Ariel: But that is kind-hearted.  
  
Nupraptor: But I touch myself too when I think of you!  
  
Ariel: (disgusted) That's just nasty.  
  
Kain: (to Turel) Score! Good one Turel!  
  
Turel: Thanks.  
  
Nupraptor: (to Ariel) Well, I got you a gift! (he gives her a gift. It's a battery) Now your  
  
head can glow like mine.  
  
Ariel: Oh, cool! I love you Nupraptor! (to Kain) What present do you have me?  
  
Kain: (worried) Um...uh...well...(looks to Turel and yanks Turel in front of  
  
him)  
  
Ariel: (sarcastically) My very own Turel. Wow.  
  
Kain: No. It's the gift of song. (throws Turel behind him, then whispers to Turel) Make  
  
it something romantic. I don't need any songs about suicide or murder!  
  
Turel: Got it! (thinks to himself) One of my favorite songs! This is gonna be a laugh.  
  
This song is what I think about Ariel.  
  
Kain: (Kain moves his mouth to match the words Turel is singing to make it look like  
  
Kain is the one singing, but with horrible choreography)  
  
So this is our last good-bye  
  
You don't care, so I won't cry  
  
You'll be sorry when I'm dead  
  
Cause all this guilt will be on your head (starts to get PO'ed at Turel)  
  
I GUESS YOU CALL IT SUICIDE! (then Kain quickly turns around and starts to strangle  
  
Turel, sometimes punching him, while Ariel just rolls her eyes annoyed) This situation  
  
couldn't get any worse or any less romantic.  
  
(then Zephon came running in, extremely excited)  
  
Zephon: WHOA MAN! THIS DUDE'S AWESOME MAN! HE, LIKE, BENDS SPOONS WITH  
  
HIS MIND, MAN! WITH JUST HIS MIND! WHOA MAN, IT'S AWESOME! MIND...BEND  
  
SPOON! TOTALLY KICK ASS MAN! (Zephon is still very excited, so he gets a loud  
  
speaker phone and yells in it) DUDE! SPEAKER PHONE! URI BENDING SPOON WITH  
  
MIND! HOW CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER!? (then Zephon runs off screen and then yells  
  
cause he found something to make the day better) MUDDY DOG! LET'S ROLL AROUND!  
  
DUDE, I WANNA BEND A SPOON WITH MY MIND! IT'S AWESOME! SPOON! MIND!  
  
WAHOO!  
  
Kain: (sighs an extremely heavy sigh)  
  
Ariel: Wasn't that one of your sons?  
  
Kain: Kind of...  
  
Ariel: Your sons still live with you?  
  
Kain: Well...he's about to move out. Everyone here is.  
  
Raziel: Really!? You actually want us to move out!?  
  
Kain: No!  
  
Ariel: So you want to be with your children this long?  
  
(then Ariel sees a drunken Vorador and Janos stumbling in)  
  
Janos: We're out of nachos! Buy more!  
  
Ariel: Let me guess, college roommates.  
  
Kain: (starting to get angry) Please just listen...  
  
Ariel: Why do you STILL live with your children? That's sad, especially your mentally  
  
retarded son Zephon. And Vorador and Janos, you live with those two!? What the hell's  
  
wrong with you?  
  
Kain: (furious) SHUT THE HELL UP ARIEL! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN GET THE HELL  
  
OUT!  
  
Dumah: Our father's defending us! Oh, this is so kick ass.  
  
Kain: Of course my children are living with me, I love my kids! (then realizes what he  
  
just said) Oh dammit, now they know! Besides, I need them here or else nothing would  
  
ever get done! I mean, why should I waste MY muscles when my sons can do  
  
everything for me! (then he points to Vorador and Janos) And sure, they're drunk and  
  
all, but they have an excuse! They're dumbasses! So, you can leave!  
  
Ariel: Fine. Nupraptor, Uri, follow me.  
  
Nupraptor: As you wish.  
  
Uri: No! You've formed a conspiracy to kill me!  
  
Ariel: Fine. Stay. (then she and Nupraptor leave)  
  
Uri: Freaks. (then he starts to try to bend another spoon with his mind again)  
  
Dumah: Wow, you sure won't be getting anything from her.  
  
Kain: Shut up ingrate!  
  
Rahab: Our daddy protected us!  
  
Raziel: That's cause our daddy loves us!  
  
Kain: No, I protected you things because y'all are stupid. I protected Vorador because  
  
he is an old pervert. And I protected Janos cause he's a little wussy pretty-boy. And no  
  
one calls Zephon stupid except his family!  
  
Zephon: Yeah!  
  
Kain: Shut up dumbass! (then Kain gets an idea) Y'know, since I discovered that Ariel is  
  
a total bitch, I'd like to make some revisions to Zephon's costume. Revenge time!  
  
Raziel: Well that can't be good.  
  
Kain: Ok, we start filming soon. I've just got to get Zephon more appropriate Ariel  
  
clothes.  
  
Zephon: Don't say I wear a thong, those hurt!  
  
Kain: Oh, don't worry. (then Kain runs off)  
  
Zephon: I don't think I'll like this.  
  
Rahab: He protected us! When he showed me Vorador's magazine, he wasn't trying to  
  
scar me, he was trying to enlighten me! I love my daddy!  
  
Raziel: Yeah, sure.  
  
Rahab: Then I can still be what I want to be!  
  
Raziel: What's that?  
  
Rahab: It's-(Kain then came rushing in)  
  
Kain: I've just thought of the mostest cruelest prank in the world to pull on Ariel. Let's  
  
start filming!  
  
  
  
  
  
The filming then started. The scene is the dungeon we left off at, and Kain  
  
  
  
just walked in the room with Rahab as Bane, Zephon as Dejoule, and Janos  
  
as Anacrothe  
  
Kain: Aha, three sorcerers. Dejoule the Energyist, Bane the Jewish, and Anacrothe the  
  
Asinine.  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): (dressed in a robe with long fake hair running down) Hey, you  
  
interrupted our threesome!  
  
Rahab (as Bane): (in just his boxers and balancing a moose head on his head) So, the  
  
scrooge of the Circle has arrived!  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): Fear him not, ya little pansy! He is but a Welch; his soul is ours  
  
for the stealing! Mwahahahahahahaha!  
  
Janos (as Anacrothe): (in a multi-colored robe with a pot-leaf on it like the kinds on a  
  
hippy's shirt) Screw you guys, I don't wanna die! Malek, help! (then Janos throws a  
  
smoke bomb on the ground with a disappointing 'foof' and the smoke only rose up to  
  
his knees) Damn it! (then Janos just ran away, then he supernaturally quickly changed  
  
into his Malek costume)  
  
Kain: Damn son of a bitch, Anacrothe the Asinine! You don't have to be such an ass! So  
  
that's why he's called the Asinine. (then Kain pulls out a ring. Vorador magically  
  
appears)  
  
Janos (as Malek): (sees Vorador) Vengeance! Vengeance for everything you stupid lazy-  
  
eyed transvestite!  
  
Vorador: Welch! As if you had any idea what eternity is! And I'm not a transvestite! I'm  
  
all about the women!  
  
Janos: That's what all gay people say!  
  
Vorador: Well at least I'm not a hippy! (then Kain punches him and Janos)  
  
Kain: Get back to the script you idiots!  
  
Vorador: Grovel to your true master!  
  
Janos (as Malek): Never! (then in Janos' own words) I'll cut your from your balls to your  
  
nostrils and feed what's left of you to your husbands!  
  
(then Dejoule and Bane run away, then Kain follows them)  
  
Vorador: (in his own words) You ungrateful SOB! I'll kill you!  
  
(then Janos and Vorador fought each other, up until Vorador broke the very cheap  
  
spear-thingy and Malek shot some blue at Vorador, which Vorador misted and tried to  
  
strike Janos, but Janos kicked him in the shin. They both got PO'ed at each other, then  
  
Vorador threw down his weapon and Janos and Vorador bitch-slapped each other  
  
repeatedly)  
  
The scene is outside and there's a swimming pool with Rahab (as Bane)  
  
walking around it and Zephon (as Dejoule is standing on the water)  
  
Kain: (hearing several bitch-slaps, knowing that's not in the script) As Vorador and  
  
Malek fought like little wussy schoolgirls, I chased after Bane and Dejoule...I waltzed  
  
their waltz, but when the time came, they'd get an enima from my sword.  
  
Rahab (as Bane): His magic is crappy! He is an offense to Nature, so let's purify the  
  
smelly bastard!  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): Burn! Burn baby burn! Disco inferno! (then to himself) Disco is  
  
cool. I wish I could live in that time.  
  
(then Kain armed the Flame Sword, which was just a stick that was on fire, and rushed  
  
at Rahab, who had already digged some of the ground up. Kain saw this, hit Rahab  
  
with the Flame Sword then Rahab looked at himself, now on fire)  
  
Rahab: ...  
  
Kain: (looking at the stick, which had fire running out of control) Oh crap.  
  
Rahab: (finally feeling the pain) AHHHHH!!! IT BURNS! (then Rahab was running  
  
around screaming in endless circles yelling)  
  
Zephon: Rahab! Stop, drop, and roll!  
  
Kain: (seeing the stick completely on fire) Damn, the stick is on fire! (Kain then hit  
  
Rahab repeatedly with the stick, hoping the fire would stick to Rahab, extinguishing the  
  
stick)  
  
Rahab: (while being the crap beat out of him by the stick) Ow! STOP YOU BASTARD,  
  
I'M ON FIRE! (then Rahab continued running around in endless circles)  
  
Zephon: Stop, drop, and roll! That what I always do when I'm on fire! I don't just run in  
  
endless circles screaming like some wussy!  
  
Kain: (finally deciding to throw the stick away) Screw this stick!  
  
Zephon: Um, pretend Rahab's dead and just fight me!  
  
Kain: Good idea! (then Kain snatches the moose head from Rahab, whose still just  
  
standing there screaming)  
  
Zephon (as Dejoule): Haha! Die you pitiful Welch!  
  
Kain: I'll kill you! (then Kain shot an energy bolt at Zephon, and it hit him! Kain was  
  
amazed nothing went wrong) Awesome!  
  
Zephon: Ow! Hey, that hurt!  
  
Kain: It did!? Then it worked! Yahoo! (then Kain repeatedly hit him with energy bolts till  
  
Zephon was curled up on the ground in agony) I win!  
  
Zephon: Ouchies! Somebody help me! (Rahab was still just standing up on fire, but  
  
then the fire went out and Rahab collapsed)  
  
Kain: Yes! (then Kain went over to Zephon and was about to grab the cloak when he  
  
thought of something) If Zephon is naked under this cloak, I'll kill him! (then Kain  
  
grabbed the cloak to reveal...that Zephon was normally dressed under the cloak)  
  
Wow, that's a surprise. (then Kain walked off)  
  
Zephon: (weakly and to himself) Heehe. Of course I'm gonna dress normally, I've kinda  
  
got a date tonight. I've got to give Umah back her silk panties. Hehe, oh I kill myself.  
  
Kain: (holding the moose head) The moose head had broken in the fight, but power still  
  
resided in its...um, there's got to be some power here somewhere. (looks in an eye)  
  
Is that it? No. Oh well, I'll figure it out on my way back to Slut's...I mean Ariel's  
  
place. (looking at the cloak) The cloak was made of fabric, and all the energy was  
  
woven into this cloth. What was Dejoule, Pillar of Fabric Softeners or something?  
  
(as Kain made his way back, he stepped on a teleporter and found a little face mask  
  
painted gray)  
  
Kain: (picking up the face mask) Ah, Malek's helmet. Vorador had finally killed Malek.  
  
(looks at the back of the face mask) Now where the hell's his head?  
  
(then Kain flew back to the Pillars)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is the Pillars of Nosgoth, where Zephon (as Ariel) awaits  
  
  
  
(when Kain got there, Zephon had lipstick all around his mouth, a little strip around his  
  
chest, acting as the shirt, with a cigarette in between the fake breasts. He was also  
  
wearing a very small thong, like his character was trying to show as much as possible,  
  
while still looking like a slut)  
  
Kain: (looking at the slutty costume he made for Zephon, then chuckled) The helmet of  
  
Malek I place before the Pillar of Conflict; thus it was restored. At the toes of the  
  
Energy Pillar, I place Dejoule's cloak; thus it was restored. The moose head of the  
  
Jewish Bane I set before another stupid annoying pillar; thus, it...(then gets  
  
annoyed and mocks Raziel's voice) That's it, I grow tiresome of this same refrain; thus  
  
it was restored, thus it was restored.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): You must find Azimuth the Planar at the throat of Avernus.  
  
Kain: How do you know this, almighty slut?  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): I gave one of the inhabitants a blowjob for info.  
  
Kain: But isn't that unhealthy and disgusting?  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): I'm a slut; I don't care! Oh, and 5 instruments...  
  
Kain: 3 instruments woman.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Hey! Don't like being interrupted. Any who, 3 instruments await you,  
  
but first you will have to rise, fall, and...stuff. Oh, and don't forget about your  
  
salvation in between, that's very important!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is now outside of Dark Eden  
  
  
  
(Kain has flown to a cave outside Dark Eden, and went through the cave to the other  
  
side. He then walked forward and saw a gate rise, which he went into. There were  
  
metal bars everywhere)  
  
Kain: Where the hell is this? (Kain walked forward to find a pipe on the ground that  
  
went up to Kain's feet) Oh no, now how will I cross this loathsome pipe!  
  
(so then Kain turned to wolf form and walked over it then started flipping switches that  
  
makes pipes turn until he got to another wolf)  
  
Kain: (in wolf form) Rarrr!  
  
Wolf: Meow!  
  
Kain: (in wolf form) Rowrrrr!!!  
  
Wolf: Moo!  
  
Kain: (Kain then turned to Vampire and hit the wolf, which turned out to be a person  
  
disguised as a wolf) You idiot!  
  
Wolf-Person: Do wolves go Moo or did I screw that up?  
  
Kain: You screwed it up! (then Kain kills him and continues on. Eventually, he gets to  
  
the almighty Lightning Spell) With this spell, I call the Heaven's hotline and deliver  
  
lightning to eviscerate my enemies!  
  
(then Kain walks forward and 50 wolves appear and come after Kain)  
  
Kain: Time to use Lightning! (then Kain got out a phone and dialed) Hello I- (then an  
  
answering machine came on)  
  
Answering Machine (with Zeus' voice): Hello, I'm not here right now, but if you want  
  
my services press the number 1. (Kain presses 1) Okay, if a huge demon is eating you  
  
press 1 now. If some Hungarians are killing you press 2 now. (the wolves were now a  
  
few feet away from Kain) If you are killing yourself press 3 now. If you are a vampire  
  
and your Lieutenant son is trying to kill you press 4 now.  
  
Kain: Damn it, get to pack of wolves!  
  
Answering Machine (still Zeus): If some crazy bitch has stolen your clothes and left you  
  
to die press 5 now. (the 50 wolves are now eating Kain) If your hair is on fire press 6  
  
now. If you are being eaten by wolves...  
  
Kain: Yes! What's the number!? (just got his foot chewed on)  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): If you are being eaten by wolves press...I lost  
  
count, I need to start again.  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): You're getting to old for this! Let me do  
  
this! What number are we on!?  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Um...we just got finished with number 6. It's old  
  
age I tell you, what's next?  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): The number is 7, you moron!  
  
Kain: Thank you! (then Kain presses 7 and nothing happens) Hey!  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Damn it Zeus, can't you do anything right!?  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Of course I can! What about Hercules!?  
  
(then the Lightning spell kills all 50 wolves, leaving Kain almost dead)  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Nanananana! I told you I could do something right!  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): I'll sick Hades on your ass!  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): BRING IT ON!  
  
(then Kain hangs up and wonders out of the Lightning dungeon cave thingy. When Kain  
  
steps out he activates a Bat Beacon and goes up a hill and looks at Avernus)  
  
Kain: Avernus ate itself before mine eyes. (then Kain continued on, killing things,  
  
mutilating things, you know, the usual Kain stuff. Then Kain got to the Avernus gate,  
  
which opened before him) The gate of Avernus opened slowly before me. Well, what a  
  
coincidence, I was just going to Avernus.  
  
(then Kain walked in and found lots of corpses)  
  
Kain: How come these corpses never have any blood left in them? This city is paved in  
  
blood and flesh. This would have appalled me in life, but only made me so very hungry.  
  
(so Kain walked on, pouting about not having any blood to drink, despite the fact that  
  
there were human and guards all over the place. Then Kain noticed that the buildings  
  
were in ruin)  
  
Kain: Whatever destroyed this placed killed its people as well. Maybe I did this  
  
sleepwalking, cause nothing's as reckless and destructive as me!  
  
(Kain went in a ravaged building and saw a demon)  
  
Kain: The beast paused for a moment, drooling in anticipation because it thought it  
  
could kill me! Ha! It wouldn't lay a finger on me!  
  
(then the demon bit Kain's head)  
  
Kain: Ow you bastard! (then Kain killed it and walked on and found a HUGE demon)  
  
Huge Demon: Die you puny little morsel. I have come for your heart! I am your  
  
provider!  
  
Kain: (scared) I'm so gonna die. (then Kain poked the HUGE demon with the Flame  
  
Stick...I mean Flame Sword. Just that little poke killed it. Then Kain was suddenly  
  
confident again) Yeah! I made it! Now nothing can hurt me! (then one of those  
  
annoying little shadow things came up and poked his toe) Ow, crap, that hurt!  
  
(so Kain went around all the ruined buildings but then found one that stood out from  
  
the rest. A cathedral that wasn't harmed at all)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is now the Silenced Cathedral dressed up as the aforementioned  
  
Cathedral  
  
Zephon: I'm the one who came up with that idea. I'm brilliance incarnated, what can I  
  
say?  
  
(Kain walked inside the Cathedral, which wasn't destroyed at all)  
  
Kain: Avernus was a religious autophcracy, and this here cathedral was is biasis of  
  
power, so them thar demons knew not to bite the hand that feeds them.  
  
(Kain wandered around, got teleported a lot and pressed buttons on machines)  
  
Kain: What are mechanical things like this doing here?  
  
(shut up, you're making this complicated. Anyway, he finally got 3 different doors to  
  
open near the end of the Cathedral, but before he could go, 2 cloak-wearing wizards  
  
appeared before him and they got out books)  
  
Kain: (sees the books) Ahhh!!! Get those blasted things away from me! Books can kill!  
  
(then a cloak-wearer opened the book and fire hit Kain) Hey, books really DO kill!  
  
Reading sucks! Look how well I'm doing and I haven't read an entire book in my life or  
  
unlife! Reading is bad! Die you spawns of satan! (then Kain tears up the books) (to the  
  
cloak-wearers) Ha! You can't harm me now! (then they just got out more books) (in an  
  
irritated tone) No, not again! (then Kain Spirit Deathed them)  
  
(after he killed them, he went into the left door which led to a teleporter. Kain stepped  
  
on the teleporter and was teleported to Heaven, where he would eventually find the  
  
Soul Reaver)  
  
Kain: (looking around the white room) Where am I? (then Kain wanders forward some,  
  
just to meet Attila the Hun) Now I know where I am. (to Attila) Hey, what are YOU  
  
doing here!?  
  
Attila the Hun: Got any chicken?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Attila the Hun: Oh, ok. Rock on dude! (then Attila the Hun wandered away)  
  
Kain: Wow, that was weird. (then Kain went on, getting shot by arrows, beat up by  
  
some guards and got temporarily maimed by a maiming bird till he finally found it-he  
  
found the Soul Reaver)  
  
(the Soul Reaver just stood there, then Kain picked it up)  
  
Kain: (holding the Soul Reaver, which was the real Soul Reaver by the way, not a fake  
  
one) Time fades away, even legend, whatever that meant. Anyway, the origin of the  
  
Soul Reaver has long since been forgotten, but its purpose remains-to feed on the souls  
  
of anything it touches. We're kin, this blade and I! (then Kain swung the Soul Reaver,  
  
but since it's so heavy it flies out of his hand and lands through his foot) Well, the  
  
bottom of my shoe is gone.  
  
(then Kain walks around with the Soul Reaver through his foot till he finally stops  
  
because his nerve endings tell him something)  
  
Kain: Ow!!! Get IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OUCH!  
  
(then Kain started crying from the pain, then cried some more because his tears burnt  
  
him. After Kain's trip to the hospital, the filming started again. Then Kain walks through  
  
a teleporter and goes through another door, leading to hell. Kain walked forward while  
  
in Hell, then noticed something. There was no fire or redness at all in Hell. Everything  
  
was blue and there was lots of ice)  
  
Kain: (very annoyed sigh) What dumbass left the A/C on in Hell!? (sarcastically) Great,  
  
thanks! (then seriously and PO'ed) Now Hell is FROZEN OVER! LITERALLY! Damn it!  
  
Now we can't do this scene, and I had SO MUCH planned for this scene! Just give me  
  
the frickin' armor! (Rahab rushed in and gave Kain the Wraith Armor, which was just a  
  
jumpsuit painted black, but now it was a frozen suit. Kain put it on) This is cold. And it's  
  
seriously riding up on me and uncomfortable and freezing me where it hurts. GET ME  
  
OUT OF HERE!  
  
(after Kain rocked forward and shattered his armor, he got teleported back to the door  
  
that led to Azimuth. But 1 room before Kain got in there, he saw a stain glass roof with  
  
the battle between Vorador and Malek)  
  
Kain: (looking up to see it) Christ, they got that done already? It only happened about  
  
an hour ago. (then Kain entered the room with Azimuth. Azimuth wasn't played by  
  
Zephon! Instead Azimuth was played by Janos. The costume was a blue thong with a  
  
blue cape and a big, orange ring around the neck) I think I'd prefer to see Zephon  
  
there instead of you.  
  
Janos (as Azimuth): AH, WHAT'S THIS!? MINE DIDN'T NOT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE  
  
SOUL REAVER AND ARMOR EXISTEED. YOU WEAR THOSE TRINKETS WELL KAIN, BUT  
  
THEY'D LOOK BETTERER ON MINE BODY!  
  
Kain: The matrix of Avernus, the Lady Azimuth. She could summon demons!  
  
(then the battle commenced. Kain walked toward Janos with the Soul Reaver)  
  
Janos (as Azimuth): Come to me my children! We shall ravage Nosgoth together! Oh,  
  
and Kain, you'll never kill me! (then Kain killed Azimuth with one swipe of the Soul  
  
Reaver. Then he picked up a third eye)  
  
Kain: What the hell's this for? (Kain walked into another room and found a Toy Truck)  
  
Hm?  
  
Zephon (as Ariel's voice): It shan't deliver you in time.  
  
Kain: I though it was shall. (then Kain left and was outside of a castle. He could see a  
  
Voice Recorder on the ground and he ran to it, only to be forced into bat form and fly  
  
away from it) Aw crap, now I'll never know what I says! (Kain arrived at the Pillars with  
  
a slutty-looking Ariel)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (sees the Toy Truck) Ah, you have found Moebius' toy. He got that  
  
when he turned 49 and its his favorite toy. Many a time he'd pretend he was a fireman,  
  
pretending that toy truck was his own personal Fire Truck. The Legions of the Nemesis  
  
are on there way and you must stop them!  
  
Kain: How can one stop an army?  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Rally together Willendork's troops; you are now Nosgoth's only hope!  
  
Kain: We're all gonna die. Cut! (then the filming stops and is over)  
  
__________________________________________________  
  
Kain: That sure took forever. (to Rahab) Hey Rehab, can you arrange a prank wedding?  
  
Rahab: What're you gonna do?  
  
Kain: Trust me. And bring Ariel here. Time to get married. (then he does that creepy  
  
laugh of his)  
  
Rahab: This can't be good.  
  
(a marriage was arranged and the Lieutenants were all there, Uri was there, Kain and  
  
Ariel of course were there, and Nupraptor was there. Kain and Ariel was walking up the  
  
aisle)  
  
Ariel: I'm so glad I marrying you. Now you can pay everything while I just lye around.  
  
Oh, and we're gonna have to do something with your place. How about how wonderful  
  
purple curtains. Oh, and we're gonna have to do something with your kids. They're  
  
horrible, especially Zephon and Raziel. Maybe we should castrate Zephon.  
  
Kain: (in disbelief) What!?  
  
Ariel: You're gonna have to get your stupid act together. I don't want to have to divorce  
  
you if you won't be my slave, but I might. Oh, and you'll have to do something with  
  
your voice. How about we get you an Elvis voice box?  
  
Kain: (incredible furious)...  
  
Rahab: Will you kiss the bride?  
  
Raziel (whispering to Rahab): What's Kain gonna do?  
  
Rahab (whispering back): Don't know.  
  
(then Kain and Ariel kiss. Kain says he needs to go to his room right quick and that Ariel  
  
should meet him there. Kain leaves, followed by Ariel)  
  
Zephon: I don't want that bitch as a mom. She wants to castrate me! She's gone too  
  
far!  
  
(Ariel walked into Kain's room and found Kain in bed with Umah)  
  
Ariel: (extremely mad) WHAT!!!???  
  
Kain: Oh, yeah, Ariel. About the wedding and all...I WAS ONLY KIDDING!  
  
Ariel: (PO'ed) Kain...  
  
Kain: I can't believe you fell for that! I mean, you're such a bitch. Now, if you ever try  
  
to castrate Zephon or put my family and friends down again, you'll receive worse. Now  
  
leave, oh and, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT, YOU'RE SO GULLABLE!  
  
(then Ariel stormed off)  
  
Umah: That's the only reason you wanted me in bed!? Fine, I'm leaving! (then Umah  
  
left)  
  
Kain: Aw, damn.  
  
Zephon: I LOVE MY DADDY!  
  
Uri Gellar: Your dad's awesome! He's not a conspiracy! Heheha!  
  
Kain: Ok, from now on, you kids are on your own. Learn from the best!  
  
Bloopers ----------------------------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Janos (as Anacrothe): (in a multi-colored robe with a pot-leaf on it like the kinds on a  
  
hippy's shirt) Screw you guys, I don't wanna die! Malek, help! (then Janos throws a  
  
smoke bomb on the ground but it turns out not to be a smoke bomb. Dumah switched  
  
it with a fire cracker, which pops on Janos' foot) OW! DAMN DUMAH! (then Janos  
  
punches Dumah in the groin then punches Dumah in the face, making Dumah land in  
  
the pool)  
  
Rahab: Woah! Don't upset Janos.  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
Take 5  
  
Janos (as Malek): Never! (then in Janos' own words) I'll cut your from your balls to your  
  
nostrils and feed what's left of you to your husbands!  
  
(then Dejoule and Bane run away, then Kain follows them)  
  
Vorador: (in his own words) You ungrateful SOB! I'll kill you!  
  
(then Janos kicks him in the side and kicks Vorador into the water)  
  
Kain: Will you please stop beating everyone up, Janos?  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Take 9  
  
Rahab: (while being the crap beat out of him by the stick) Ow! STOP YOU BASTARD,  
  
I'M ON FIRE! (then Rahab continued running around in endless circles)  
  
Zephon: Stop, drop, and roll! That what I always do when I'm on fire! (then Kain  
  
decides to set Zephon on fire)  
  
Kain: Do it.  
  
Zephon: (on fire) AHH!! (then Zephon leans over and dumps his head in the wated to  
  
get the fire off his head, then Zephon realizes something) IT BURNS!!!  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Take 15  
  
Kain: (in wolf form) Rarrr!  
  
Wolf: Meow!  
  
Kain: (in wolf form) Rowrrrr!!!  
  
Wolf: Moo!  
  
Kain: (Kain then turned to Vampire and hit the wolf, which turned out to be a person  
  
disguised as a wolf) You idiot!  
  
Wolf-Person: Do wolves go Moo or did I screw that up?  
  
Kain: You screwed that up you idiot!  
  
Wolf-Person: Can't we just leave that part in?  
  
Kain: No! (then Wolf-Person chomps onto Kain's leg) Ow! Ok, we can leave that part in!  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Take 19  
  
Kain: Thank you! (then Kain presses 7 and nothing happens) Hey!  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Damn it Zeus, can't you do anything right!?  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Of course I can! What about Hercules!?  
  
(then the Lightning spell kills all 50 wolves, leaving Kain almost dead)  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): Nanananana! I told you I could do something right!  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): I'll sick Hades on your ass!  
  
Answering Machine (Zeus' voice): BRING IT ON!  
  
Answering Machine (Attila the Hun's voice): Where's Hades!?  
  
Answering Machine (Hades' voice): Here I am. I'm cold.  
  
Answering Machine (Attila's voice): Where have you been?  
  
Answering Machine (Hades' voice): In Hell. I broke the A/C.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Take 23  
  
Kain: How come these corpses never have any blood left in them? This city is paved in  
  
blood and flesh. This would have appalled me in life, but only made me so very hungry.  
  
Raziel: What's up with the diagonal words?  
  
Kain: That makes them more dramatic.  
  
Raziel: Sure it does Captain Kirk.  
  
Kain: What (pauses) does that (pauses) mean?  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Take 29  
  
Janos (as Azimuth): AH, WHAT'S THIS!? MINE DIDN'T NOT EVEN KNOW THAT THERE  
  
SOUL REAVER AND ARMOR EXISTEED. YOU WEAR THOSE TINKLES LOOK WELL ON  
  
YOU KAIN-  
  
Kain: Those WHAT look well on me!?  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Take 33  
  
(after Kain rocked forward and shattered his armor, he got teleported back to the door  
  
that led to Azimuth. But 1 room before Kain got in there, he saw a stain glass roof with  
  
the battle between Vorador and Malek)  
  
Kain: (looking up to see it) Christ, they got that done already? It only happened about  
  
an hour ago. (then Kain walked forward and Marcus crashed through the stain glass  
  
roof, landed on Kain, then ran away)  
  
Marcus: You can't catch me!  
  
Kain: Well, that's two times that's happened to me. It's like dejavu, or however that's  
  
said.  
  
____________________________________________________________  
  
Well people, I know it's been a long time since I've updated, but I've been working hard on this and have been a bit lazy. Oh, and I have nothing against Ariel, just had to find some one else to pick on. Hope you loved this chapter and please review! 


	12. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or any of its characters and all that stupid stuff  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is Kain's throne room  
  
  
  
Zephon (watching Uri bend a spoon): You've seriously got to teach me to do that.  
  
Dumah: You'd need to be smart first.  
  
Raziel: Well, he's smarter than you!  
  
Dumah: No he's not!  
  
(Turel came running up to them, half-excited, half-scared)  
  
Turel: Rahab is coming! You might not like this!  
  
Melchiah: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
(then Rahab walked in, dressed entirely in black, holding a book in his left hand, has a  
  
heard, wearing glasses, and a black hat)  
  
Rahab: Hello, brother Raziel.  
  
Dumah: (look of disbelief)...  
  
Raziel: (disbelief, looking at Rahab) Rahab, what the hell are you?  
  
Rahab: No, brother Raziel, don't say the 'H' word, it singes mine eyes. I am a rabbi.  
  
Zephon: Oh my lord, are you insane?!  
  
Rahab: Don't speak of the lord like that, my little bother Zephon!  
  
Turel: Hey guys, what'll Kain do?  
  
Raziel: He'll kill him!  
  
Melchiah: Get out of town!  
  
Turel: Run away!  
  
Dumah: No, wait! Stay. Show Kain your new profession, this should be quite  
  
interesting...hehehehe.  
  
Turel: Dumah, are you insane!?  
  
(then Kain walked in and spotted Rahab)  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Rahab: Hello, bother Kain. Your aura is looking brighter today.  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Rahab: I sense something is bothering you, brother Kain.  
  
Kain: (disbelief)...  
  
Rahab: Your aura is getting deeper. Here, let me clean your soul. (pours holy water on  
  
him, not realizing it hurts him) There, don't you feel more cleansed.  
  
Kain: (the pain hasn't quit gotten to him, because he's too PO'ed)...  
  
Dumah: Is something going to happen or what? I want to see a fight.  
  
Rahab: Speak, brother Kain, or are you at loss of words to describe your delight about  
  
having your spirit cleansed?  
  
Kain: (pale face turning red)...!  
  
Rahab: Brother Dumah, do you know what's wrong?  
  
Dumah: Nothing's wrong! Hehehehe! In fact, he's so glad he's speechless. Shower him  
  
with more gifts.  
  
Rahab: Good idea, brother Dumah.  
  
Turel: (to Dumah) If you don't stop this, I'll kill you myself.  
  
Rahab: How about a deeper cleansing? I can make it so you won't long for the desires  
  
of the flesh. Or for those dirty desires of sex.  
  
Kain: (right eye starts twitching)...  
  
Rabah: Is that a yes, bother Kain? Broth-  
  
Kain: NO!!! WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO YOU!? WHO ARE YOU!?  
  
Rahab: I am your son brother Kain.  
  
Kain: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!  
  
Dumah: Now this is the good stuff.  
  
Kain: DO YOU WANT ALL OF US VAMPIRES DEAD!!?  
  
Dumah: Vampires are unholy creatures! They should all be slain!  
  
Kain: YOU'RE A VAMPIRE TOO DUMBASS!!!  
  
Rahab: Ah, such language hurts! I'm a vampire! Someone kill me!  
  
Kain: RIGHT! I WILL! (Kain dives to kill Rahab, but Uri intercepts him)  
  
Uri: You needn't kill your son. It's those damn aliens turning your son like this. The  
  
truth is out there!  
  
Kain: (slightly confused) WHAT!? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE ANYWAY!?  
  
Uri: (to the sky) You damn aliens, I know you're up there somewhere! Fix this boy  
  
Rahab!  
  
Zephon: Whoa, Uri is so gonna be my role model.  
  
Kain: (to Uri) What are you, some kinda freak!  
  
Uri: What!? Don't call me a freak!  
  
Kain: Freak, freak, freak, freak, freak!  
  
Uri: Don't get me angry!  
  
Kain: You can't do anything but bend spoons!  
  
Uri: (hurt) Ah!  
  
Zephon: (hurt too) He can to you bastard!  
  
Dumah: Ahahahaha! This is hilarious! I gotta tape this! (then Dumah starts taping the  
  
argument)  
  
Kain: That's right! All your can do is bend a spoon, like some stupid Pokemon thing!  
  
Uri: I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!  
  
Zephon: We'll rock you, Kain!  
  
Kain: Bring it on Uri!  
  
Uri: Die!  
  
Rahab: People, stop this!  
  
Kain: Let's fight!  
  
(Kain rushes at Uri with his three-punch combo, which Uri very easily evades, and  
  
counterattacks back by kicking Kain twice in the ribs very quickly, hurting Kain)  
  
Kain: Ow! Vampires are stronger!  
  
(then Kain moves to kick Uri, but before he can, Uri drop-kicks Kain. Kain scrambles  
  
back up, looks at Uri, and charges at him. Uri simply jump-kicks Kain, sending him to  
  
the ground again)  
  
Uri: You trust your eyes to much Kain; you're not a chameleon you know, you can't see  
  
everywhere at once!  
  
Kain: (getting up) Immolate!  
  
Uri: Rverse Immolate!  
  
Kain: What!? (the immolate spell bounces off Uri and immolated Kain, sending him to  
  
the ground) (weakly) Reverse Immolate?  
  
Uri: Bring it on!  
  
Kain: Gladly!  
  
(then Kain rushed up, jumped over Uri, then started Berserking Uri, who just dodged  
  
the hits, then when it came to the last slow-motion hit, Uri spun in the air and smashed  
  
his foot on Kain's head in slow motion, making Kain flip backward, so Uri punched Kain  
  
while Kain was still in the air, then Kain landed)  
  
Zephon: Whoa, neat-o!  
  
Rahab: This is simply dreadful!  
  
(then Kain got up and tried again to kick Uri, and Uri simply grabbed Kain's leg and  
  
threw Kain into one of the Pillars. Kain got up, jump-kicked at Uri, Uri ducked, and Kain  
  
slammed into Kain's own throne)  
  
Uri: You missed.  
  
Kain: You're someone I'll never forgive! Die!  
  
Dumah: This is classic!  
  
(then Kain done a punch-kick combo, Uri blocked every hit, then hit Kain in the shin  
  
and elbowed his back)  
  
Kain: How can a freaky human beat me up?  
  
Uri: Had enough?  
  
Kain: Not until I win! (then Uri imitated a crane) What the...? You look so stupid!  
  
(Uri imitated a crane that flew over to Kain, and poked Kain's eyes)  
  
Kain: Go to hell!  
  
Uri: Die!  
  
Rahab: STOP IT!!!!!!!  
  
(everything stopped. The Lieutenants starred at Rahab, Kain stopped and looked at  
  
Rahab, and Uri stopped and looked at Rahab. Uri was bitting Kain's esophagus at the  
  
time)  
  
Rahab: Don't you see what is happening? Everyone is getting torn apart! Let's all praise  
  
one another and stop this fighting!  
  
Zephon: (teary-eyed) Rahab is right! (to Rahab) Bless you Rahab!  
  
Turel: Rahab is right! (to Dumah) I love you my brother Dumah!  
  
Melchiah: Group hug?  
  
Raziel: Group hug! (all the Lieutenants group hugged)  
  
Uri: You know Kain, he's right! I love you my friend Kain!  
  
Kain: And I love you too, Uri! (then Kain punches his nose)  
  
Uri: You son of a bitch! (then Uri kicked Kain in the groin, spun around to make his next  
  
kick more powerful, and kicked Kain out of Kain's throne room, who then landed in  
  
water)  
  
Rahab: I say, let us film!  
  
Dumah: Yay! I love you guys!  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is back where Kain was before he was forced to fly off to meet  
  
  
  
Ariel. Kain was finally able to get to the Voice Recorder  
  
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice on it): The specter of Ariel led me to Willendorf. If I  
  
was to defeat the next member of the Circle, I needed to understand his machinations.   
  
With this vague advice in mind, I set forth on the road to Willendorf.  
  
Kain: Okay, when I first saw this thing, I was hoping for something cool, then I was  
  
forced to fly away, leaving suspense as to what cool things THIS VOICE RECORDER  
  
would play. And that was all it said? That's lame and boring!  
  
(so Kain walked forward then got to a cliff leading down. In front of it was a scarecrow  
  
with a bunch of crows on it)  
  
Kain: Some scarecrow, can't even keep crows away! (then a crow flew at Kain)  
  
(sarcastically) Oh no, a crow, I'm really scared! Hahahaha! (then the crow poked Kain  
  
in the eye) Ow, you SoB! (then Kain killed the crow with the Soul Reaver) There, no  
  
more crows. (then another crow came and Kain killed it, and that pattern went on with  
  
the next 563 crows, then Kain was getting weak) Stomach's caving in. Must eat!  
  
(while Kain kept getting bit by crows, Kain had a thought. He would eat a crow! A crow  
  
flew at him and with super speed, Kain caught the crow and ate it)  
  
Kain: (surprised at the taste) Wow, this is damn good crow! Yum, crow. (then Kain  
  
caught another crow and started eating it) Hey, I have my crow...and I'm eating it!  
  
(then Kain walked over to the scarecrow with crows on it) Hey, so that's where they're  
  
coming from! I'm taking this with me!  
  
(so Kain took the scarecrow with him and wondered down some more cliffs till he got to  
  
this strange set of teepees. He walked over to them, still carrying the scarecrow and  
  
occasionally eating more crow)  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Stupid, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept the thing that  
  
sustains him.  
  
Kain: (confused, then looking at the crow legs sticking out of his mouth) What, crows?  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): No, not crows you stupid idiot! Death! We can't sustain death!  
  
Kain: (while eating a crow) What's sustain mean? (then Kain spat out the crow he was  
  
eating) Yuck, that crow tasted like tin foil!  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Death cannot rule in a world without LIFE! This next crest is  
  
yours and yours alone. I cannot help you any more.  
  
Kain: (plucking a feather) You've said that already.  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): What?  
  
Kain: Well, when I was going to Dark Eden, you said you couldn't help me anymore  
  
then either. So supposedly you haven't come back.  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): (confused) Um...  
  
Kain: So you're not here now. So, who are you? (then he eats another crow) Yum,  
  
tastes like chicken.  
  
Dumah: You're right. Who am I anyway? I shall caste aside this role as Mortanius and  
  
find out who I really am! (then Dumah walked off the set to think)  
  
Kain: (irritated) Aw, damn it Dumah!  
  
(then Kain goes to the edge of a mountain and looks down and sees Willendorf)  
  
Kain: Ah, the mighty castle Willowdwarf, the proud, aragant, vain, egotistical defender  
  
of the realm with its Soldiers of Hope and their mighty ruler King Ottmar! The Lion  
  
Throne had held my alliance, but damn, this isn't any Lion Throne! This is more like  
  
Third World Country Throne! Willowdwarf is now nothing more than the getto!  
  
(then Kain sees a river leading into town)  
  
Kain: Wow, I get to go swimming! (Kain rushes to the water, puts his foot in, it burns,  
  
pulls his foot out) IT BURNS! AHHH! What to do?  
  
(so Kain made sure he had several Hearts of Darkness's, then he ran across the water,  
  
getting repeatedly burned and hurt and by the time he got to shore, he had used 53  
  
Hearts of Darkness's, and it had probably been the most pain he had had in his life. He  
  
walked up to two Soldiers of Hope in his Disguise as a gigolo)  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: None shall pass.  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: None shall pass.  
  
Kain: Why not!?  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: A gigolo has no business here.  
  
Kain: Are you telling me this costume isn't sophisticated enough?  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: Yes.  
  
Kain: Why do you think that?  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: You show too much.  
  
Kain: (very PO'ed) Are you telling me that I WALKED ACROSS THAT BED OF WATER,  
  
GOT THE HELL BURNED OUT OF ME FOR NOTHING!?!?  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: Yeah.  
  
Kain: You SON OF A BITCH! (then Kain walked back to where he was before he walked  
  
across the lake, still getting burned going back)  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: He was very rude.  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: Yes, he was.  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope he lightens up.  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope we get a raise.  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope I got a pigeon for my birthday.  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope I get a shrubbery for Christmas.  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope I get some at the Christmas party. I hope you know what I  
  
mean.  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope I'll eventually know what you mean.  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope you noticed we hope a lot.  
  
Soldier of Hope 1: I hope you noticed we hope a lot because we are Soldiers of Hope.  
  
Soldier of Hope 2: I hope...oh yeah, I never noticed that!  
  
(so Kain went back on course looking for a cave because everything last thing he  
  
needed was obviously in dangerous caves. Kain finally came to a cave, but Soldier of  
  
Hope 3 stood in his way)  
  
Kain: Get outta my way, you stupid hippy! I request an audience with this cave!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope none shall pass.  
  
Kain: Well, why not!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope we shan't duel!  
  
Kain: I have permission!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope no you don't.  
  
Kain: (slightly confused) Too bad for you, it's not like I don't need whatever's in there.  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope yes you do.  
  
Kain: (getting confused) I hope yes you do? What's that mean? Speak English!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope I am speaking English!  
  
Kain: Well, you're NOT!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope yes I am!  
  
Kain: (very confused) What?! Listen just get out of my way!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope I'm not in your way.  
  
Kain: Well you are!  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope but I'm not. (K ain draws out his Soul Reaver, while the  
  
Soldier talks on, oblivious of Kain anymore) I hope I mean, I'm not in your way. I hope  
  
you're the rude one. I hope-(then Kain slit his throat with the Soul Reaver and there  
  
was much rejoicing)  
  
(Kain then went into the cave and found a room with a human and an ability card)  
  
Kain: What's up with these stupid ability CARDS? It's like some stupid anime. (then Kain  
  
possessed the human, who got Kain the card) (looking at the card) Spirit Rack. With  
  
this spell, I...possess the 'rack' of a spirit? What the hell?  
  
(then Vorador comes rushing in holding a card, snatches Kain's card, and gives Kain  
  
Vorador's card)  
  
Vorador: Soory, wrong Spirit Wrack. I knew something was wrong when I didn't feel  
  
really...I think I'll stop there. Bye. (then Vorador rushes away)  
  
Kain: (holding the Spirit Wrack card, then thinks of what just happened) Oh, I really  
  
don't want to know.  
  
(then Kain got to a ledge with a creature and a switch on the other side)  
  
Kain: Die! (Kain shot an Energy Bolt at the creature, killing it) Hahahha! (then sees the  
  
switch he can't reach) Aw, damn it! Now how am I supposed to get that switch? That's  
  
it, I'm leaving!  
  
(Kain left the room, and then a knife hurler hit him, sending him back in the room. The  
  
creature he had killed had magically reappeared)  
  
Kain: Well I'll be damned. How'd that happen? (then Kain, being the sadist that he is,  
  
killed the creature once more) Aha! I killed you! Now how do I get to the switch? Well,  
  
fine! I guess I won't get to the switch! (then in a whiny voice) But I wanna get to the  
  
switch! Fine, I'll leave!  
  
(so Kain left with his newfound Spirit Wrack that he has no clue whatsoever on how to  
  
use. Kain was once again outside and saw a sign that said Willendorf)  
  
Kain: (looking at the sign, not reading it because he doesn't know how to read) Mighty  
  
Willowdwarf had sliced open the belly of Earth to perform a cesarean section...Ew!  
  
Nasty! That's just gross! Freak-nasty!  
  
(so Kain stumbled around, trying to figure out where to go next...)  
  
Kain: I do that a lot, huh?  
  
(then Kain found another cave)  
  
Kain: Cripe! I'm getting tired of all these caves!  
  
(so Kain entered...)  
  
Kain: No. I'm no goin' in that stupid cave!  
  
(I said Kain entered...)  
  
Kain: No! You'll have to force me!  
  
(Ok. So, I relocated Kain in the cave...)  
  
Kain: Cheater.  
  
(so that Kain could find a way to Willendorf. On the ground was a picture of the Beguile  
  
spell)  
  
Kain: Oh yay, I get to dress up again. At least this time, I'll look like royalty.  
  
(so Kain walked into another part of the cave and he found himself behind a mine cart  
  
that was on tracks and about 15 people, half of them Soldiers of Hope, in front of the  
  
mine cart)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah! (then Kain pushes the mine cart forward, squishing the 15 enemies) I'm  
  
gonna like this place!  
  
(so Kain walks forward and navigates the cave, mowing down enemies with mine carts  
  
and various other things and even picking up a mine carts and smashing people with it  
  
up until he realizes he isn't that strong and has to drop it on himself. Well, he finally got  
  
to a Blood Fountain)  
  
Special Guest Faustus (as Blood Fountain): (Elvis-sounding groans) Hey, baaaaa-aaaby!  
  
Where's my cheeseburger? (Elvis-sounding groans again)  
  
Kain: (surprised) FAUSTUS!? WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE!?  
  
Faustus: Well, I gotta reprise my role as King Ottmar! (Faustus comes out dressed like  
  
Elvis) Stylish, no?  
  
Kain: NO! Let me just drink my blood! (then Kain drinks the blood)  
  
Faustus (as Blood Fountain): (sounding like Elvis) You, baby, have drunken me out, and  
  
now, you are da stylish one with the Beguile spell, ohoohoohoo-oo.  
  
Kain: Good. I'm leaving now. (Kain walks outside the door of the cave to find himself in  
  
a town, then he thinks of something) I have once heard a secret that a tomb contained  
  
a forefather to King Ottmar himself. And these should also be a fountain of blood to  
  
make me look more noble! (then realizes he just done all that stuff) Crap, now I  
  
remember! (then Kain casts his Beguile spell)  
  
(so Kain walks down the street in his Beguile costume)  
  
Guard 1: (seeing Kain's costume) It's royalty! Royalty is here!  
  
Peasant: (seeing Kain's costume then bowing down) I'll shine your boots for you, my  
  
lord!  
  
Guard 2: (seeing Kain's costume) Anything you want my loving lord, you can get!  
  
(Kain stood there, extremely PO'ed and wondering why his Beguile costume gave him a  
  
royal status. The Beguile costume was a Care Bears costume, and he felt stupid  
  
wondering around looking like a care bear with some gay symbol on his costume's  
  
stomach)  
  
Peasant 2: (sees Kain) My lord, can you spare a penny? (Kain pushes her away) I'm  
  
glad to have such a caring lord stop by!  
  
Guard 3: Aw, isn't that lord (pointing to Kain) just the cutest and most angelic thing  
  
you've ever seen?  
  
Peasant 3: Aw, he's so adorable! He's a spitting image of Ottmar's father!  
  
Guard 4: (down on his knees in front of Kain) I'm so glad a lord has visited us,  
  
especially such a cute darling one! Let me shine your boots! (then Kain kicked him) I  
  
know that was a kick of kindness and love. I love you since you care about us all and  
  
you're such a swell guy!  
  
(so Kain wandered further, at the same time feeling incredibly stupid, until he got to the  
  
most horrid thing in all of Nosgoth-the dreaded library!)  
  
Kain: (looking at the books)(with a disgusted and horrified tone) The horrid library of  
  
Willowdwarf. Filled with terrifying monstrous books made by stuck-up old tits who  
  
works that no one could give two damns about except themselves. This place is scary.  
  
(so Kain wandered around his own version of hell, the library, and found a person. Kain  
  
was still dressed as a Care Bear)  
  
Peasant 4: (sees the Care Bear) Hey, you sexy bear. The nights can get cold around  
  
here, and I can help 'stroke your fur' if you know what I mean...  
  
Kain: You sick bastard. You'd have sex with a bear. What've you got to say for yourself?  
  
Peasant 4: Hey, you se-(then Kain killed her and laughed, but for some odd,  
  
unexplainable reason, her voice kept on talking)-xy bear. The nights can get cold  
  
around here, and I can help 'stroke your fur' if you know what I mean...  
  
Kain: (amazed) Whoa. I gotta try this again! (so Kain wandered around the library and  
  
found Peasant 5)  
  
Peasant 5: (to Kain) That fo-(then Kain killed him, and his voice also mysteriously  
  
continued)-ol Ottmar does nothing but sit on his back-side all day while we die! That  
  
bastard!  
  
Kain: Whoa, this is so neat-o!  
  
(then Kain continued wandering around the library till he found a book and picked it up)  
  
Kain: (looks reading level of the book) Hey, the reading level's Pre- Kindergarten! I can  
  
read this! (he opens the book and there are pop-out pictures) Neat-o! Pictures! This  
  
book tells of a small occult from Nosgoth's past. Wherever they traveled, human  
  
possession would follow. (stops reading the book) This is boring.  
  
(Kain putted the book back-)  
  
Kain: There's no such word a putted!  
  
(I say there is! Now shut up! Anyway, Kain continued killing people and listening to  
  
their dead voices till he found a book that he had to get)  
  
Kain: Curious George!  
  
(so Kain grabbed the Curious George book and proceeded to steal the book till he  
  
realized that he was lost in the library)  
  
Kain: Oh, where are we? (starts reading his book) I love that monkey!  
  
(Kain just sort of strolled while reading the book, strolled out of the library and strolled  
  
all the way to King Ottmar's castle. And all this time Kain was reading the book and  
  
Kain thought he was just walking in circles, so in other words, he was unconsciously  
  
walking)  
  
Kain: (reading the book out loud) ...and Curious George ate the ice cream. The end.  
  
(closing the book) God, that was good! (looks and sees he's outside of Ottmar's castle)  
  
Um...where the hell am I?  
  
(the doors open before him, but before he could go in, Soldiers of Hope 4- 15 stepped in  
  
front of here)  
  
Soldier of Hope 4: I hope yin-yang.  
  
Soldier of Hope 12: (to the aforementioned) I hope I hope yin-yang? I hope what's that  
  
mean?  
  
Kain: Arghh!!! Not these people again! (got out a phone) Hello, heaven hot- line?  
  
Zeus: (on the other end of the phone) Yes?  
  
Kain: Okay, I want no BS this time! Just kill them!  
  
Soldier of Hope 7: (to Soldier of Hope 14) I hope cut your own head off!  
  
Soldier of Hope 6: I hope you're glad you don't have to sleep next to him!  
  
Soldier of Hope 14: I hope what do you mean?  
  
Soldier of Hope 6: (to Soldier of Hope 14) I hope you snore.  
  
Kain: (to Zeus) Listen, I don't care about your personal life!  
  
Zeus: (to Kain) Hercules was such a fine lad and now he's run off! I miss him so!  
  
Boohoohoo! I MISS MY SON!  
  
Kain: THAT'S IT!  
  
(Kain crushed the phone and Imploded Soldiers of Hope 4-15. Kain then went into the  
  
castle and looked around)  
  
Kain: The castle of King Ottmar; sunglasses of my former existence. Proud and also  
  
ego-maniac, surrounded by all the finery in the world and all the women wore highly  
  
visible thongs. They were secure in their stupidity. As I walked along them, I smirked,  
  
thinking of the...(then notices he isn't walking. He tries to walk, but can't) Aw, crap!  
  
My feet have fallen asleep. Could someone carry me?  
  
Soldier of Hope 16: I hope okay.  
  
(the Soldier of Hope 16 carried Kain to a doorway where a jester stopped him)  
  
Zephon (as jester): (sounding like a high Japanese school-girl) The king sees no one.  
  
He's weeping like a little titty-baby right now!  
  
Kain: Out of the way, peasant! The stench of the fields hangs over you like a pall!  
  
...what the hell's a pall? Anyway, he'll be crying like a little wussy for his kingsom  
  
soon! And he'll be mourning for you sooner! (Kain, of course, not looking very  
  
frightening since he's being carried like a baby. Picture it in your mind. Then Kain  
  
immolated jester and the Soldier of Hope 16 just plopped Kain on the ground and left)  
  
Faustus (as King Ottmar): (and dressed up like J-Lo because he thought it was stylish)  
  
A birthday present. To celebrate her sweet 21, I declared a contest. Whoever created  
  
the finest...spoon in the realm would be granted a royal favor. Hundreds of spoons  
  
were brought, but the winner was obvious. Elzevir the Spoon-Bender bent a spoon of  
  
such beauty that all were captivated by it. And all he would take in payment was a lock  
  
of her hair. Soon after she became a lifeless puppet-  
  
Kain: (interrupting) (sarcastically) Well, let's see! He for some reason wanted a lock of  
  
her hair!? Why would anyone want a lock of hair if they weren't gonna do voodoo or  
  
something!? You're so stupid you deserve what happened!  
  
Fautus (as King Ottmar): Whoever restores her to her former self shall receive this  
  
kingdom!  
  
Kain: Hot damn! I've gotta find this spoon-bender!  
  
(then Kain walked away and Faustus looked up)  
  
Fautus: Oowee, I look sharp! Next I need to dress up as Cher, then Evil Kenevel!  
  
(Kain then reached a tunnel what would take him to the suspected area. Inside of the  
  
tunnel, Kain encountered Soldiers of Hope 17-24)  
  
Kain: Good day to you.  
  
Soldier of Hope 23: I hope die!  
  
Kain: Wait a minute, I'm on your side! I'm trying to help the king!  
  
Soldier of Hope 17: I hope oh, okay.  
  
Soldier of Hope 20: I hope die anyway!  
  
Kain: You SOB.  
  
(so Kain was forced to kill them all. When he emerged from the tunnel, he was in front  
  
of a castle-thingy. Kain went forward, killing things...and stuff. Afterwards, he  
  
emerged outside of a town with a sign saying 'Stahlberg')  
  
Kain: (looking at the sign) Ah Stalemate, one of the most academic places in all of  
  
Nosgoth. I won't weep over tombs, but...(Kain then saw a tomb of one of his  
  
friends) (then in a manly tone) Nope, I won't weep. Only little babies weep. (then in a  
  
childish tone) I can't weep. It will...show...I'm...weak. (then Kain cried over  
  
the tomb) Damn it, I'm such a woman right now! (then Kain cried even harder because  
  
his tears burnt him) (then in his normal voice) Oh well, he was an ass anyway.  
  
(then Kain wandered into the town full of dead people and monsters)  
  
Kain: Ah, I little bit of paradise...  
  
(so Kain wandered about, killing everything and drinking blood and left this place and  
  
came upon a castle with a giant statue of Umah with a Soul Reaver in front of the  
  
castle)  
  
Kain: (looking at the statue with an evil grin) Ah, King William the Just. I can't wait!  
  
(since Kain couldn't get into the castle, he just went left and found a gate with a spoon  
  
outside the gate)  
  
Kain: What the hell is a spoon doing here? (then the spoon hopped up and hit Kain on  
  
the forehead, hurting him badly) Ow! What the-  
  
(then Kain picked up the spoon and broke it in half and then he kicked down the gate  
  
to see 5 more spoons lying on the ground)  
  
Kain: (confused) Why?  
  
(then the spoons led a pincer attack against Kain and the spoons knocked him out. Kain  
  
awoke inside a building tied to a stake with spoons and forks starting to roast him)  
  
Kain: This has gotten very weird...  
  
(then Uri, as 'Elzevir' walked in looking then some deformed clown)  
  
Kain: (yelling at Elzevir while tied to a stake) Hey you disgruntled freak of nature, I  
  
have come for the soul!  
  
Uri (as Elzevir): So, Ottmar sent you to kill me, huh? I can smell him on you-I can tell  
  
it's his smell cause you smell like eggnog and he loves that stuff.  
  
Kain: (still tied to the stake) No, you see, all dead people smell like eggnog.  
  
Uri (as Elzevir): Oh, anyway, this soul is mine! It's my precioussssssssss. Ottmar gave it  
  
to me!  
  
Kain: He only gave it to you because he's a retarded monkey. Oh, and you shall earn  
  
that soul with your blood! (then Kain used all his strength to try to rip the ropes  
  
keeping him on the stake, but he couldn't) Man, I need to get stronger, this is  
  
becoming really pathetic.  
  
Uri: Whatever happens, happens.  
  
Kain: What's that mean?  
  
(so Uri got a head start by drop-kicking Kain. Then Uri bitch-slapped Kain. Then he  
  
thought about hitting Kain in the bladder, but thought better than to do that)  
  
Kain: At least get me off of this stake!!!  
  
(then Uri untied Kain and Kain immediately defeated him thanks to the Soul Reaver)  
  
Kain: (thinking about the magical spoons and forks) Christ, what is this, Fantasia?  
  
(then Kain found a bent spoon)  
  
Kain: Elzevir was an odd little prick.  
  
(Kain took the bent spoon and flew back to Ottmar)  
  
Kain: (now standing before Faustus as 'Ottmar') I returned with the spoon and Elzevir's  
  
head, which was now turning green. Ottmar's eyes lit up, but that's probably because  
  
he was on fire.  
  
Faustus: IT FEELS GOOD!  
  
Kain: It's 'It Burns' you retard!  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): Wow, Willendorf is yours if you want it.  
  
Kain: Why would I want this piece of trash!? All I want is your army!  
  
Fautus (as Ottmar): Very fell. Unics, fetch my mace...(someone gave him a can of  
  
mace)-my pepper spray...(someone gave him pepper spray)-and an animal footprint  
  
chart! (someone gave him that too)  
  
Kain: What about armor and a sword, you idiot!  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): We needn't such pedestrian items. There's war to be wagered!  
  
Kain: Oh my lord, help us all. Cut! (then the filming stopped)  
  
___________________________________________  
  
Kain: Well, that was fun, but if Uri hits me one more time! (oh yeah, the scene is Kain's  
  
throne room)  
  
Rahab: Calm down, brother Kain.  
  
Kain: That's enough! (Kain ripped off Rahab's beard)  
  
Rahab: Ahh!!! (furious) THAT'S IT KAIN! YOU HAVE UPSET THE HEAVEN'S! I'M GONNA  
  
GET MEDIEVIL ON YOUR HINEY! GYAHHHHHH! (Rahab beat Kain over and over with  
  
his book) DON'T UPSET THE HEAVEN'S AGAIN, OR YOU SHALL BE A SACRAFICE!  
  
Kain: (bruised) Okay, I won't be doing that again.  
  
(then Uri walked up)  
  
Uri: Hey, how about we call a truce? We could even go hunting aliens together!  
  
Kain: No truce, fruitcake!  
  
(then Uri picked up Kain and threw hit across the room, slamming him into a column)  
  
Kain: When will I ever learn?  
  
  
  
Bloopers  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Stupid, isn't it Kain? That one cannot quite accept the thing that  
  
sustains him.  
  
Kain: (confused, then looking at the crow legs sticking out of his mouth) What, cr-(then  
  
Kain started choking on the crow)-hack, this isn't fun! (then Kain passed out and  
  
Melchiah came walking by)  
  
Melchiah: Wow, crow! I love crow!  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Take 4  
  
Kain: (while eating a crow) What's sustain mean? (then Kain spat out the crow he was  
  
eating) Yuck, that crow tasted like tin foil! (then Kain thinks of something) Wait, I love  
  
tin foil!  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Take 8  
  
Dumah: You're right. Who am I anyway? I shall caste aside this role as Mortanius and  
  
find out who I really am! (then Dumah walked off the set to think)  
  
Kain: (irritated) Aw, damn it Dumah!  
  
Raziel: Aw don't worry Kain. As soon as Dumah sees himself in a mirror, he'll remember  
  
he's a nobody.  
  
Kain: Yeah, thanks.  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Take 13  
  
Soldier of Hope 3: I hope but I'm not. (K ain draws out his Soul Reaver, while the  
  
Soldier talks on, oblivious of Kain anymore) I hope I mean, I'm not in your way. I hope  
  
you're the rude one. I hope-(then Kain slit his throat with the Soul Reaver and there  
  
was much rejoicing)-I'm not dead. I hope you haven't just killed me. I hope have you  
  
got a toothpick?  
  
Kain: SHUT UP!!!!!!  
  
-------------------------------  
  
Take 19  
  
(Kain then went into the cave and found a room with a human and an ability card)  
  
Kain: What's up with these stupid ability CARDS? It's like some stupid anime. (then Kain  
  
possessed the human, who got Kain the card) (looking at the card) Spirit Wrack.  
  
(then a woman walked up to him and he boobs were glowing)  
  
Kain: (not really sure what to think) Are you radioactive?  
  
(then he boobs stopped glowing)  
  
Vorador: (in the distance) I love Spirit Rack!  
  
Kain: (to Vorador) You sick bastard!  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Take 24  
  
Kain: Oh yay, I get to dress up again. At least this time, I'll look like royalty.  
  
(so Kain walked into another part of the cave and he found himself behind a mine cart  
  
that was on tracks and about 15 people, half of them Soldiers of Hope, in front of the  
  
mine cart)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah! (then Kain goes to push the cart, but the Soldiers of Hope get there first  
  
and pushed the cart into him) Ow, didn't think that one through.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Take 28  
  
Kain: (looks reading level of the book) Hey, the reading level's Pre- Kindergarten! I can  
  
read this! (he opens the book and there are pop-out pictures) Neat-o! Pictures! This  
  
book tells of a small occult from Nosgoth's past. Wherever they traveled, human  
  
possession would follow. Yeah right!  
  
(then Marcus and a possessed human walk up to Kain and the possessed human kicked  
  
Kain in the shin then Marcus ran off)  
  
Marcus: Can't catch me!  
  
Kain: (sighs)  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Take 29  
  
(Kain has laid out earthquake pills cleverly disguised as food. Marcus rushes up)  
  
Marcus: Meep meep! (then Marcus eats half of the food and runs off) Meep meep!  
  
Kain: ? (then Kain swallows some pills. Kain looks on the back of the bottle and a label  
  
says 'will not work on Marcuses', but of course Kain didn't know that since he didn't  
  
know how to read) I've swallowed bad pills.  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
Turel: See you, dead vampires!  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update! Stupid school! Anyway, I promise to try and make updates more frequent. Hope you liked this chapter, don't forget to review! 


	13. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Just to let you know, I don't own LoK or its characters  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is the pillars and everyone is waiting for Dumah and Kain to arrive  
  
  
  
so they can start filming  
  
(Zephon is starring at a spoon and thinking hard)  
  
Zephon: Damn it, I can't do it.  
  
Turel: Here, let me try. (then Turel bent the spoon using telekinesis)  
  
Zephon: How come everyone but me can do it!?  
  
Rahab: Don't worry, my son. Eventually, thou shall be blesset.  
  
Melchiah: Blesset?  
  
Raziel: (to Rahab) I hate to say this Rahab, but the way you talk is beginning to get on  
  
my nerves. You sound like a retarded Greekman.  
  
Rahab: (tapping his beard back) A Greek folk?  
  
Raziel: (in a mocking tone) 'a Greek folk'? (back to his normal voice) You're talking the  
  
language called "Total Crap".  
  
Rahab: It's 'cripe'.  
  
Raziel: No, it's 'crap'! You need to learn to speak normal!  
  
Rahab: I spek normal. You folk speakith wrong.  
  
Raziel: "SPEAKITH"? "SPEK"? WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?  
  
Rahab: You definitely have some of brother Kain in you.  
  
Turel: Ouch, that one's gotta hurt.  
  
Raziel: Immolate! (then realizes he can't Immolate people) Aw, damn it! Now I'm  
  
beginning to sound like him!  
  
Rahab: You needn'th worry, brother Raziel.  
  
Raziel: WHAT THE HELL IS "NEEDN'TH"?  
  
Melchiah: Everyone calm down! (everyone looks at him) I know what's going on! We've  
  
been forced to hang around each other for far too long and everyone's getting edgy  
  
and tense!  
  
Zephon: I'M NOT GETTING TENSE!  
  
Raziel: YES YOU ARE! IMMOLATE! (then realizes he said it again) DAMN IT!  
  
Melchiah: GUYS, CALM DOWN!  
  
Rahab: Yesith. Listenith toth brotherith Melchiahth.  
  
Raziel: ENOUGH WITH THE "-ITH" WORDS!  
  
Rahab: I don't knowith what youith means.  
  
Raziel: (to Turel) Hold me back!  
  
Turel: Why can't we all get along?  
  
Raziel and Zephon: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Zephon: Where's Dumah and Kain anyway?  
  
Raziel: Well, dumbass, I don't know.  
  
Zephon: Don't call me that!  
  
Raziel: WELL DON'T BE THAT!  
  
Zephon: WELL DON'T BE RUDE!  
  
Rahab: EVERYONEITH!  
  
Raziel: (to Rahab) I'LL KILL YOU REHAB!  
  
Melchiah: EVERYONE SHUT UP AND CALM DOWN!  
  
Zephon: Nice weather today, huh?  
  
Turel: But it's raining...  
  
Zephon: Let's change the subject. When is Faustus gonna get here?  
  
Raziel: I HATE THAT STUPID ASS!  
  
Zephon: Okay. Who's gonna play William the Just?  
  
Raziel: Me.  
  
Turel: Me!  
  
Raziel: I'M GONNA PLAY FREAKIN' WILLAIM!  
  
Turel: NO, I'M A BETTER SINGER!  
  
Raziel: I'M A BETTER PERSON!  
  
Zephon: I CAN PLAY A DAMN GOOD GAME OF CHESS!  
  
Raziel: (to Zephon) BUT I'M WILLIAM!  
  
Zephon: WILLIAM PLAYED CHESS AND I'M A DAMN GOOD CHESS PLAYER!  
  
Raziel: WILLIAM DIDN'T PLAY CHESS!  
  
Turel: WHO CARES!  
  
Melchiah: GUYS, CALM DOWN AGAIN!  
  
Rahab: Yes, listen to brother Melchiah and let's wait here for brother Kain.  
  
Raziel: Kain isn't my brother.  
  
Rahab: He is spiritually. (winks one of his eyes at Raziel)  
  
Raziel: (twitching his eyes in anger)  
  
Turel: (to Raziel) Do you wear contacts?  
  
Raziel: (about ready to burst with anger) What?  
  
Turel: Do you wear contacts? I just now noticed that one of your eyes is white and the  
  
other is yellow.  
  
Raziel: My right eye sees the past.  
  
Turel: Really!?  
  
Raziel: No, not really.  
  
Turel: Oh.  
  
Raziel: (just has to scream with anger) YAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rahab: Let your anger flow like a leaf in a stream.  
  
Raziel: (to Rahab) I WILL EAT THAT BEARD FOR BREAKFAST!  
  
Zephon: I really wish I could bend this spoon.  
  
Raziel: (to Zephon) I'LL SHOVE THAT SPOON SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!  
  
Rahab: It's 'posterior' brother Raziel.  
  
Raziel: (to Rahab) I'LL SHOVE YOUR 'POSTERIOR' SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!  
  
Turel: Isn't that redundant?  
  
(just then, Faustus came in from out of the rain)  
  
Faustus: I'm here. (everyone just stared at him) What?  
  
(I personally think everyone's starring at you because you're dressed like Ru Paul)  
  
Faustus: What's wrong with that? It's stylish!  
  
Raziel: YOU LOOK LIKE A FRICKIN' TRANSVESTITE!  
  
Faustus: What? No I don't, you're just jealous.  
  
Raziel: NO I'M NOT!  
  
Zephon: I'M HUNGRY!  
  
Turel: YOU'RE TENSE!  
  
Raziel: DAMN RIGHT!  
  
Melchiah: DOES EVERYBODY HERE EXCEPT ME AND RAHAB NEED TRANQUILIZERS?!  
  
Faustus: Whoa, what going on?  
  
Rahab: Ev'one's tense.  
  
Raziel: WHAT'S "EV'ONE'S" MEAN!? SPEAK ENGLISH OR I'LL STRANGLE YOU!  
  
Zephon: I HAVE A CONFESSION!  
  
Turel: (to Zephon) YOU NASTY SOB!  
  
Melchiah: QUIET! (Melchiah gave Turel a tranquilizer)  
  
Turel: (calm, smooth voice) I feel much better.  
  
Raziel: GIVE ME ONE! (then Raziel took the tranquilizer and bit into it) CRUNCHY!  
  
Zephon: I WANNA BE WILLIAM!  
  
Raziel: DIE!  
  
Faustus: (to Rahab) How long has this been going on?  
  
Rahab: Ever since thine morning, brother Faustus.  
  
Faustus: Geez. Guess I shouldn't tell him the bad news.  
  
Rahab: The bad news, brother Faustus?  
  
Faustus: HEY, EVERYONE! MOEBIUS HIMSELF IS STOPPING BY TO CHECK THE  
  
PROGRESS!  
  
Zephon: WELL I HAD A WET DRE-(hearing the news)-wha?  
  
Raziel: ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SOME FUN, I GOT A FEELING I'M NOT THE ONLY  
  
ONE, ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SOME FU-(hearing the news)-what!?  
  
Turel: (very calm) Man, I'm so glad I took the tranquilizers or I'd be so PO'ed right now.  
  
Raziel: WHY'S THAT FLIPPING RETARDED MONKEY'S TURD COMING HERE!? DOESN'T  
  
HE TRUST US!? NOW I THINK I'M BEGINNING TO FOAM AT THE MOUTH! AHHH!!!  
  
Melchiah: (giving Raziel 5 doses of tranquilizer) If this doesn't calm you down then  
  
you're already off the deep end.  
  
Zephon: (sees the tranquilizer) OH, GIMME GIMME GIMME!  
  
Melchiah: (tranquilizes Zephon) There you go.  
  
Zephon: Oh, that feels so good. I gotta tranquilize myself more often.  
  
(then Moebius himself entered)  
  
Moebius: What a depressing little hole of filth.  
  
Raziel: (to Melchiah) Is there any way to reverse this tranquilizer, because I'd like to  
  
berserk on him now.  
  
Moebius: How's everyone? Why the long faces?  
  
Turel: Because we hate you.  
  
Moebius: Oh, why hate an innocent old man like me?  
  
Raziel: You used me!  
  
(Vorador popped in and sniggered)  
  
Vorador: Hahahaha, he 'used' you? That's worse than beheading!  
  
Raziel: I hate Vorador too.  
  
Moebius: I think I'll be leaving now. If the state of this place is anything like what your  
  
movie will look like, then it'll be total crap.  
  
(then Moebius tried to leave, but Kain stood in the doorway, hearing everything)  
  
Kain: Strange words from someone like you.  
  
Moebius: (pathetic voice) But I didn't say a thing.  
  
Kain: Shut up! How's your carbuncle doing, Moebius?  
  
Moebius: (embarrassed) My carbuncle hurts, actually. (then Moebius ran away crying)  
  
Kain: That was fun. Everyone, I present to you, William the Just!  
  
(then Umah walked in with her very own Soul Reaver)  
  
Umah: Hello. (sees Zephon) You! Hi.  
  
Zephon: (whimpering)  
  
Kain: (fake pain) Oh ow, I think I broke my leg. Guess I can't be Kain. I think I'll let  
  
Zephon be my replacement. (realizing that Zephon will probably die against Umah)  
  
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Umah: This will be fun!  
  
Zephon: (very scarred) Please don't kill me Umah. Fine, I'll be a most respectable Kain!  
  
Kain: (evil grin) Let's start filming!  
  
The scene is in fact the very place where The Battle of the Last Stand took  
  
  
  
place and there were still dead bodies all over  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): (dressed as Ru Paul) The scourge of Nosgoth is upon us! Today  
  
we shall celebrate our independence, our own free will! Our lives as one for all and all  
  
for one! (then he stands in a patriotic stance, not looking so patriotic dressed as Ru  
  
Paul) Today we shall live! We shall prosper! (the army of the Nemesis marches toward  
  
him) We shall celebrate our freedom! Our will!  
  
Zephon (as Kain): Yeah! (then as himself) Christ, will this boring speech ever end!?  
  
(the armies of the Nemesis are a few feet away)  
  
Fautus (as Ottmar): ...as my witness, our stream of fate has met us on this glorious  
  
battle that we can't lose! (the army of the Nemesis are about 3 feet away) With an  
  
army such as mine, no man can falter! We shall not be torn apart! Not by slavery, but if  
  
anything, then by freedom!  
  
Zephon (as Kain): God, WILL THIS SPEECH NEVER END!?  
  
(the army of the Nemesis are inches from Faustus' face)  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): ...move ye shall not, for I am plague! I am noble! I am justice!  
  
(then one of the Nemesis army people raises a sword) For I shan't falter in this battle o'  
  
mine! (then the Nemesis soldiers bashes Faustus on the head. Faustus stumbles a little,  
  
then continues) For the dark times have cometh!  
  
(the Soldiers of Hope can't move till the speech is done, so while Faustus is delivering  
  
his stupidly long speech, the Nemesis army are killing everyone)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (to Faustus) GET ON WITH THE DAMN SPEECH! (then as Zephon)  
  
I've lost my patience! (Zephon snatches the speech from Faustus) Blah blah blah blah,  
  
let's kill all the vile bastards! Hoorah!  
  
(then everyone got to battling everyone else, though half of the Soldiers of Hope were  
  
dead because of the stupidly long speech, and Zephon didn't help out much. Zephon,  
  
being 'not-the-smartest-vamp-in-the-world' didn't know which side was which and  
  
ended up killing about 59 Soldiers of Hope till he realized he was killing the wrong  
  
people)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (seeing a dead person) Feeding time! (as Zephon extremely sloppily  
  
drunk the blood, everyone figured our Zephon was the sloppiest vamp ever. He drank  
  
the blood from a human like a dog drinks out of a water bowl, only Zephon was much  
  
sloppier) Yummy! Thanks for dying!  
  
(so Zephon killed everyone he saw and happily drank their blood up until he killed  
  
someone he shouldn't have and didn't noticed it till he drunked drinking the person's  
  
blood)  
  
Zephon: Uh-oh.  
  
Kain (from off-screen): You retard Zephon, you weren't supposed to be the one to kill  
  
him!  
  
Zephon: Oh well. (Zephon started to drink the blood of Ottmar till Ottmar stopped him)  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): The Nemesis and his horde has fallen upon us, my friend. I can't  
  
defend Nosgoth any more. The Nemesis must be killed or else. Do it for my daughter.  
  
Zephon (as Kain): Oh her...anything else you want me to do for her, if you know  
  
what I mean? (then Ottmar lost all of his blood)  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): (very weakly) Now the light she fades  
  
And darkness settles in  
  
We shall all find hope  
  
We all shall find pride within  
  
Though all though I die our freedom shall be won  
  
Though I die, the Soldiers of Hope shall live on.  
  
Zephon: (crying) That was beautiful.  
  
Faustus: You think so?  
  
Zephon: Yeah. It was awesome.  
  
Faustus: Why thank you.  
  
Zephon: That's brung tears to my eyes. (then the tears burn) OW!  
  
Faustus: Thanks. I'm thinking of singing that on Broadway.  
  
Zephon: Good idea.  
  
Kain (off-screen): (very angry) GET THE FU*@ ON WITH IT!  
  
Turel (off-screen): Calm down Kain, it makes things more Shakespeare like. You know,  
  
with the characters that take hours to die?  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): (now improvising) Here's my will. (pulls out a ten page report,  
  
while everyone all around him's dying)  
  
Zephon: (looks at the will) Everything here is for your sexy daughter. Why didn't you  
  
just say "I leave everything to my daughter"?  
  
Faustus (as Ottmar): (still improvising) Because it's more poetic this way. The last four  
  
pages are legal contract stuff. Make sure she gets this will. (then he dies)  
  
Zephon: (tears up the will)  
  
(everyone sees Ottmar dead and all of the Soldiers of Hope flee, leaving just Zephon to  
  
take on 100,000 troops)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (extremely scared) Oh crap.  
  
(all 100,000 Nemesis soldiers are charging straight at the helpless Zephon, and when all  
  
100,000 soldiers get within an inch of him and are about to cut him up, the Time  
  
Streaming Device kicked in and he was in the past)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (in a macho voice) Aw, I could've taken all 100,000 men without a  
  
scratch! (then a men-in-arms came up to Zephon and hit him, causing a scratch) (as  
  
Zephon) Well, my pride sure needs mouth-to-mouth.  
  
(Zephon then kills the person, then notices something)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): Hey, the battlefield's gone. Hoorah! This ground was once full of  
  
dead people and blood and carnage, but now it's lush greenery. I miss the present.  
  
Where the adrenaline pump of chaos was, there's only this lame silence now. And now  
  
I'm stranded here because I just accidentally stepped on the Time Streaming Device  
  
and broke it.  
  
(Zephon looks at the dead person and decides to read his mind. Here is what he sees:)  
  
The scene is a stairway, and Moebius up on it and people down below it.  
  
There were guards to both sides of Moebius  
  
Moebius: Would you stand idle as vermin destroyed your crop?  
  
Crowd: Yes!  
  
Moebius: (sighs) Why?  
  
Dean Earwicker (a random person from the crowd): Because I like bugs!  
  
Moebius: (sighs heavily) Fine. What about as your house burned?  
  
Half the crowd: No!  
  
Other half of crowd: Yes!  
  
Moebius: WHY!?  
  
Dean Earwicker: I like toasting marshmallows.  
  
Moebius: Will you allow this evil to continue? And if Dean Earwicker says anything, he's  
  
dead!  
  
Crowd (minus Earwicker): No!  
  
Moebius: Will the wickedness end?  
  
Crowd: Yes! Yes!  
  
Moebius: Do you believe?  
  
Crowd: No!  
  
Moebius: (muttering) Pain in my carbuncle. (Moebius uses his staff to kill the guard to  
  
his left and right) Now do you believe?  
  
Crowd: No!  
  
Moebius: (sghs) (then he uses his staff to kill a random crowd person) Do you believe  
  
now?  
  
Crowd: (seeing dead person) We've changed our minds and yes!  
  
Dean Earwicker: Very small rocks!  
  
Moebius: (extremely agitated) What!?  
  
Dean Earwicker: I was just thinking about how to tell if a person's a vampire! Very  
  
small rocks float in water!  
  
Moebius: It's ducks you retard!  
  
Dean Earwicker: So if a vamp weighs the same as a duck, he's made of very small  
  
rocks!  
  
Moebius: HE' MADE OF WOOD, IDIOT! (then Moebius looses his patience and kills Dean  
  
Earwicker) (to the crowd) Then take me to your king, so I can prepare you for the  
  
onslaught!  
  
(then Moebius leaves through a door and so does the crowd. And hidden in a very dark  
  
corner is a tied up Raziel)  
  
Raziel: (the ropes also over Raziel's mouth) Mmm, mmmm, mm! (then Raziel gets the  
  
idea to shift to the Spectral Realm and he wasn't tied up anymore) (sigh) My only actual  
  
role in this whole stupid movie AND THAT CONSTIPATED DONKEY BUTT STEALS THE  
  
ROLE! AHH!!! (shoots himself with a tranquilizer) Now I can shift back to Material  
  
Realm. At least I won't be tied up anymore! (the Planar Portal is right were Raz was  
  
when he shifted, so he shifted back to the Material Realm and was in the exact same  
  
spot-in other words, still tied up) (very heavy sigh)  
  
(then Zephon stops looking into the guys mind and sees that the same door that  
  
Moebius went through has now opened up)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): Good, this place is boring. (and Zephon walked in, walking right past  
  
the still tied up Raziel, oh and Raziel was not supposed to be tied up-that wasn't in the  
  
script)  
  
Raziel: (sigh) ...  
  
(Zephon walked forward and got to Stahlberg, but everyone one was alive and it was  
  
snowing! Zephon looked on in amazement)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (with Turel playing back-up music) (Zephon looks around and sees  
  
lot of colors and people) What's this? What's this?  
  
There's color everywhere  
  
What's this?  
  
There are white things in the air  
  
What's this?  
  
I can't believe my eyes  
  
I must be dreaming  
  
Wake up, Kain, this isn't fair  
  
What's this?  
  
(sees some peasants throwing snowballs at each other) There are peasants throwing snowballs here  
  
Instead of Melchiah's head  
  
They're busy building houses  
  
Why the hell aren't these people dead?  
  
WHAT IS THIS!? (then Turel stops playing the music and Zephon has now stopped  
  
singing)  
  
(Zephon starts wondering around and finds a peasent)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (talking to a very cheerful peasant) What are you cheerful about?  
  
Cheerful Peasant: Our glorious King William the Just! His kindness is so extraordinary,  
  
that nothing could bring down my good mood!  
  
(then Zephon kills him and leaves for William's castle. Zephon gets outside of the castle  
  
and sees an unfinished statue of Umah with a Soul Reaver)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (looking at the castle and afraid to fight Umah) The stronghold of  
  
William the Just. Time to pay a visit to the Nemesis, who would bring Nosgoth to its  
  
knees and send an army after me...I still say I could've taken them all on!  
  
(then Zephon entered the Stronghold, trying to find Umah, who was 'William the Just',  
  
but instead all he found was the soldiers of the Nemesis. Zephon went around killing  
  
anything that moved, like always, then he saw a mirror. The reflection of his hand  
  
moved, so he hit his hand. Then he was in pain. After feeling totally stupid, he  
  
wondered around the castle and found a room with sand on the bottom)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): Sand won't stop me! (then he put his foot in the sand and it burned)  
  
IT BURNS! Stupid hot sand! Just like the beach!  
  
(then Zephon turned to mist form and walked on the sand. Halfway through, he found  
  
some people chained up)  
  
Zephon: Food! (then Zephon tried to drink their blood, but since he was in mist form,  
  
the blood went right through him) No!!! This is cruel! (Zephon wasn't gonna un-mist  
  
cause the sand would kill him. So Zephon had to just move on, taunted by the many  
  
chained up people. Zephon eventually got to another part of the castle and went  
  
through a door. On the floor below him was Umah and Moebius)  
  
Umah (as William the Just): (in a proud, noble voice in a heroic stance) These weapons  
  
you have given mine own will provided that. By the way, Moebius, what the hell are you  
  
kissing up to me for?  
  
Moebius: None, me lord. I only wish to aid you in killing those smelly little bastards. I  
  
call them that cause they don't have fathers, so I'm using that word in its poetic sense,  
  
not the cursing sense. The weapons are a token of my good will.  
  
Umah (as William): Why would a person of good will have weapons? And the news you  
  
bring? About a vampire sent to slay me? Where did you come upon such knowledge?  
  
(then she assumes a more threatening pose, sticking her chest out and showing her  
  
muscles)  
  
Zephon: Christ, now I can't even see her head, they're so big! (then he sees that she  
  
heard him) (very scared) I probably shouldn't have said that...  
  
Moebius: I was just cruisin' along town one day when I accidentally on purpose hit  
  
someone and they told me a vampire would try and kill you. And now I'm only  
  
concerned about your life.  
  
Umah (as William): Perhaps...perhaps...perhaps...oh what the hell, I may as  
  
well believe you, what've I got to lose? Now, get your old retarded self away from me.  
  
But should I wish to contact you...  
  
Moebius: Don't worry, I'll know...  
  
Umah (as William): Don't trip...(then as Moebius turned around, she tripped him.  
  
And still nobody noyiced that this wasn't Raziel in disguise, and Moebius fell)  
  
Moebius: OW!!!!!!! YOU MADE ME LAND STRAIGHT ON MY CARBUNCLE!!!!! IT HURTS!!  
  
(then Zephon left to explore the rest of the castle. He knew where he was going  
  
because arrows were painted on the wall saying 'To King William' in the direction of  
  
where King William was. It was then that Zephon started to think that this was a trap.  
  
Zephon finally got to the hallway leading to William, but axes were swinging out of the  
  
walls)  
  
Zephon: (irritated sigh) This is so unrealistic. Why would William have axes swinging  
  
out of walls. No one's that damn agile to be able to make it past these axes all the  
  
time! William would've been dead by now!  
  
Kain: (off-screen) But that's what really happened!  
  
Zephon: (not believing him) Yeah, right, sure.  
  
Kain: (off-screen) But it did!  
  
(Zephon then thought of a rather clever way to avoid the swinging axes. He crawled  
  
onto the ceiling to avoid them. He then dropped to the ground and braced himself as  
  
he opened the door to fight Umah, Reaver to Reaver. Zephon entered the room. Umah  
  
was there waiting for him)  
  
Umah (as William): (with a truly vicious grin) Ahh, yes. The vampire. Moebius told me  
  
you would come!  
  
(then Umah swung her Reaver at Zephon's head, but Zephon blocked it. Then she tried  
  
a 10-hit combo, but Zephon struggled but blocked each shot. Zephon swung at her  
  
waist, Umah blocked, and knocked Zephon upside the head. Zephon retaliated by going  
  
for her head, but her chest got in the way, and he hit her chest instead)  
  
Zephon: (seeing what he did) (terrified) I'm so gonna die!  
  
Umah: DIE!!!  
  
(Umah swung low, Zephon blocked, went for her legs, she blocked and hit his arm. He  
  
stumbled and hid behind a chair. She swung the Reaver at his head, but he used the  
  
chair as a shield. The Reaver got stuck in the chair, Zephon twisted and threw the  
  
chair, and Umah's Reaver with it. Just then Umah pointed out that Zephon's shoes were  
  
untied and when Zephon looked down, he discovered she was lying. She now had  
  
Zephon's Reaver and Zephon was helpless)  
  
Umah: DIE!!! (she swung the Reaver onto Zephon's head and the Reaver broke) Wha?  
  
Zephon: HAHA! I'M SO GLAD I HAVE A HARD HEAD! MY HEAD'S SO HARD IT BROKE  
  
YOUR REAVER, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (then Zephon got her Reaver and defeated  
  
the still in shock Umah)  
  
(with Umah defeated, several troops rushed at him, but he killed them all and found a  
  
Time Streaming Device)  
  
Zephon (as Kain): (holding the Time Streaming Device) Well, I'll be damned. What're  
  
the odds of that? (then Zephon used it and the stage crew, which consisted of Rahab,  
  
pulled the past background from behind Zephon and put the present background in its  
  
place. Then the filming stopped)  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
The setting is still the Pillars  
  
  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) Well, I thought you would've died Zephon.  
  
Zephon: Yeah, that's my loving daddy. Why'd you sick Umah on me!?  
  
Kain: Oh, that was fun, wasn't it?  
  
Zephon: Listen Kain, you've gotta get us away from each other or we'll kill each other!  
  
Kain: Ah, the old 'hang around with you too long and I'll kill you' thing.  
  
Zephon: Exactly.  
  
Kain: Good. Cause y'all are all in quarantine.  
  
(that got everyone's attention)  
  
Turel: WHAT!? QUARANTINE! WHY!?  
  
Rahab: It canith be pardoned.  
  
Kain: Hey, where's the ingrate?  
  
(then Moebius comes back, dragging a tied up Raziel)  
  
Moebius: Ahahahahahahaha!  
  
Vorador: (who has been since the beginning, watching) Moebius, you stupid old haggy  
  
wart, what're you doing here!?  
  
Moebius: Taking your dear Razzyboy hostage! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Raziel: (very muffled cause of rope) Don't call me Razzyboy!  
  
Moebius: So, if you want to see him not dead, I'd suggest you give into my demands!  
  
Kain: How can an old he-dike like you ever kill Raziel?  
  
Moebius: My staff can make things explode! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Turel: You, Moebius, are such a...you're an...stupid little...I can't think of the  
  
words to express my hatred!  
  
Moebius: My demands are: 1 toy truck, 5 green crayons, 12 pieces of paper cut-free  
  
paper, 2 pairs of scissors, 1 coloring book, 1 cup of tea, and 9 lumps of sugar. AHAHA!!  
  
Rahab: Whatith the Satin's Place do youth want withth that?  
  
Kain: That's a lot to give away! Well, I'm not paying.  
  
Moebius: Then Raziel will die!  
  
Kain: Hey, I get to keep my stuff and Razzyboy dies, that's a win-win.  
  
Raziel: (muffled) Don't call me RAZZYBOY!  
  
Zephon: But we can't just let him kill Raziel!  
  
(then Dumah rushes in)  
  
Kain: (sees Duamh) My favorite son Dumah, where've you been!?  
  
Dumah: Ever since the other day, I've been trying to figure out who I am!  
  
Moebius: Hey everyone, pay attention to me again!  
  
Kain: And what did you find out?  
  
Dumah: I found out that I'm an executioner for the world!  
  
Kain: Bravo!  
  
Moebius: (to Kain) Kain, you and your sons will die here!  
  
(then Dumah bravely rushed up, threw Raziel out of the way, punched Moebius in the  
  
gut, then threw Moebius away)  
  
Rahab: Brother Dumah saved us!  
  
Kain: Go Dumah!  
  
Turel: Dumah's a hero!  
  
Raziel: (muffled) Help, I'm still tied up.  
  
Kain: Dumah, now that you and Janos are here...where's Janos? (Janos comes in)  
  
Janos: (to Kain) You said you'd give me tacos if a came. Well, I'm here, but I don't see  
  
tacos.  
  
Kain: Now that everyone's here, I want you all to know you're now in quarantine!  
  
Dumah: Why!!!!!!!?  
  
Kain: Because the horoscope for today said "Anyone not of your star sign will give you  
  
a deadly disease unless they're in quarantine."  
  
Vorador: But I'm the same star sign as you Kain!  
  
Kain: Well, you're in here because I hate you! Good-bye. (then Kain leaves and locks  
  
them all in there)  
  
Rahab: Well, son of a bitchith.  
  
Zephon: I know how we can occupy out time.  
  
Janos: How?  
  
Zephon: Oh, 100 bottles of blood on the wall, 100 bottles of blood! Take 1 down, pass  
  
it around, 99 bottles of blood on the wall!  
  
(then, as everyone except Raziel beat the crap out of Zephon, Raziel could'nt help but  
  
be annoyed)  
  
Raziel: (muffled) Will someone please untie me?  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
Well, I hope you all liked this chapter and don't forget to review! 


	14. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Hmm, I don't own LoK or any of its characters, but I'm plotting to  
  
__________________________________________________  
  
The scene is a closed and sealed off Pillars (in other words, Kain's throne)  
  
and everyone is tense and paranoid  
  
Zephon: They're all around me! I won't take this anymore!  
  
Dumah: Calm down you melodramatic drip!  
  
Turel: This is insane! None of us has any kind of disease! (then Turel sneezes)  
  
Melchiah: Ahh! Don't sneeze in my direction!  
  
Dumah: We're all gonna crack up and die here! I don't want to die here, you people  
  
suck! Someone help me!  
  
Raziel: (finally got himself untied) I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure  
  
none of us has anything contagious.  
  
Melchiah: That's right. (then Melchiah's arm falls off)  
  
Raziel: AHHH!!! GET YOUR FRICKIN' DISEASE-INFESTED GUNKY ARM AWAY FROM ME  
  
YOU DEFORMED MOLDING FREAK!  
  
Zephon: I'M GOIN' OFF THE DEEP END!  
  
Turel: I'VE GOTTA KEEP MY SANITY! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!  
  
Dumah: LET'S ALL GET TENSE! I'VE BEEN WITH YOU SUCKAS TOO LONG, NOW  
  
YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME! AHHH!!!!!!  
  
Melchiah: Who wants tranquilizers?  
  
Vorador: ME!  
  
Janos: NO! DON'T YOU SEE? THAT BASTARD WANTS US DEAD! HE'S TIPPED THE  
  
TRANQUALIZERS WITH SYANIDE!  
  
Vorador: SYANINE? ARE YOU SURE YOU SPELLED THAT CORRECTLY?  
  
Janos: IF YOU DOUGHT ME I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Melchiah: (to Rahab) I hate this place.  
  
Rahab: We're the only sane ones, brother Melchiah.  
  
Raziel: YOU SICK, INFESTED BASTARD ZEPHON! YOU'RE A THING IN VAMPIRE  
  
CLOTHING, AREN'T YOU!?  
  
Zephon: I THINK I'M GETTING A COLD!  
  
Turel: I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN!  
  
Vorador: (to Turel) WHAT!?  
  
Turel: JUST TRYING TO KEEP SANE! AHH!!!  
  
Raziel: DO YOU WANNA TOUCH ME? DO YOU WANNA TOUCH ME? WELL TOO BAD,  
  
YOU DISEASE CARRYING HERMAPHRODITES!  
  
Rahab: What can we do to calm them down, brother Melchiah?  
  
Melchiah: Why did Kain do this?  
  
Rahab: The wicked shall receive their reward.  
  
Melchiah: I hate Kain.  
  
Rahab: You needn'th dislike brother Kain, brother Melchiah.  
  
Melchiah: Well, he's doing this for a laugh!  
  
Kain voice: Hahahahahahaha!  
  
Melchiah: Where's that coming from?  
  
(Kain was hearing the whole thing and laughing because Kain had put a video recorder  
  
right under Melchiah's nose so it would look like a moustache)  
  
Kain's voice: Ahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Turel: WHAT IS THAT?  
  
Raziel: (Turel had accidentally brushed his hand against Raziel) AHHHH!!!! SOMEONE  
  
HELP ME, THE LIGHT'S ALREADY FADING! GOOD-BYE SWEET NOSGOTH!  
  
Zephon: WHERE'S KAIN'S LAUGHTER COMING FROM?  
  
Kain's voice: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!  
  
Melchiah: It sounds like it's coming from my...nose!  
  
Raziel: AHHH!!!! I THINK TUREL GAVE ME SHARK POISON! MUST DESTROY THE  
  
INFECTION! (so Raziel decides to destroy the infection by sticking his arm in fire) MY  
  
ARM HAS BEEN BAPTIZED! (then realizing it hurts) HEY, THIS HURTS!  
  
Melchiah: Get out of my nose, Kain!  
  
Zephon: Whoa, is his nose gonna give birth to Kain? Eww! He'll be full of germs, then  
  
they're gonna get on me, eat me, then I'll die! Save us someone!  
  
Kain's voice: Hahahahahahaha!  
  
Vorador: (grabbing onto Zephon's shoulders and shaking him) You've got to pull  
  
yourself together man! (then he releases Zephon)  
  
Zephon: You're right. (then thinks about something) I THINK VORADOR JUST GAVE ME  
  
SOME STD DISEASE! AHH!!!  
  
Melchiah: (freaking out) GET OUT OF MY NOSE KAIN! SOMEONE HELP ME! (Melchiah  
  
then starts punching his own nose)  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene has now switched to Kain's secret hiding place  
  
  
  
Kain: (listening to Melchiah punching himself) Hahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Elder God's voice: You must stop this now Kain!  
  
Kain: Not you! I hate you!  
  
Elder God's voice: Yes, me.  
  
Kain: Weren't you in that book Sphere?  
  
Elder God's voice: No! Shut up! Be nice to them, OR ELSE!  
  
Kain: Or else what? I'm not afraid of you.  
  
Elder God's voice: I'll give you one more chance! But if you do any other mean things to  
  
them, you'll pay!  
  
Kain: Yeah yeah. I think I've got a fun idea...  
  
  
  
  
  
Back at the Pillars...  
  
  
  
Zephon: (running around, screaming) SOMEONE HELP, I THINK I'VE GOT STD! I THINK  
  
I MAY HAVE RABBIES!  
  
Raziel: What are you concerned about? If I don't cut off this arm, then the infection  
  
could kill me! All because Vorador's dirty old self touched me!  
  
Zephon: Vorador gave me STD! I think. Anyway, let's all get him!  
  
Janos: (to Vorador) How many times have I told you to take a bath so your funky body  
  
wouldn't have fatal diseases!  
  
Vorador: You're all overreacting!  
  
Dumah: Let's kill him! He turned me into a newt!  
  
Vorador: A newt?  
  
Dumah: I got better. Let's kill Vorador anyway, I haven't had anything to eat in a few  
  
days anyway!  
  
Ghostly voice: Stop right there.  
  
(everyone heard that Ghostly voice and stopped)  
  
Ghostly voice: This is the ghost of Nosgoth present.  
  
Zephon: Ahh!!! I'm afraid of ghosts.  
  
Ghostly voice: I have come to tell you how to improve your lives.  
  
Melchiah: I have a GHOST IN MY NOSE!  
  
Ghostly voice: First, Vorador needs to take a bath in water.  
  
Vorador: Please, Mr. Ghost sir, water bur-  
  
Ghostly voice: DO YOU DOUGHT ME!? I YE DO, I'LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!  
  
Vorador: AHHH!!!! Ok, I'll do it.  
  
Ghostly voice: Good, good.  
  
Zephon: Oh, my turn! My turn!  
  
Ghostly voice: Zephon, you don't have STD. (then, in a nervous tone) Nothing serious,  
  
anyway.  
  
Zephon: (hearing the nervous tone) WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOTHING SERIOUS?"  
  
Ghostly voice: Oh, nothing, nothing. I'll just tell you that you ought to be glad you don't  
  
have children the way humans do.  
  
Zephon: (now a nervous wreck) AHHH!!! WHAT'S THAT MEAN? AHH!!!  
  
Ghostly voice: Rahab, you're next.  
  
Rahab: I'm a rabbi, so I tryith to make friends with everyoneith.  
  
Ghostly voice: Rahab, you're beard is ugly.  
  
Rahab: DON'T YOU INSULT MY BEARD, YOU SON OF A FEMALE DOG!  
  
Ghostly voice: Razzyboy.  
  
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME THAT!  
  
Ghostly voice: You'll need to cut off more than one limb. Your body is infested with  
  
rabbies.  
  
Raziel: OH NO!!!!!!!  
  
Ghostly voice: Dumah...  
  
Dumah: (scared) Yes...  
  
Ghostly voice: You're a perfect angel, don't ever change.  
  
Dumah: Oh, that's awfully kind of you.  
  
  
  
  
  
Back in Kain's secret hiding place  
  
  
  
Kain: (making a Ghostly voice): Janos, you're a tree-hugging hippy. Stop being one.  
  
Janos' voice: No! Hippy; good.  
  
Kain: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Elder God's voice: THAT'S IT KAIN! I WARNED YOU!  
  
Kain: I'm not afraid of you.  
  
Elder God's voice: Hahahaha!  
  
(then a light comes down from the sky and heavenly music plays, and from the heavens  
  
comes Magnus, in all his insane glory. Though this time, he also held a Holy Hand  
  
Grenade)  
  
Kain: (seeing the holy hand grenade) Oh crap.  
  
Magnus: KAIN IS MY FRIEND!  
  
Kain: Don't get near me with that grenade!  
  
Magnus: KAIN IS MY FRIEND! BRING ME MY MEAT!  
  
Kain: No! No! No! I'm not your friend!  
  
Magnus: WHERE'S MY MEAT? KAIN'S NOT MY FRIEND?  
  
Kain: No. Kain's not my friend!  
  
Magnus: (looking at the holy hand grenade) THEN YOU BLOW UP AND I GET MEAT!  
  
Kain: No, no, no, no, no.  
  
Magnus: (pulls the pin) I'LL GET MY MEAT IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!  
  
Kain: Somebody help...  
  
Magnus: (has now rushed at Kain and only inches from his face and still holding the  
  
grenade) KAIN ISN'T MY FRIEND! KAIN'S MY MEAT!  
  
Kain: OH SHI-  
  
(BOOM)  
  
  
  
  
  
Back at the Pillars  
  
  
  
Zephon: (hearing a loud explosion, while using one of those things to test if you're  
  
pregnant or not) What was that? (it beeps) Yes, negative!  
  
(everyone was startled when they heard the boom. Everyone was even more startled  
  
when Kain got blasted from the ceiling to the ground)  
  
Janos: It's a fallen angel!  
  
Dumah: No, it's Kain...and that thing, whatever it is.  
  
(Kain and Magnus crawled up, Kain in a lot of pain and Magnus in no pain because he  
  
burnt all of his nerve endings years ago when he immolated himself)  
  
Raziel: Well, well, well. It's Kain! (everyone gathers around Kain) You gave us diseases!  
  
Zephon: Do I look pregnant to you!?  
  
Dumah: You're not escaping us this time, Kain!  
  
Kain: Um, you see...  
  
(then Magnus bursts through)  
  
Magnus: MY MEAT! (he sees Melchiah) I REMEMBER YOU! MEAT!  
  
Melchiah: Oh, hell no!  
  
Kain: Ha! I'll sick Magnus on you people!  
  
Zephon: So what? Nothing can hurt me! (then Zephon backs away, but his foot twists  
  
and his foot ends up broken) OW! At least I go to prove that only I'm strong enough to  
  
hurt me!  
  
Raziel: This is all your fault, Kain! Zephon wouldn't be sitting here in pain if it weren't  
  
for you!  
  
Rahab: Somebody take him to the hospitalith.  
  
Kain: (annoyed) What's the nearest hospital.  
  
Vorador: Ooh, it's my gynecologist place!  
  
Kain: (brightens up considerably) Really. Take him there.  
  
Vorador: Yay!  
  
Zephon: (while be put on a stretcher) Oh, no no no no no!  
  
Vorador: (following him) Don't worry. I've only screwed up 9 out of the 10 times I've  
  
done something! I'm sure to get it right this time!  
  
Kain: Hehehe. Let's start filming.  
  
Raziel: Not till we get an apology. We also heard a ghost.  
  
Kain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Turel: I recognize that laugh. You were that ghost weren't you!? Someone hold me  
  
back! (then Turel and all the others lunge at Kain, except Magnus, who's chasing  
  
Melchiah)  
  
  
  
  
  
A little while later, filming starts. It's filmed at the Pillars, as always, and the  
  
backdrop is inside the present-day castle of William the Just  
  
Kain: (looking around, surveying the scenery) This looks like a broken down trailer in  
  
Alabama. Well, at least William the Just is dead, so Moebius' plans have been thwarted.  
  
His pawn is out of the game.  
  
(Kain walked out of the room to be greeted by a sumo-wrestler with a torch)  
  
Kain: Um...a sumo-wrestler.  
  
Sumo-wrestler: I'm Fat Bastard! Not some retarded sumo-wrestler!  
  
Kain: Why do you have a torch? What are you doing?  
  
Fat Bastard: I'm carrying a torch so I can cook you, then you can GET IN MY BELLY!  
  
Kain: (not sure about what to think about him) I'm not really afraid.  
  
Fat Bastard: (taunting) Yeah, well I fart in your general direction! You'll feel the pain of  
  
a fat bastard! (then Fat Bastard got his big fat foot and stomped on Kain's foot)  
  
Kain: OW!!! That hurt you bastard! (seeing this doesn't phase him) Who is fat!  
  
Fat Bastard: (indifferent look on is pudgy face) Oh, what the hell! I'm gonna eat ya!  
  
(then Fat Bastard waddled toward Kain and Kain cut Fat Bastard with the Soul Reaver)  
  
Fat Bastard: Ow! That hurt! Well, I'm a professional sumo-wrestler, and I'm gonna kill  
  
you! (then stops for a moment) Can we wait a while till we fight? I gotta take a crap!  
  
Kain: (disgusted) You revolting fat bastard!  
  
(Kain took this opportunity while he was away to sneak away from Fat Bastard and  
  
continued looking for a way out. Everything looked so different, and Kain believed it  
  
was because the place was a little destroyed. He came upon more sumo- wrestlers)  
  
Kain: Why are you people always so fat?  
  
Sumo-wrestler 1: (holding a torch) Don't call me fat! It hurts me feelings.  
  
Sumo-wrestler 2: (Scottish) Ya, we hav felings too ya know.  
  
Sumo-wrestler 3: I'll tell my mommy on you!  
  
(then Kain killed them all)  
  
Kain: Christ, what's with these weirdos?  
  
(then a very scrawny person with two sticks came up to Kain)  
  
Scrawny sticks holder 1: Hreheheheheherhe! I have come to kill you!  
  
Kain: (while getting hit by the sticks) (sighs) What's with all these freaks!  
  
Scrawny sticks holder 1: Hrehehehehrheehehehe! You cannot escape my chopsticks!  
  
Kain: You're a wimp and a loser! (then Kain kills him) Aren't there any women in  
  
Nosgoth anymore?  
  
(so Kain walks along and goes to the doorway when a woman comes up and bitch-slaps  
  
Kain)  
  
Kain: (dumbfounded) I've just got bitch-slapped.  
  
Woman: Yeah, you vile vampire! And I'll do it again! (so she bitch-slapped him again)  
  
Kain: I don't know how to feel about this. (then she bitch-slapped him again) Ow, that  
  
hurt!  
  
Woman: You vampires aren't what you used to be! (slaps him again) I remember back  
  
in my old days...(slaps him again) ...when we used to live in fear of the big  
  
mean dreaded vampire...(slaps him again)...we used to have to walk 15 miles in  
  
the blazing hot cold up extremely steep mountains...(slaps him again)...just so  
  
we could get EATEN by a vampire! (slaps him again) What's happened to vampires  
  
these days? (slaps him again) Now they're so puny.  
  
Kain: (with a very red face for getting slapped) This is getting rough. ARGHHHH!!!  
  
Kain's voice: The Heart of Darkness.  
  
(then Kain was revived)  
  
Kain: (still getting slapped) SHE BITCH-SLAPPED ME TO DEATH! Okay, please stop!  
  
Woman: Ok, I can either bitch-slap you repeatedly, or knee you in the groin repeatedly.  
  
Kain: (thinking it over) Hm, bitch-slap, or kneed groin. Hm...(thinks about this very  
  
crucial decision for a few minutes) I think I'll get slapped.  
  
Woman: (disappointed) Aw, okay then. (slaps him)  
  
Kain: (while getting slapped a lot) What am I gonna do? (sees a crow overhead) Idea!  
  
(Kain then catches the crow and shoves the crow in Woman's mouth and Woman backs  
  
away)  
  
Woman: Ewww!!! That's nasty!  
  
Kain: Hahaha! (then Kain eats crow) Damn, that's really good crow!  
  
(then Kain kills Woman and ventures out of the castle to be greeted by a most familiar  
  
scene. There are big, red demons everywhere, and everything's the way it should be)  
  
Kain: Yep, this is definitely the dump I know. It's present time Nosgoth. But the  
  
carnage of battle is gone! I love it when people fight, it's so funny! (he hears something  
  
in the distance) Hark, whatith be that!? Is that...vampire blood! I must do  
  
something, a fellow vampire may be in mortal danger!  
  
(so Kain goes around and kills stuff)  
  
Kain: Ah, I feel much better now.  
  
(so Kain wanders away from the castle and sees a broken statue of Umah with a Soul  
  
Reaver)  
  
Kain: (finally figures the whole thing out) Damn it, the devil farts in my face once again.  
  
I'm getting nothing but bad luck. Since I, a vampire, slayed William, these people thirst  
  
for a new blood-vampire blood. Wait a minute! So what's new, everyone's always  
  
wanted me dead! Well, that sucks!  
  
(so Kain went on and arrived in Stahlberg, and people are now grim, sad and  
  
depressed)  
  
Kain: THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!  
  
(then a woman comes up and bitch-slaps him)  
  
Kain: Oh, hell no! Not this again! (he kills her and continues on. He sees that everyone  
  
looks sad and disappointed) This is the best place ever! (to Peasant 1) Can I kill you?  
  
Peasant 1: May as well. I so depressed. You see, it turns out that my lover was a guy  
  
when I thought it was I girl. Things haven't been going well lat-(then Kain kills him)  
  
Kain: I love this place!  
  
(Kain's exiting Stahlberg, Kain saw a red diamond. He stepped on it)  
  
Voice Recorder (with Kain's voice in it): As I wandered about more, the shrieking and  
  
cheering became more apparent and defined. There was some sort of gathering to the  
  
south; for with each cheer I smelled an outpour of blood.  
  
Kain: (looking at the voice recorder) By the time this whole thing ends, I'm gonna find  
  
out how they get my voice on that thing. (then Kain smells the air) Smells like sausages  
  
and burgers! Someone's having a cookout down south! Yippee! Hooray!  
  
(so Kain rushes down south and sees a sumo-wrestler and a scrawny guy)  
  
Kain: I get it now! These people are vampire hunters!  
  
Sumo-wrestler 4: For righteousness!  
  
Scrawny guy: (in sophisticated tone) Hello, I'm a judge. And I'm also jury.  
  
Kain: Well, I'll be damned. I don't justify my killing, as we all know. I kill because it's  
  
fun and dead people smell like cookies! (now he's PO'ed) But these vampire hunters say  
  
they do this for righteousness! All they have to do is say they think dead people smell  
  
like cookies and that'll work!  
  
Sumo-wrestler: Hahahaha! (then he gets killed by Kain)  
  
Kain: (still PO'ed) They would make themselves judge and jury!  
  
Scrawny guy: (in a sophisticated tone) No, you see, I really am a judge and a jury.  
  
Kain: (still PO'ed) Oh. Well, that puts a damper on my "These-guys-are-full- of-it"  
  
theory. I know! Can I be the executioner?  
  
Scrawny guy: Why, sure.  
  
Kain: (jumping up and down excited) Yay! (then Kain kills scrawny guy) I don't feel like  
  
going through all this. Beguile! (so Kain's dressed as a Care Bear now. Kain was able to  
  
get past most people without being annoyed)  
  
Sumo-wrestler 5: (seeing Kain's costume) Can I have your autograph!  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Sumo-wrestler 5: You, Care Bear, is the whole reason I became a sumo- wrestler. I  
  
wanted to be just like you!  
  
Kain: Fine! (Kain gives him an autograph)  
  
Sumo-wrestler 5: YEEEEEHHHH! (then the sumo-wrestler runs off, jumping up and  
  
down like a crazed boy-band lover who just got an autograph)  
  
Kain: I HATE THIS SUIT!  
  
(then Kain walks into a section of roofless castle-wannabes and sees Raziel, who is  
  
Moebius, and Vorador with his head in a guillotine)  
  
Vorador: Not again. This'll be the second time.  
  
(then Vorador's head gets lopped off)  
  
Voraodr's head: Ow. Could someone hand me some ointment, my head's been cut off.  
  
It really puts a damper on the day.  
  
Janos (as Executioner): We are free of this unholy constipated dirty old plebian!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Wait a second, my friend! Would you be free of the plague if only  
  
one city was cleansed?  
  
Crowd: Who cares about the other cities?  
  
Dean Earwicker: (in bandages) Yeah!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): (sighs) I hate crowds. They're so stupid. Well would you spare one  
  
wolf in a pack that has devastated your herd?  
  
Crowd: No!  
  
Dean Earwicker: Yes! I love lamb chops!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Not him again. Then let us destroy them all!  
  
Crowd: Yes!  
  
Dean Earwicker: No, let's be nice to him!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): (sighs heavily) I hate Dean Earwicker. (then he sees Kain) Look, a  
  
Care Bear! I love those little guys!  
  
Crowd: (sees Kain) Care Bear! I want a hug!  
  
Dean Earwicker: (to Raziel, as Moebius) Are you a virgin?  
  
Kain: (infuriated) THAT'S IT! (Kain is extremely PO'ed and rips of the head of the  
  
costume, throws it down on the ground and stomps on it over and over, and he takes  
  
off the rest of the suit and immolates it)  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): He beheaded the Care Bear! He killed the Care Bear!  
  
Crowd: Die!  
  
Dean Earwicker: That Care Bear was only around 25!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): We weren't gonna kill him, but he killed the Care Bear! (starts  
  
crying)  
  
Kain: (now realizing that he might want to learn to control his anger) (annoyed) Aw,  
  
crap it all.  
  
(so a crowd of 100 people come at Kain and Kain kills them all)  
  
Kain: (seeing the infinity symbol that over Moebius' entire body) I've been tricked!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Stupid.  
  
Kain: In my haste I had not noticed that symbol on his entire body painted yellow so  
  
anyone could see it! This is in fact the Time Streamer Moebius!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Well, come on! If you can't notice this huge symbol, then anyone  
  
that stupid deserves what they get!  
  
Kain: Damn it, the worst part was that he was right! I feel really stupid now! Moebius,  
  
you carbuncle-infested homo! You'll die!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): We will not rest till your kind is dead! I'll send you back to the  
  
grave! And I'm NOT a homo! I'll tell my mommy on you!  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh, boo-hoo. (then Raziel is lifted up by strings to make it look like  
  
he disappeared) You cowardly piece of...piss! (to himself) You cowardly piece of  
  
piss? That makes no sense.  
  
(so Kain traveled through a gate that opened up beside him and Razzyboy-)  
  
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!  
  
(...and Raziel, as Moebius, was up on a ledge applying cream to his carbuncle)  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): OH YES! THAT FEELS SO GOOD! OH, THAT CREAM REALLY HITS  
  
THE SPOT!  
  
Kain: You coward! Stop pleasuring yourself with cream and come down and fight!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Aw damn, I've been caught. Well, here are puppets from the past!  
  
(then a puppet Pinocchio drops on the ground) (agitated sigh) That was a  
  
disappointment.  
  
Kain: AHH!! PINOCCHIO IS SO GAY! (then Kain kills the gay puppet)  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Here's a puppet of the present! (a mathematician come down)  
  
Kain: Who are you?  
  
Mathematician: Aha! What is 3x + 56,000y - the square root of 2,395,487 divided by  
  
the square root of 'c' + 59% of 45,932 times 39?  
  
Kain: ...DIE!!!!!!!!!! I HATE MATH!!!!!! DIE DAMN YOU!!!! (so Kain slaughters the  
  
very evil mathematician and the author grins cause the author abhors math and is bad  
  
at math)  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Very well. Now for the most dangerous one! The one from ages to  
  
come!!!  
  
(then an old man appears with a Soul Reaver in hand)  
  
Kain: (not part of the script) (to Raziel) Um, Raziel...who is this?  
  
Raziel: Um...  
  
Kain: Where's my clone that supposed to be here, Raziel? I wanna see myself!  
  
Raziel: I don't know, your clone's supposed to be here. Who's this guy? (to Dumah,  
  
who's off-set) Who's this guy? Where's the clone?  
  
Dumah: (off-set) I don't know what's going on.  
  
Kain: Who are you, old hag?  
  
Old person with a Soul Reaver: I you must know, I'm...Michael Bell!  
  
Kain: Who??  
  
Michael Bell: I am a master at the Soul Reaver. I've have killed approximately  
  
28,374,747,483,847 enemies without even getting a scratch!  
  
Kain: Um, Razzyboy, help.  
  
Raziel: No! After what you did to all of us!? Quarantine! Diseases! Ghostly voice! No, I  
  
won't help! I'm gonna enjoy this!  
  
Kain: (holding his own Soul Reaver) (to Michael Bell) You're goin' down!  
  
Michael Bell: My eyes are open Kain! (then three stories appear behind Michael, each  
  
story having a lever, and a portal at the top) I shall now kill you!  
  
(so Michael starts off with a 50-hit combo, and Kain blocks, but Michael is clearly much  
  
better with the Soul Reaver then Kain, as Kain only manages to block 9 hits, getting hit  
  
the other 41 times. The only reason Kain's still alive is because of the Hearts of  
  
Darkness's that are automatically used when you die)  
  
Kain: I admit I underestimated you. But now you die!  
  
(so Kain tries Berserking Michael, but Michael simply blocks every hit and hits Kain in  
  
the air and juggles Kain, and Kain finally lands after 19 hits)  
  
Kain: (in a painful and whiny voice) This is too much! (then Kain actually hits Michael)  
  
Michael Bell: Well, how the hell did that happen? (then Michael flips the first story  
  
switch. Then Michael teleports to the second story)  
  
Kain: Oh, no more!  
  
(so Kain jumps up to the second story and Michael catches him)  
  
Michael Bell: Haha! You need to keep your friends close Kain; and your enemies even  
  
closer! (then Michael throws Kain to the ground)  
  
Kain: Die! (then Kain jumps at him again, and after getting hit 30 times, Kain actually  
  
hits Michael again)  
  
Michael Bell: Ha! Kain, did you think you were noble? (Michael pressed another switch,  
  
this time on the second story. Then he reappears on the third)  
  
Kain: I'm gonna kill you! (then Kain jumped up to Michael and done a punch- kick  
  
combo and had Michael pinned)  
  
Michael Bell: How can you blasphemy Raziel by turning him into a vampire!? (then  
  
Michael Bell telekinetically pushed Kain away. Kain just got back up and hit Michael  
  
again)  
  
Kain: That'll show you!  
  
Michael Bell: (after pulling the last switch, he reappeared in front of the portal) You  
  
nearly had me Kain. But this is not where it ends. This drama promises more twists and  
  
turns before this drama is over...completely. (then Michael Bell disappears through  
  
the portal, then the portal and 3 stories disappears as well)  
  
Raziel: Aw, damn it! He didn't kill you! (then as Moebius) Crap! If you want a job done  
  
properly, you've got to do it yourself!  
  
(then Raziel, as Moebius, teleports to where Kain is)  
  
Kain: (irritated) Am I the only one who can't teleport?  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): Now die! (he shoots lightning out of his staff, but no lightning  
  
comes out) Oh no! Stupid Energizer batteries, they don't keep going and going!  
  
Kain: (wicked grin) Ha! (then he strikes Raziel, who's now laying in the ground in front  
  
of Kain) Well you really fooled me, you constipated old haggard pissle. By going back in  
  
time, you turned William into the Nemesis!  
  
Raziel (as Moebius): So, you've seen my plan as I've seen your destiny. The past says,  
  
you'll die and become a vampire! Hahaha!  
  
Kain: Well, I'm already dead, you dip-dong! As are you! (then Kain lops of Moebius'  
  
head, which isn't Raziel's)  
  
(now that Kain has killed him, Kain is trying to find out what to do. Then he finds an  
  
hourglass)  
  
Kain: I never understood how these things work. Hey, with this, Moebius could stream  
  
time! Wow! Neat-o freat-o! (then Kain throws the hourglass into the air so that he can  
  
catch it, but he misses and it breaks) Well, guess the sands of time have ceased to flow  
  
now, huh?  
  
Dumah's voice (as Mortanius): Oh goody, you killed him. Moebius always played the  
  
trickster's part, that sick hozer! He even dressed as the Oracle. And still had that infinity  
  
tattoo all over his body that ANY IDIOT COULD SEE!  
  
Kain: Go to hell!  
  
Dumah's voice (as Mortanius): Come and meet me at the Pillars for the grand finale!  
  
You shall have your vengeance. Oh, and you still owe me for letting you become a  
  
vampire. You owe me $3.50.  
  
Kain: Expensive huh? I would've thought he'd be cheap.  
  
(now Kain flys to the Pillars, where he sees Janos, as Anacrothe, and Dumah, as  
  
Mortanius, arguing and Kain hides-)  
  
Kain: Hide! You don't know me!  
  
(...and I make Kain reappear behind a Pillar, watching)  
  
Janos (as Anacrothe): You ungrateful a-hole! You sicked Kain on us as if he was some  
  
crazed dog!  
  
Kain: (seeing a bone) Oh, a bone!  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): I had to. We screwed up! All because of battery- powered head!  
  
We failed! Boo-hoo!  
  
Janos (as Anacrothe): We failed? Um, Nosgoth to Mortanius, we live for it! Not the  
  
other way around!  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Nosgoth to Anacrothe, uh-huh!  
  
Janos (as Anacrothe): Nosgoth to Mortanius, nuh-uh! Anyway, stand with us or die!  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): You know, you're REALLY stupid to be arguing with the  
  
Guardian of Death! Idiot!  
  
(then Janos shot lightning at Dumah, who just absorbed it and shot a bolt through  
  
Janos' body, killing him. Then Dumah decided he wasn't dead enough and threw Janos  
  
against a Pillar. He still didn't think Janos was dead enough and made shadow-thingys  
  
brake Janos' back. About this time, Dumah was supposed to stop, but Dumah loved  
  
killing so much that he shot Janos with a bazooka, machine gunned him, burned him at  
  
a stake, hit him with a rake, and stabbed him with a fork, and would've done more had  
  
Kain not stopped him)  
  
Kain: Easy, easy. That's overkill.  
  
Dumah: Yeah, sorry. I just get carried away.  
  
Kain: Oh, and if the Circle is to be, you have to die as well  
  
Necramaticoneroticonecromatic. Whatever. I admire your stupidity, but you will die as  
  
well.  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): Yae and Nae, I'll embrace it! But my death will leave one more!  
  
Finish me!  
  
(then Dumah started trying to beat up Kain and sent skeletons after him)  
  
Kain: How am I to finish you if you keep trying to kill me!?  
  
Dumah (as Mortanius): You've got a point! (then he made everything dissapear) Ok,  
  
you can kill me now.  
  
Kain: Wow, that's awfully nice of you.  
  
(then Kain kills him. Then he runs off stage and Turel runs up stage dressed as  
  
Hash'ak'git. In other words, he was dressed up like a Godzilla creature, or a Gamera  
  
creature)  
  
Hash'ak'git: (with a very proud and poetic voice, odd for someone like the demon he  
  
was playing as) You though yourself as king when you were a pawn? You have served  
  
me vwell!  
  
Kain: I didn't think I was a king. Now what's your name?  
  
Hash'ak'git: Hash'ak'git! You have witnessed my cunning plan!  
  
Kain: I didn't notice a cunning plan.  
  
Hash'ak'git: You wouldn't. You're too busy waving that bent stick of yours around. It all  
  
started when I possessed Mortanius and killed Ariel, which would be my first act in my  
  
theatre of Moulon Rouge! Or however that's spelled.  
  
Kain: So that's why all this has been so stupid!  
  
Hash'ak'git: Of course! Now play on, little drummer boy, play on.  
  
Kain: I'm not a gay drummer boy! Vae victus!  
  
(and then the filming stopped right before the fight)  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
(it was after the filming and everyone was trying to think of mean ways to get back at  
  
Kain)  
  
Dumah: I can put parts of him in a blender!  
  
Raziel: Too quick.  
  
Turel: I can shove him into a well.  
  
Raziel: Too weak.  
  
Rahab: I canith take that mother fu'ith and kickith his stupid boneheadith damnith  
  
stupid assith and cut him up into tiny fu'ith pieces!  
  
Raziel: Wow.  
  
Janos: I can-  
  
Raziel: I don't care, you tree-hugging hippy.  
  
(then they hear Kain screaming on the phone)  
  
Kain: (talking to Vorador on the phone) What do you mean "Does a vampire need both  
  
lungs?" I would think so! (listens) What? (listens) Yes, he MIGHT need that, you idiot!  
  
(listens) I SWEAR, IF YOU MAKE HIM A EUNUCH, I'LL KILL YOU! (listens) No, I don't  
  
want you to mail pieces in a box! (listens) If he isn't okay by the time I get there, your  
  
ass is grass. (then Kain hangs up)  
  
Raziel: That didn't sound good. Let's go beat up Kain!  
  
Kain: (walking over to Raziel) I'm gonna go strangle Vorador now.  
  
Raziel: (hops in Kain's way as Kain is trying to leave) Don't take another step, old man!  
  
Melchiah: Raz, this probably isn't the best time.  
  
Raziel: (to Kain) Be mean to us and we'll be mean back! Haha, I rising up against the  
  
oppressor Kain!  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Raziel: Ha, he dumbfounded!  
  
Kain: ...  
  
Raziel: Ha, I have done it! He won't oppress me any more!  
  
Kain: ...I have concluded that your on dope! Dope head!  
  
Raziel: I'm not the hippy, that's Janos.  
  
Janos: (making a peace sign) Peace man.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, so what now!?  
  
Kain: Unless you want Zephon castrated, I need to stop Vorador.  
  
(then Kain just edged past Raziel)  
  
Dumah: (sarcastically) You sure showed him, Razzyboy!  
  
Raziel: Come on, we've gotta kill Vorador!  
  
Turel: Hoorah!  
  
(then they all leave)  
  
Bloopers  
  
-------------------------  
  
Take 1  
  
Kain: (looking around, surveying the scenery) This looks like a broken down trailer in  
  
Alabama. Well, at least William the Just is dead, so Moebius' plans have been thwarted.  
  
His horsy is out of the game.  
  
Raziel: His horsy?  
  
Kain: You know, that horse-thingy. I remember now, that's the bishop!  
  
Raziel: Wrong! I hope Magnus eats Kain.  
  
------------------------  
  
Take 4  
  
Kain: Why are you people always so fat?  
  
Sumo-wrestler 1: (holding a torch) hey, don't make me have to remind you who's fat!  
  
Kain: (confused look)  
  
Sumo-wrestler 2: Ya, he my homeboy!  
  
Sumo-wrestler 3: Yep, he's also the one who buys us meat! Don't insult him!  
  
Kain: (very confused look)  
  
-------------------------  
  
Take 9  
  
Kain: (still getting slapped) SHE BITCH-SLAPPED ME TO DEATH! Okay, please stop!  
  
(but she still slapped him over and over)  
  
Kain: I said stop. (slap) Ow, stop! (slap) STOP! (slap)  
  
(then Kain Immolated her)  
  
Kain: Oops.  
  
Dumah: Kain!  
  
Kain: Well, she wouldn't stop bitch-slapping me! I was defending myself!  
  
-----------------------  
  
Take 13  
  
(He sees that everyone looks sad and disappointed) This is the best place ever! (to  
  
Peasant 1) Can I kill you?  
  
Peasant 1: (super excited and perky and hyper) Oh yes! Killing me! Killing me! All fall  
  
down! Yippee, hooray! Lalalalalalalala! Hehehe! Kill, Kian's gonna kill tonight! Geehehe!  
  
Kain: (annoyed) Who's been giving the peasants caffeine and sugar?  
  
------------------------  
  
Take 15  
  
Kain: Well, I'll be damned. I don't justify my killing, as we all know. I kill because it's  
  
fun and dead people smell like cookies! (then Kain reaches for a dead person but  
  
instead gets nothing) Who took my dead people away! Now I can't taste cookies.  
  
Magnus: (off-screen) YUMMY! MELCHIAH NEXT, MELCHIAH NEXT!  
  
Melchiah: (off-screen) Ah, help me! (sounds of crashing and breaking are heard)  
  
Magnus: (off-screen) MELCHIAH! YUMMY YUMMY FOR MY TUMMY!  
  
Melchiah: (off-screen) Help, he's got my leg!  
  
Turel: (off-screen) Drop it Magnus, you don't know where strange legs have been!  
  
Magnus: (off-screen) TWO MEALS! TWO MEALS! YUMMY!  
  
Turel: (off-screen) Ow, someone help me!  
  
Kain: Mortanius, why couldn't you have left me dead?  
  
----------------------  
  
Take 18  
  
Kain: Fine! (Kain gives him an autograph)  
  
Sumo-wrestler 5: YEEEEEHHHH! (then the sumo-wrestler runs off, jumping up and  
  
down like a crazed boy-band lover who just got an autograph)  
  
Kain: I HATE THIS SUIT!  
  
(then Kain's cell phone rings) Hello. (listens) Oh, it's you Vorador. (listens) Why, yes, I  
  
think he'd need HIS LIVER! (listens) YES, BOTH OF THEM! (listens) WHAT DO YOU  
  
MEAN "UH-OH!" (listens) You've lost his nose!? (listens) If you don't fix him, you will be  
  
on the receiving end of my Soul Reaver! (listens) Why yes, that does equal a very  
  
painful way to test if you have anything wrong with your prostate! (listens) Yes, I'll kill  
  
you afterwards. Bye! (then Kain hangs up) (then he sighs) I REALLY shouldn't have told  
  
him to "fix" Zephon.  
  
Raziel: Our brother's gonna die...  
  
---------------------  
  
Take 20  
  
(then Kain walks into a section of roofless castle-wannabes and sees Raziel, who is  
  
Moebius, and Vorador with his head in a guillotine)  
  
Vorador: Not again. This'll be the sec-  
  
Kain: WAIT! What's Vorador doing here!?  
  
Vorador: Well, I have to reprise my role.  
  
Kain: Then who's taking care of Zephon!?  
  
Vorador: (alarmed) Oh, yeah, I forgot! (then Vorador rushes out)  
  
-------------------  
  
Take 28  
  
Hash'ak'git: (with a very proud and poetic voice, odd for someone like the demon he  
  
was playing as) You though yourself as king when you were a pawn? You have served  
  
me vwell!  
  
Kain: I didn't think I was a king. Now what's your name?  
  
Hash'ak'git: Hash'ak'git!  
  
Kain: Wow! How do you remember that name!? You sound like a footballer clearing his  
  
nose!  
  
________________________________________________  
  
Unfortunately, this will end soon, but it has been fun. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter and don't forget to review! 


	15. The Endings

Disclaimer: Why am I still doing this? I know I won't get sued. Oh well, I don't own LoK  
  
or any other characters pretty much  
  
_______________________________________  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene isn't the Pillars, but in fact it's the hospital where Vorador's  
  
currently a gynecologist  
  
(Kain stormed in along with the lieutenants and Kain immediately went to the  
  
receptionist, while Dumah went around and made fun of all the sick people)  
  
Kain: I wish to see Vorador.  
  
Receptionist: Reason?  
  
Kain: I want to kick his ass.  
  
Receptionist: Ah, well we get that a lot. I'll get him out here.  
  
Dumah: (squealing with delight) (to Turel) Turel, look!  
  
(Turel looked at who Dumah was pointing to)  
  
Turel: And?  
  
Dumah: Look! It's Gidget!  
  
Turel: Gidget?  
  
Dumah: You know, Gidget! The Taco Bell chihuahua!  
  
Turel: And?  
  
Dumah: Gidget! I absolutely LOVE him!  
  
Turel: Actually, it's a bitch.  
  
Dumah: DON'T CALL HIM A BITCH!  
  
Turel: No, I mean she's literally a bitch. You know, a female dog.  
  
Dumah: Yeah right. If Gidget was a female dog, then how come Gidget dreams about  
  
girls? (then Dumah thinks about something) If Gidget dreams about female girls and  
  
Gidget is female...then Gidget is a lesbian! Hot damn, that makes things better!  
  
Turel: (sighs because Dumah can be really stupid sometimes, then thinks up something  
  
really mean) Hey, Dumah, maybe you and the dog could find a woman and start a  
  
threesome.  
  
Dumah: THAT'S THE BEST IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!  
  
(then Dumah rushed over the Gidget)  
  
Dumah: Hey Gidget, what're you doin'?  
  
Gidget: Oh great, do you want an autograph too?  
  
Dumah: (squeals with delight again) Can I sign your boob?  
  
Turel: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Gidget: What are you, some sort of sick bastard?  
  
Dumah: That's a 'no' then huh? Hey, maybe we can do something together!  
  
Gidget: Actually there is someone I need dead.  
  
Dumah: Who?  
  
Gidget: That stupid lizard.  
  
Dumah: (squeals) That Geico gecko!? Wow!  
  
(back with Kain and the receptionist...)  
  
Kain: When will he be here?  
  
Receptionist: He's probably assing about. He is terrible!  
  
Kain: Really...  
  
Receptionist: Yeah. He thought woman had prostates.  
  
Kain: ...I don't think I needed to know that.  
  
Raziel: (sees the receptionist, then took an a sassy tone) We-ell. Where have you been  
  
all my unlife?  
  
Receptionist: What?  
  
Raziel: Is that a mirror in your pocket?  
  
Receptionist: ???  
  
Raziel: Because I can see myself in your pants.  
  
Receptionist: (irritated sigh)  
  
Raziel: What's the tag on your shirt say? I bet it says 'Made in Heaven.'  
  
Receptionist: Oh my lord.  
  
Kain: Yes?  
  
Raziel: Heaven isn't quite bright tonight, because it's missing its most beauuuutiful  
  
angel.  
  
(then an attractive woman walks by Raziel and Raziel stops her)  
  
Raziel: (to Attractive Woman) Heaven isn't quite bright tonight, because it's missing its  
  
most beauuuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful angel.  
  
(then Vorador walks in with a chef's apron on)  
  
Kain: What's with the apron?  
  
Vorador: I thought I'd cook some burgers while operating. I'm seeing if I can do two  
  
things at once.  
  
Kain: Riiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
Vorador: I've lost my burger. (sees Melchiah's arm fall off) NURSE, GET THAT MAN A  
  
DOCTOR!  
  
Kain: No, everyone, it's okay! It happens all the time! (to Vorador) How about a  
  
handshake?  
  
Vorador: Sure.  
  
(then when Vorador reaches for Kain's hand, Kain puts him in a headlock)  
  
Kain: I want a straight answer! Is Zephon a man or a vegetable!?  
  
Vorador: Um, I forgot how to tell male from female!  
  
(then Kain gives him a nuggie)  
  
Kain: Not so snarky now huh?  
  
Vorador: What's snarky mean?  
  
(then Kain starts punching Vorador's head)  
  
Kain: I bet you can't tell a vibrator from a pop sickle!  
  
Vorador: You gotta admit, they do look a lot alike!  
  
Kain: Wrong!  
  
(then Kain throws Vorador across the room)  
  
Receptionist: It's always the same-old same-old around here. Every day someone beats  
  
up Vorador for screwing up.  
  
Vorador: Ow, my eye!  
  
Kain: Show me Zephon!  
  
(then Vorador leads Kain and the lieutenants to Zephon's room)  
  
Kain: (looking at Zephon) What's that?  
  
Vorador: Oh sorry, I must've accidentally dropped a skittle in him. (Vorador gets the  
  
skittle out of Zephon)  
  
Rahab: Where is hisith nose?  
  
Vorador: Oh yeah, I forgot about that!  
  
Dumah: I don't think we need to see below his chest...  
  
Vorador: Oh, it really is fascinating!  
  
Turel: (gravely) His nose isn't the only thing missing...  
  
Kain: Vorador, either you get him back to his original self, or I'll cut off your private  
  
parts with a pair of hedge-clippers.  
  
Vorador: Okay, I think I can do that.  
  
(so everyone waits in the waiting room for little over an hour and occasionally hearing  
  
outbursts like:)  
  
Vorador's voice: Oops. Oh twiddly-dee! That doesn't go there. Ow, that's sharp! Where  
  
does this go?  
  
(...and about half an hour later Vorador comes in with red on his apron)  
  
Kain: You got him to bleed!?  
  
Vorador: No, this is where is spilled my catsup. Follow me.  
  
(so they all follow Vorador to Zephon's room and Zephon's as good as new)  
  
Vorador: Unfortunately, I've got a few spare parts.  
  
Kain: Anything else I need to know?  
  
Vorador: Oh yes, in case anyone asks, he could always says "I was once temporarily a  
  
eunuch, but I'm better now and I'm not anymore."  
  
Kain: (evil glare to Vorador) (then Kain tackles Vorador and beats the crap outta him)  
  
Zephon: (yawning) Hey guys, where am I?  
  
Turel: Don't you remember anything that's happened?  
  
Zephon: Um, nope.  
  
Dumah: How can you forget?  
  
Zephon: I think my wonderful doctor gave me some kind of anti-memory drug.  
  
Raziel: Wonderful doctor!? Kain!  
  
Kain: (getting up from beating up Vorador) What?  
  
Raziel: Vorador made Zephon think that Vorador was a wonderful doctor!  
  
Kain: (to Vorador) What'd you do now?  
  
Vorador: I just tried my hypnotizism.  
  
Kain: That doesn't ever work!  
  
Zephon: (to Vorador) You've been a wonderful doctor!  
  
Vorador: (to Kain) See? (sees Kain glare at him) (in a pitiful voice) Oh, please don't hurt  
  
me! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE don't hurt me.  
  
Kain: Get him back to normal!  
  
Vorador: Okay. (then Vorador moves to Zephon and takes out a watch) Follow the  
  
watch. Follow the watch. FOLLOW THE WATCH! Now you are getting sleepy. You can  
  
barely keep your eyes open. When I snap, you sleep. (Vorador snaps)  
  
Zephon: Zzzzzzz.  
  
Rahab: Zzzzzzz.  
  
Kain: (irritated sigh)  
  
Vorador: Want me to do something to Rahab?  
  
Kain: No, leave Rehab alone. (to Dumah) Wake Rehab up.  
  
Dumah: All right. (Dumah gets a bucket, finds a sink, and dumps water all over Rahab.  
  
But Rahab doesn't wake up!) Wha? He won't wake up!  
  
Kain: Damn it Vorador, you had to screw up aga-heeeey. I've got a cunning plan.  
  
Vorador: (Kain whispers something to Vorador) Oh, okay. When I snap my finger again,  
  
Zephon will remember what happened and Rehab, I mean Rahab will no longer be a  
  
rabbi. (then Vorador snaps)  
  
Rahab: (wakes up) What in the hell of a is goin' on here?  
  
Dumah: What in the hell of a?  
  
Rahab: (feels the water) OW! DRIBBLES BURN!  
  
Zephon: Where's the idiot Vorador? He can't cut a piece of paper, much less a body  
  
part correctly.  
  
Rahab: OW! (then Rahab is in so much pain that he falls on Zephon's body, making his  
  
bed roll and wobble and making it roll to the window)  
  
Zephon: Oh hell no! IF I'M GOING DOWN, VORADOR'S COMING WITH ME!  
  
(then, since the bed rolled past Vorador, Zephon grabbed onto Vorador, who also fell  
  
onto the bed and the bed rolled out the 2nd floor window)  
  
Zephon's voice: Geronimo!  
  
Kain: (turning to Dumah with an evil snarl) (sarcastically) WELL, THANKS A LOT  
  
RAZIEL!  
  
Raziel: (disbelief) Wha? Me? Wha? Dumah? He? I? Unfair.  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND GET REHAB WET, DIDN'T YOU!?  
  
Raziel: Wha? Me? Him. Me? Dumah. Unfair. (then Kain left to the Pillars)  
  
Dumah: Whew, that was a close one.  
  
Raziel: THAT'S NO FAIR! MY DADDY HATES ME!  
  
Dumah: And I'm the favorite. Man, unlife is good!  
  
Raziel: No fair...  
  
Turel: Hey, Dumah, you can't leave without an autograph from your idol, can you?  
  
Dumah: Oh yeah! (then Dumah rushes to the waiting room and finds Gidget) Gidget,  
  
it's been fun. (then Turel walks in) But this just isn't right. Another time, maybe. Please  
  
understand.  
  
Turel: ...  
  
Dumah: Goodbye. (then all but Turel leaves)  
  
Gidget: Man, that guy was a freak.  
  
Turel: Yep. (tosses Gidget a penny) Here's a penny for your troubles. See you, space  
  
chihuahua. (then Turel leaves)  
  
Gidget: Space chihuahua?  
  
  
  
  
  
The scene is now the Pillars and the fight between Kain and Turel, who is  
  
Hash, has now begun. Rahab, Zephon, and Vorador are in bandages  
  
Kain: (looking for Turel, dressed as Hash) Where are you?  
  
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): (tunneling up from the ground) Hahahahaha! Now I'll stand here  
  
motionless like some retard while you hit me.  
  
Kain: (hitting Turel, who's Hash'ak'git) Die! I would say your name, but it's harder to  
  
remember than the name of most of the towns here!  
  
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): Ow! Ow! Ow, you can stop hitting me now. Of course, it doesn't  
  
help that I'm standing here like a retard, letting you hit me. Ow!  
  
(then Turel tunneled under ground)  
  
Kain: Where are you, you coward! Come on up!  
  
(so Turel came on up...right under Kain)  
  
Kain: Ow, that hurt you a-hole!  
  
Turel (as Hash'ak'git): Get on up-ah, get on up-ah.  
  
Kain: (getting up and charging at Turel) Yahhhh!!!!  
  
(then Kain totally unloaded on Turel till he was defeated and Zephon, as Ariel  
  
appeared)  
  
Kain: What perfect timing, right AFTER I beat the big, mean, scary thing.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (in a manly voice-just picture Ariel sounding like Mr. T and you'll  
  
have the voice Zephon's doing) Sorry, I was grooming my back hairs. Oh, and guess  
  
what? You're the final Pillar guardian!  
  
Kain: Wow. That fate of Nosgoth is at my whim.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Oh, crap.  
  
  
  
  
  
Then Rahab puts a black piece of paper in front of the camera and the piece  
  
  
  
of paper says "Here's what could have happened"  
  
Dumah (v.o.): The "Kain's not so bad after all" ending.  
  
Kain: Ahem, what to do, what to do? Either kill myself or damn Nosgoth.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Hurry up!  
  
Kain: I'm hurrying. Let's see, Nosgoth is mighty pretty.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): ?  
  
Kain: You know what? I think I've decided to die for the good of Nosgoth. Hoorah!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Hoorah, foo'!  
  
Kain: I mean, this place is so BEAUTIFUL! I must return it to its former glory! It's so  
  
beautiful, just like duck tape.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Huh, foo'! Just die, I pity foo's like you!  
  
Kain: Good-bye sweet Nosgoth.  
  
(then Kain stabbed himself through the chest with the Soul Reaver and dramatic music  
  
played till Kain realized there was something strange going on)  
  
Kain: (standing there with the Soul Reaver impaled through him) Um, something isn't  
  
quite right here.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (was making plans for a funeral and cheering cause Kain was dead,  
  
but then found out that Kain was still present) (cue Mr. T voice) Wha? Why aren't you  
  
dead!? Are you too stupid to know how to die, foo'!?  
  
Kain: Um...I should be dead.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (with Mr. T voice) Let me see! (so Zephon takes the Soul Reaver out  
  
of Kian and stabs Kain 100 times)  
  
Kain: (after being stabbed 100 times) Ow.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (as Mr. T and outraged) NOW WHAT YOU DOIN' STILL ALIVE, FOO'!  
  
Kain: I don't know.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (cue Mr. T voice) Let me try something.  
  
(so Zephon picked up Kain and rammed Kain headfirst into the Pillar of Death)  
  
Kain: Ow. That didn't kill me but it hurt a lot.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Why won't you die! Stop being selfish! (then Zephon  
  
gets out a trombone and smacks Kain in the head with it)  
  
Kain: Stop it! That doesn't work!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Oh. (hits him in the head with the trombone again)  
  
Kain: Ariel!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (hits him again with the trombone)  
  
Kain: Ariel! That's not working! We'll have to find another way!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Yes, I suppose you're right. (hits him again)  
  
Kain: Ariel!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) Sorry, I thought it'd work if I caught you by surprise.  
  
Kain: If you want a job done properly, you've got to do it yourself.  
  
(so Kain went over to the Pillar of Death and he'd rear his head back and then smack it  
  
into the Pillar, and each time he'd rear his head back, Zephon would hit his head with  
  
the trombone, then Kain would smack his head onto the Pillar, and that same pattern  
  
would continue until Kain realized this might not be working)  
  
Kain: (heavy sigh)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) What's that on your armor?  
  
Kain: (looks at a button on his armor) Oh, it's a self-destruct button! (he pushes the  
  
button) Hey, now my suit lights up! Nea-  
  
(BOOM!)  
  
(then everything started to become pretty again)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (Mr. T voice) He was an idiot and a loser in death, but after death,  
  
he was still considered an idiot and a loser, so I guess that wasn't worth it.  
  
  
  
  
  
Then the black paper comes up again saying "Here's what could have  
  
happened"  
  
Dumah (v.o.): The "Let's all beat the crap out of Vorador" ending.  
  
Kain: Hm, should I die or live?  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): I think you should die!  
  
Kain: That's mean!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): But I know someone else who should die more!  
  
Kain: Do you mean...  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Yes, I do!  
  
Kain and Zephon (as Ariel): Let's kill Vorador instead!  
  
Zephon: Yippee, hooray!  
  
Rahab: (stepping up to the set) Let's kill him!  
  
Kain: We can pretend he's me and then when he dies, the Pillars will be restored!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel) I'll fetch him!  
  
Kain: That's my girl!  
  
(then Zephon goes and fetches Vorador)  
  
Kain: Yay, you're here.  
  
Vorador: I've got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.  
  
Rahab: That's probably indigestion.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): You have nothing to worry about.  
  
(then they all gang up on him and beat the crap outta him)  
  
Vorador: (while getting beat up) Ow, my eye!  
  
Rahab: I'll kill you! (hits Vorador)  
  
Vorador: Ow, that's my eye again!  
  
Kain: You're an asshole just like me! (punches Vorador)  
  
Vorador: My eye again!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): You filthy, perverted dip-dong! (hits Vorador)  
  
Vorador: You're gonna kill my eye!  
  
(then someone 'accidentally' knocked Vorador's head off)  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oops.  
  
Vorador's head: Aw damn it, not again.  
  
Kain: (brightens up because he just had an idea) Let's offer his body to the Pillars!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Awesome idea!  
  
(the Vorador's body was offered and it restored the Pillars)  
  
Vorador's head: Aw crap, now how am I gonna get around the place?  
  
Rahab: Let's go bowling! I bet I can find my own custom bowling ball!  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
Vorador's head: I got a feeling that this is not gonna be pretty.  
  
  
  
  
  
Once again, there's a black piece of paper that says "Here's what could have  
  
  
  
  
  
happened"  
  
  
  
Dumah (v.o.): The "Indecisive" ending.  
  
Kain: Hm, rule or damn.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Hurry up.  
  
Kain: Wait a minute! I think I'll choose...to die!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Really!?  
  
Kain: Um...no. I think I might damn Nosgoth.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (disappointed) Really?  
  
Kain: Er...maybe. Hm, I don't know.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Hurry up, I don't want to be here all day!  
  
Kain: I've decided! I'm gonna go eat!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): No no no no no no, you have to choose first!  
  
Kain: I'll choose when I get back, I promise!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Don't be long!  
  
Kain: I won't.  
  
(50 days later)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): I hate that bastard Kain.  
  
(then Kain strolled by the Pillars)  
  
Kain: Oh yeah, I forgot all about this place!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): HOW CAN YOU FORGET ABOUT THIS PLACE!? THE MOST  
  
IMPORTANT PLACE IN NOSGOTH!!  
  
Kain: Easy. I was drunk.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): (not really caring anymore) GOOD! DON'T CARE! NOW DECIDE!  
  
Kain: Um, I don't know...  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): ARGHHHHHHHHH!!! (then Zephon, as Ariel, got tired of Kain and  
  
killed Kain) Hey, I've just killed Kain! That should restore Nosgoth!  
  
(but Nosgoth didn't change...at all. No, that's a lie, something that did change is  
  
that a plant grew, but Janos ate it)  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Aw damn it! I guess killing him wouldn't change Nosgoth. (to Kain's  
  
dead body) Sorry, my bad!  
  
  
  
  
  
You get the drift. Black paper saying "Here's what could have happened"  
  
  
  
Dumah (v.o.): The "Future Assassins" ending.  
  
Kain: Hm, save or damn it.  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Don't curse like that!  
  
Kain: Sorry.  
  
(then the lieutenants appeared holding a portable Time Streaming Device)  
  
Kain: Who are you?  
  
Raziel: We came here to kill you so you don't get me to kill us after I die!  
  
Kain: I've gone cross-eyed.  
  
Janos (as Future Zephon): (seeing Zephon, playing as Ariel) Is this Ariel? She's  
  
beautiful.  
  
Dumah: If we kill you, we won't die!  
  
Turel: You know, all we have to do is kill Raziel before Raziel does.  
  
Kain: What the hell's going on?  
  
Rahab: Well, yeah.  
  
Turel: Let's kill Razzyboy!  
  
Melchiah: Yay!  
  
Raziel: Don't call me Razzyboy!  
  
Dumah: Come on Zephon, let's go!  
  
Janos (as Future Zephon): Can I take this beautiful creature named Ariel with me?  
  
Raziel: Sure. Let's kill me everyone!  
  
Turel: Hoorah! Let's kill Razzyboy!  
  
(then everyone disappears, including Zephon as Ariel, but excluding Kain)  
  
Raziel's voice: Don't call me Razzyboy!  
  
Kain: What the hell just happened? I'm confused. Now what am I gonna do with  
  
Nosgoth! Oh sh&#!  
  
  
  
  
  
Black piece of paper, but this time it says "But this is what really happened"  
  
  
  
Dumah (v.o.): The "Real" ending.  
  
Kain: You know, this place really sucks!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): What?  
  
Kain: This place sucks badly. Everyone here wants to kill me! I can't even get a drink!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): There is more to life than getting drunk.  
  
Kain: Pfft! Yeah right! Plus, sumo-wrestlers are stupid! I damn you all!  
  
Zephon (as Ariel): Wait! If you love me, you won't destroy this place.  
  
Kain: Oh good. THIS PLACE IS GOING DOWN!  
  
(then Kain destroys the Pillars, and are soon using them as a throne)  
  
Kain: Vorador was right for a change. We are dark gods. Humans are food. Any  
  
questions? Oh, and I told you I didn't do it! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (then he  
  
chokes on the blood-in-a-glass) Hack, hack, kack...I meant to do that.  
  
THE END!  
  
The Cast:  
  
Kain the Excellent: Kain  
  
Nupraptor: Melchiah  
  
Malek the Sarafan: Jano Audrey  
  
Moebius: ???  
  
Ariel: Zephon the Stupid  
  
Mortanius: Dumah  
  
Bane the Antler-head: Rehab  
  
Hash'sonething'something: Turel  
  
Vorador: Vorador the Perverted Smelly Old Bastard  
  
Everyone else: Anyone else  
  
Copywrong  
  
Kain films presentation  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
Raziel: (seeing the cast) Where's my name!  
  
Kain: (sarcastically) Oh oops.  
  
Raziel: I'm gonna put my name up on there!  
  
Dumah: I'm gonna be a star!  
  
Zephon: What should I wear to the opening?  
  
Kain: A guy's clothes.  
  
Rahab: This will be my leading role in my career.  
  
Kain: Rehab, you were a nerd before the filming, and still afterwards, you'll be a famous  
  
nerd like Bill Gates.  
  
Melchiah: Any words of encouragement for me?  
  
Kain: No. You were horrible.  
  
Janos: And me?  
  
Kain: No. I hate you. Come on everyone, let's go!  
  
Raziel: Haha, my name's in the credits now!  
  
(so then everyone leaves and all the lights are out, and sitting in a lonely corner is  
  
Vorador's head)  
  
Vorador's head: Hey, anybody, somebody, y'all forgot about me! Hey, I can talk, I  
  
thought my vocal cords were in my body! And I can breath too! Neat-o freat- o! (then  
  
Vorador's head feels something) Uh-oh. I've got an ITCH ON MY HEAD! Help someone!  
  
It needs to be scratched! Someone, my head itches! (sighs) I hate Kain.  
  
_____________________________________________  
  
This was the last Blood Omen 1 chapter, but don't go anywhere cause there are still 2  
  
more chapters to come! Don't forget to review! 


	16. The Opening

Disclaimer: I do own LoK and its characters! Fooled you! I really don't  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
The scene was inside a limo that was heading to the opening. Kain was just  
  
sitting down dealing with the hyperactivity in the vehicle  
  
Zephon: (bouncing up and down on the soft seat) I'm hyper!  
  
Kain: (annoyed) Listen, Zephon, I know you're excited about being in a movie, but  
  
COULD YOU PLEASE STOP BEING SO HYPER!  
  
Zephon: I'm not hyper about the movie!  
  
Kain: Then what are you hyper about!  
  
Zephon: Being in a LIMO!!  
  
Kain: (heavy sigh)  
  
Zephon: Hey Kain, let's play 'Spot the Limo'!  
  
Kain: Zephon, I really hate you.  
  
Zephon: (looking at one of the portable rear-view windows that stick to a door)  
  
(Zephon sees himself and the limo he's in but doesn't know its him or his limo) I'VE  
  
SPOTTED A LIMO!  
  
Kain: You are so truly idiotic. Tell me, did Vorador remove your brain?  
  
Zephon: (laughs a lot and sees himself, not realizing it's himself) Hey, this dude is  
  
hanging his head out a limo! He looks like such a dork! And he laughs like a retard!  
  
Kain, you've gotta see this! There's a total stupid idiot in this limo that I see!  
  
Kain: Don't worry, I see the stupid idiot. (then Kain turnes the other way to see  
  
Melchiah hanging out the other window) Melchiah, what are you doing?  
  
Melchiah: You know how dogs stick their heads out of windows?  
  
Kain: (irritated) Yeeeeees...  
  
Melchiah: Well, I'm doing that!  
  
Kain: Get yourself in!  
  
Melchiah: Why? What's the worst that could happen? (then Melchiah's arm hits a sign,  
  
making his arm fly off) Uh-oh.  
  
Kain: (irritated) Melchiah, did what I think just happen happen?  
  
Melchiah: Driver, stop the car!  
  
Zephon: LIMO! THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE A TOTAL STUPID!  
  
Kain: Driver?  
  
Turel: (who is driving) Yes, Kain?  
  
Kain: Go faster.  
  
Melchiah: What about my arm?  
  
Kain: Get it yourself. (then Kain "accidentally" knocks Melchiah out the window) (grins)  
  
Yes, something good at last.  
  
(then Kain tries to lay back and relax, but he hears talking in one of the many back  
  
seats)  
  
Kain: What's that?  
  
Raziel: (talking on a cell phone) Yeah. Yeah. So that explains it? Do they need an actor?  
  
They do! Awesome! I can do it! What do you mean no! You don't know who I am? I am  
  
Raziel, son of Kain! Yes, son of a bastard...  
  
Kain: What are you doing?  
  
Raziel: (to Kain) Discussing my movie rights. (back to the cell phone) What? Who's  
  
sponsoring me? Coca-Cola? Who else? (to Kain) Hey, Kain, "Coca-Cola", "Instant Blood  
  
in a Jar", "Yum-Yum Pickles", and "Old Navy" wants to sponsor me!  
  
Kain: (disgusted) Old Navy? Those hippy commercials?  
  
Janos: (negotiating with Raziel) I love those Old Navy commercials! Takes me back to  
  
when I was young.  
  
Kain: Being in an Old Navy commercial is my worst nightmare, but you embrace it?  
  
Raziel: Of course. It's more than just a commercial for hippies you know. It's a  
  
statement. It's a sign of dignity. It symbolizes freedom. It leads us all into a prosperous  
  
new millennium. Those Old Navy commercials symbolizes that we can be anything we  
  
wanna be. It shows us that we can pursue happiness. It shows us that it's not what our  
  
country can do for us, but what we can do for our country. (Raziel salutes)  
  
Janos: (salutes)  
  
Kain: (annoyed sigh) People dressed as hippy farmers with overall's on and an old  
  
woman and her dog symbolize all that?  
  
Raziel: I firmly believe! For we are about to embark upon the great crusade!  
  
Kain: I hate you so much, Razzyboy.  
  
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!  
  
Kain: Any who, where's my FAVORITE son Dumah?  
  
Raziel: (feelings hurt) On top of the car.  
  
Zephon: IT'S A LIMO! HEY, RAZ, COME SEE THIS TOTAL DUMBASS HANGING HIS  
  
HEAD OUT THE WINDOW OF A LIMO! I CAN SEE I CLEARLY IN THE REAR-VIEW  
  
MIRROR!  
  
Janos: Don't worry Raziel. My shoulder's free to cry on.  
  
(Kain opens up the window-thingy on the roof of the car and sees Dumah's on the top  
  
of the car flipping everyone he sees off)  
  
Kain: (to Dumah) Dumah, usually I would say you're the best son ever for doing  
  
something as bastardly as this, but this time you need to stop! I don't want bad  
  
publicity!  
  
Dumah: Publicity! Ha! (flips off some more random people)  
  
Kain: Well-  
  
(Kain then hears yelling and Kain goes back into the car)  
  
Kain: What's going on?  
  
Janos: Raziel cried on my shoulder, and his tears BURNED!  
  
Raziel: Janos told me I could!  
  
(then Kain and the others feel the limo shake)  
  
Kain: Turel, what was that?  
  
Turel: That was Umah knocking into us on her motorcycle!  
  
Kain: (irritated) Why?  
  
Turel: Don't know.  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) Zephon, what'd you do now!?  
  
Zephon: I didn't do anything!  
  
(then Kain goes on the roof of the limo and sees Umah and Dumah's still flipping  
  
random people off)  
  
Kain: What's wrong now Umah!  
  
Umah: (pointing at Dumah) That bastard son of yours flipped me off!  
  
(then Kain goes back into the car)  
  
Kain: Why'd you flip off Umah, Raziel!  
  
Raziel: What? I've just been here talking with Janos!  
  
Kain: Then who could she be talking about!  
  
(so Kain gets back on the roof)  
  
Kain: Who are you talking about?  
  
Umah: Dumah, you retard!  
  
Kain: Oh. Well that's fine then because Dumah is my favorite son!  
  
Janos: (from inside the limo) It burns! Don't cry on my shoulder!  
  
Umah: Make him apologize!  
  
Kain: No!  
  
Umah: Then get Vorador out here, I need to bitch at him about something!  
  
(then Kain goes back into the limo)  
  
Kain: (to Turel) Turel, back up. We left someone at the Pillars!  
  
Turel: Okay...  
  
(so Turel turned the limo around and drove the other way, leaving Umah to wonder  
  
what was going on. Too bad she didn't have her eyes on the road and ran into a dam.  
  
So Turel drove all the way back to the Pillars, picking up all of Melchiah's pieces on the  
  
way back)  
  
(the scene is now the Pillars again)  
  
Kain: (rushing in) We forgot someone!  
  
Vorador's head: Thank you for coming to save me. I've got an itch behind my left ear.  
  
Kian: Okay, we're coming to get you!  
  
(the scene is the limo again and Kain and the others are rushing to the opening so they  
  
won't be late. They also got who they had forgotten to get)  
  
Kain: I'm glad Umah reminded me. Now I've got Vorador back. (when Kain says  
  
Vorador, he of course means his Vorador voodoo doll) I wonder if these things actually  
  
work.  
  
(then a little while later, they were all pulled other by the Sarafan)  
  
Dean Earwicker (Sarafan who pulled them over) Do you know why I pulled you over?  
  
Turel: Because I was going 30 miles over the speed limit and Dumah flipped you off?  
  
Dean Earwicker: Nope. It's because I wanna go too.  
  
Turel: Um...no.  
  
(then they speed off again)  
  
Dean Earwicker: What a guy.  
  
(then they finally arrive at the opening, where 5 whole people await)  
  
Kain: (stepping out of the limo disappointed) Hello people.  
  
Peasant 1: Are you Cher?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Peasant 1: Oh. Then who gives a crap about you? (then as Peasant 1 walks off, Kain  
  
Immolates him)  
  
Dell dude: (to Kain) Dude, you're getting a Dell!  
  
Kain: No I'm not.  
  
Dell dude: (picking up Kain) You better get a Dell or I'll slit your throat!  
  
Kain: (getting put back down) Okay, I'll get a Dell.  
  
Dell dude: Dude, you're getting a Dell!  
  
(then Dell dude walked off, leaving only 3 people at the opening. Then everyone else  
  
got out of the limo)  
  
Peasant 2: (to Kain) Are there any naked people in this film?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Peasant 2: Then it won't be showed in any film festival. Good-bye. (then Peasant 2  
  
walks off and Kain kills him too, leaving only 2 people)  
  
Kain: (to the other two) Okay, if you two walk away, you're dead!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Hey, we're Sarafan Lord and Morlock.  
  
Morlock: Yeah, we're the ones that gives films 2 thumbs up if we like it!  
  
(then the Seer drives up)  
  
Seer: (seeing Melchiah) My Melchiah-Welchiah!  
  
Melchiah: (hugging the Seer) It's my Seer!  
  
Dumah: (laughing) Melchiah-Welchiah!?  
  
Seer: Go on in the theatre, I'll be with you in a minute!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Yes, let's all go watch this film!  
  
(then everyone goes in except Dumah and the Seer)  
  
Seer: Have you been naughty to Melchiah?  
  
Dumah: No, I've been a good boy.  
  
Seer: Yes you have!  
  
(then the Seer and Dumah make out! Raziel comes out to see what's taking the Seer  
  
and Dumah so long to come inside. Raziel sees them making out)  
  
Raziel: O_O  
  
Dumah: (just now noticing Raziel) Oh sh*#...  
  
Raziel: I'M BLIND!  
  
Seer: It's not what it looks like! We weren't making out!  
  
Raziel: Then explain!  
  
Dumah: Um...er...uh...ah ha! She was hurt and I was helping her!  
  
Raziel: Then why was your tongue in her!  
  
Seer: Strained tongue. He was helping loosen it!  
  
Raziel: You must think I'm really stupid, don't you?  
  
Dumah: Come on, don't tell Melchiah!  
  
Raziel: Why not!  
  
Seer: Would you be able to live with the grief?  
  
Raziel: What grief!  
  
Seer: The grief you'd have because you made me lose Dumah?  
  
Raziel: Um...  
  
Seer: Who helped you when you needed help when you were filming?  
  
Raziel: You did.  
  
Seer: Who helped you get closer to Kain?  
  
Raziel: You...  
  
Seer: So will you tell him?  
  
Raziel: No...  
  
(so Raziel went back in the theatre. A few minutes later Turel came out and saw them  
  
making out near the front doors)  
  
Turel: (heavy sigh) If you're gonna cheat on him, at least do it where you won't be  
  
found!  
  
Dumah: Sorry. My idea to make out here. Thought it would be exciting.  
  
Turel: You know I'm gonna have to tell Melchiah.  
  
Seer: But what about me?  
  
Turel: What about you?  
  
Seer: Would you be able to live with yourself?  
  
Turel: Huh?  
  
Seer: Who?  
  
Turel: But...  
  
Seer: Watchin'.  
  
Turel: How?  
  
Seer: Blowpop.  
  
Turel: Chep.  
  
Seer: Ownyak.  
  
Turel: (nodding cause he understood what they just said to each other) Oh, okay.  
  
(then Turel also went back into the theatre)  
  
Dumah: What was that!  
  
Seer: I'm not sure myself.  
  
(then Zephon came out eating pudding)  
  
Zephon: No one will find my pudding here. (sees Melchiah and Seer making out)  
  
Seer: Uh-oh. I'm out of excuses.  
  
Dumah: Don't worry, he's an idiot.  
  
Zephon: (looking at them, then his pudding, then them, then pudding) I love banana  
  
pudding.  
  
(then Zephon goes back in the theatre. Then Dumah and Seer both went into the  
  
theatre, but 1 at a time so as not to arouse suspension)  
  
Kain: Where have you 2 been?  
  
Raziel: Dumb hozers.  
  
(everyone stares at him)  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Sarafan Lord: Now can we watch the film?  
  
Morlock: Yeah.  
  
Kain: Yes you can. I call it "Blood Omen 1."  
  
Sarafan Lord: So there's gonna be a sequel?  
  
Kain: Oh yes.  
  
Raziel: I wasn't told about this!  
  
Kain: Well now you know Razzyboy.  
  
Sarafan Lord and Morlock: And knowing is half the battle. G.I. JOE!!!  
  
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!  
  
Sarafan Lord: Since there's gonna be a sequel, I'm already gonna give this a thumbs  
  
up!  
  
Morlock: That's not fair! Sequels are never as good! Thumb down.  
  
Kain: Just watch the movie! I wish more people would've shown up though.  
  
(then Peasant 3 entered)  
  
Peasant 3: Hello, this movie looked cool so I showed up.  
  
(then the movie started. Kain was at first nervous, but as time went by, more and lots  
  
more people showed up)  
  
Melchiah: (while watching where he was Nupraptor and speaking to Seer) ...and  
  
that's why I think we should get married.  
  
Seer: Oh, okay. I'll be right back, I've gotta use the dead ladies' room. (then Seer got  
  
up and went over to Dumah) Hello.  
  
Dumah: Hi. (then they made out)  
  
(well, as the movie progressed Kain got a lot less nervous and half of Nosgoth had  
  
attended by then to watch the movie)  
  
Kain: I am such a great actor!  
  
Raziel: You think you're great? Wait till you see me!  
  
(then the scene got to where Raziel had to talk to himself as Moebius)  
  
Kain: Huh? I don't remember this.  
  
Raziel: This happened while you were away. Me squared. Man, I'm gonna be the next  
  
movie star!  
  
(then the movie got to some wired scene that nobody remembered)  
  
Kain (in the movie): We've got to fight for what we believe in. Killing humans is wrong  
  
and I'm not gonna do it anymore!  
  
Faustus: (somehow in the movie) I think that's a grand idea! Let's all become  
  
vegetarians!  
  
Kain (in the movie): Yippee!  
  
Kain: (to Raziel) Were we drunk at this time?  
  
Raziel: I don't know, but I sure as hell don't remember this.  
  
Zephon: Dude, I'm so having a good time right now. Watching a movie, hanging with  
  
my bros, and eating banana pudding. Ahh, unlife is good!  
  
Dumah: Banana pudding sucks. (actually Dumah loved banana pudding, but he was  
  
just saying this to piss off Zephon)  
  
Zephon: Banana pudding DOES NOT SUCK! (then Zephon attacked Dumah)  
  
Kain: (sighs) Raziel, now look what you've done!  
  
Raziel: Me!?  
  
(then they continue to watch the movie till they all find another part that they didn't  
  
recognize once again)  
  
Raziel (in the movie): And that is why I like Yum-Yum Pickles, so sour that you're  
  
guaranteed to choke yourself to death! I don't have a throat, so it's all good!  
  
Raziel: Did we cut scenes?  
  
Kain: I don't know, I don't recognize this one either.  
  
(then came the endings. Almost all of Nosgoth had attended and then the movie was  
  
over. Everyone was cheering)  
  
Sarafan Lord: I'm definitely giving this a thumbs up! What about you Morlock?  
  
Morlock: I'm giving it a thumbs up as well!  
  
Sarafan Lord and Morlock: Sarafan Lord and Morlock gives this movie two thumbs up!  
  
Elder God (another critic): (to Kain) THAT WAS THE SECOND BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER  
  
SEEN!  
  
Audience and practically everyone else: Yes, that was the second best movie we've ever  
  
seen!  
  
Dean Earwicker: Oranges float in water!  
  
Kain: (outraged) Second best!? What was the best!!!!?  
  
Elder God: The best movie ever is..."Can't Catch Me!" A powerful  
  
Romance/Comedy/Action-Adventure/Drama/Musical!  
  
Kain: (very PO'ed) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...  
  
Elder God: And that fantastic movie was made by Marcus!  
  
Zephon: I've noticed something. Pretty much no one in Nosgoth has a last name.  
  
Elder God: But this movie is still wonderful!  
  
Kain: Thank you. (Kain bends down to bow to him and his Vorador voodoo doll falls out  
  
of his pocket and lands in water)  
  
(then from far off everyone hears a scream)  
  
Vorador's voice: AHHH!!! IT BURNS! I'M NOW MISSING MY LEFT NOSTRIL!  
  
Kain: Uh-oh.  
  
(then everyone started taking pictures of everyone and an interviewer stepped up to  
  
Kain and asked him an important question)  
  
Interviewer: Kain, will there be a sequel?  
  
Kain: Well...my answer is-  
  
(Oops. Out of time! Will Melchiah ever find out about Dumah and Seer? Will there be a  
  
sequel? Will Vorador ever get his head on his body permanently? Will Kain ever stop  
  
being an asshole and blaming EVERYTHING BAD on Raziel? You will see in the thrilling  
  
conclusion to Kain Presents: Blood Omen 1 in the next chapter!)  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this fic. The next chapter will be the last, so don't forget  
  
to review. And all of you who did review...thanks. Hope you liked this chapter and  
  
don't forget to review! 


	17. The Thrilling Conclusion

Disclaimer: (monotonous tone) I don't own LoK or its characters. Why do I have to do this? _________________________________________________  
  
[LAST TIME ON KAIN PRESENTS: BLOOD OMEN 1:] (then Zephon came out eating pudding)  
  
Zephon: No one will find my pudding here. (sees Melchiah and Seer making out)  
  
Seer: Uh-oh. I'm out of excuses.  
  
Dumah: Don't worry, he's an idiot.  
  
Zephon: (looking at them, then his pudding, then them, then pudding) I love banana  
  
pudding.  
  
[AND...] Dumah: Banana pudding sucks. (actually Dumah loved banana pudding, but he was  
  
just saying this to piss off Zephon)  
  
Zephon: Banana pudding DOES NOT SUCK! (then Zephon attacked Dumah)  
  
Kain: (sighs) Raziel, now look what you've done!  
  
Raziel: Me!?  
  
[ALSO...] (then everyone started taking pictures of everyone and an interviewer stepped up to  
  
Kain and asked him an important question)  
  
Interviewer: Kain, will there be a sequel?  
  
Kain: Well...my answer is-  
  
[AND NOW, THE ANSWERS!]  
  
*The scene is the opening*  
  
  
  
Interviewer: Kain, will there be a sequel?  
  
Kain: Well...my answer is...no.  
  
Interviewer: No!?  
  
Lieutenants: No!?  
  
Vorador's voice: NO!!! IT BURNS!  
  
Interviewer: But this was extremely successful, why wouldn't you make a sequel!  
  
Raziel: Yeah, what's up with that!  
  
Kain: Well, with all this money I plan to build an amusement park!  
  
Zephon: Yippee! Will it be one of those water parks, I love those! Well, except for the  
  
fact that they burn.  
  
Kain: No. But if I make a sequel, I'd have no money left over for my amusement park.  
  
So if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get going.  
  
Raziel: (to Interviewer) Don't worry. I'll make him change his mind.  
  
(then all the lieutenants huddle and discuss a plan)  
  
Kain: (looking behind him and seeing the lieutenants huddle) What're they doing?  
  
Zephon: (to Raziel) ...and that's what we'll do?  
  
Raziel: Yep. Any questions?  
  
Dumah: It'll be just like that commercial with the pan smashing everything. I love  
  
smashing stuff. And breaking stuff. And killing stuff. And-  
  
Raziel: I don't care. Okay, one, two, three let's go!!!  
  
(then the lieutenants circle Kain)  
  
Kain: What're you up to?  
  
(then they start beating up Kain)  
  
Kain: Ow! That's my pancreas!  
  
Raziel: Say uncle! Say uncle!  
  
Dumah: Screw that! Say sire! Say sire!  
  
Rahab: So, are you gonna do a sequel?  
  
Kain: No!  
  
Zephon: Then I'm afraid we'll have to kick your ass.  
  
(then Janos walks in)  
  
Janos: Have I missed the opening?  
  
Raziel: Where have you been? I thought you got out of the limo with us!?  
  
Janos: As soon as I saw the Seer and Dumah making out, I decided to go to a strip  
  
club.  
  
Melchiah: WHAT!?  
  
Janos: A strip club. A club of stripping.  
  
Zephon: You hippy bastard. You forgot us.  
  
Melchiah: What!?  
  
Zephon: I said "Y-o-u h-i-p-p-y b-a-s-t-a-r-d."  
  
Melchiah: I'm talking about Dumah and Seer!  
  
Interviewer: I know this is a bad time to ask, but is there gonna be a sequel?  
  
Raziel: (takes this opportunity since everyone's vulnerable) Yes there will be!  
  
Turel: Oh hoorah for that!  
  
Melchiah: Come on Dumah! You and me!  
  
Dumah: Why?  
  
Melchiah: Cause now you've hurt my feelings.  
  
Dumah: You sound like a little girl.  
  
Melchiah: Damn, he's right. I sound like a wimp!  
  
Zephon: Hey, hey, hey. I support women everywhere. Girls aren't wimps!  
  
Ariel: You tell him! (Ariel just appeared out of nowhere cause she's a ghost)  
  
Zephon: I believe we are equel!  
  
Dumah: Who cares!?  
  
Zephon: Good point.  
  
Melchiah: You and me Dumah!  
  
Seer: Wow, I'm being fought over! I must me pretty.  
  
(so then Dumah punches Melchiah, sending Melchiah's arm flying)  
  
Melchiah: Haha! No matter!  
  
(then Dumah punches off the other arm)  
  
Melchiah: Oh damn.  
  
(then Melchiah runs up and kicks Dumah in the head)  
  
Dumah: You've ruined my nose job, dammit!  
  
Dean Earwicker: Let's mob!  
  
(then everyone formed a mob and everyone was beating each other up. Raziel had  
  
decided he'd had enough and got on a box)  
  
Raziel: EVERYONE! (then everyone looked at Raziel) Don't you see what is happening?  
  
We are getting torn part for no good reason! Everyone's fighting and killing each other!  
  
This would NEVER happen on an Old Navy commercial! Why can't we all be loving and  
  
caring like the people in Old Navy commercials are? They get along all cheery and they  
  
never piss about and argue and look how cheerful they are! They enjoy their life! And if  
  
we can't be like those Old Navy people, then there's no point unliving. I know I  
  
wouldn't want to unlive if we couldn't be like the people on Old Navy commercials. So  
  
please, for the love of Old Navy, stop arguing and let's have a good time! Old Navy  
  
forever!  
  
(then everyone starts clapping)  
  
Sarafan Lord: (crying) That was beautiful.  
  
Morlock: Old Navy and Razzyboy are right. (to Sarafan Lord) Let's do like they'd do on  
  
an Old Navy commercial and forgive one another. Sarafan Lord, I forgive you for telling  
  
me to sit on my thumb!  
  
Sarafan Lord: And I forgive you for being an irresponsible ass!  
  
(then they hugged)  
  
Dumah: (crying then getting burned) Razzyboy's right. Melchiah, I forgive the Seer for  
  
being a cheap whore!  
  
Melchiah: I forgive you for being a butthole and knocking off my arms!  
  
(then they hugged)  
  
Moebius: Dean Earwicker, I forgive me for toasting you.  
  
Dean Earwicker: I like toast.  
  
(then they hug)  
  
Turel: Rahab, I don't forgive you for anything.  
  
Rahab: I don't forgive you for anything either.  
  
(then they both go slaughtering people together)  
  
Zephon: (to his strawberry pudding) Strawberry pudding, I forgive me for liking banana  
  
pudding better.  
  
(then Zephon ate both puddings)  
  
Raziel: DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY! (to Kain) Well Kain, are you sorry for blaming all  
  
the bad stuff on me?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Raziel: Bitch.  
  
Kain: Honestly, that Old Navy speech was the stupidest speech ever.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, it was. But it worked.  
  
Interviewer: Let's raise a toast to the sequel!  
  
Everyone except Kain: To the sequel!  
  
Kain: Aw crap.  
  
  
  
[AND NOW A BEHIND THE SCENES LOOK AT THE SEQUEL]  
  
(the scene is the Pillars and it's 3 months later)  
  
Interviewer: Kain, Kain, can you tell us anything about the sequel?  
  
Kain: Yes. The budget is an amazing $10.  
  
Interview: $10?  
  
Kain: Yes.  
  
Interviewer: Why so low?  
  
Kain: So that I can still afford my own amusement park! You see, Raziel really wants  
  
me to be his friend, so I'll say to him that if he makes and pays for the park for me, I'll  
  
let him in! But of course I'll kick him out and laugh at him!  
  
Interviewer: Isn't that a bit mean?  
  
Kain: Who cares!  
  
(then Kain walked over to Raziel)  
  
Kain: Hey, Raziel, if you help build my amusement park, I'll let you in for free, then we  
  
can bond like father and son!  
  
Raziel: (excited) Really! Yippee!  
  
Kain: So, what do you say?  
  
Raziel: (excited voice) Oh, yay! I'll say...no! You're an asshole!  
  
Kain: (confused) What!? What about us being friends?  
  
Raziel: I've thought it over and you're a complete ass!  
  
(then Raziel leaves to work on the sequel)  
  
Kain: (dumbfounded)  
  
Dumah: Ooh, that's a burn.  
  
Kain: Shut up! (to Interviewer) I won't give up. Anyway, I've had lots of auditions for  
  
parts for the movie.  
  
Nupraptor: I think I should be Melchiah because we're both charming. With my glowing  
  
head, I'll blind my enemies and kill them. Just like Melchiah would!  
  
Kain: But Melchiah never did that.  
  
Nupraptor: Crap.  
  
Fuastus: I think I should be Melchiah because I LOVED his taste for clothes! That  
  
rotting skin clothing could make me look like a professional model! I could make rotting  
  
skin a new fashion icon!  
  
Kain: Damn, your ego is too big!  
  
Faustus: Thank you, I try.  
  
Kain: I'm also looking for people to play as Zephon, but I don't think I can find anyone  
  
dumb enough!  
  
Moebius: (excited voice) Ooh, I wanna play Zephon!  
  
Kain: Yep, Moebius' dumb enough.  
  
Umah: I could always play as Zephon.  
  
Kain: Why?  
  
Umah: I could make him look like a complete idiot! Hahahahahahahahaha!  
  
(then Zephon walks on-screen. He was eating pudding then he saw the camera)  
  
Zephon: Hey! It's a memory recorder! (then Zephon starts making faces at the camera)  
  
I must look so weird! Well, I gotta go eat my banana pudding. Bye. (then Zephon walks  
  
away)  
  
Umah: Crap. It's not as much fun making a total idiot look like a total idiot.  
  
Kain: And then there's Rahab...  
  
Dejoule: I think me and my husband should play the part.  
  
Bane: But dear, I think it will not work. I'm planning on cooking muffins that day, it just  
  
wouldn't work out!  
  
Dejoule: Oh dear, maybe not that day. I really like muffins.  
  
Kain: Though they probably won't be Rehab because they're too suburban.  
  
Magnus: WATER IS NOT MY FRIEND! WATER CHEATED ON ME! I NEED MY MEAT!  
  
Kain: If anyone's Rehab, it would be you because I dropped you into the water dozens  
  
of times and you, being the crazy bastard that you are, always came back.  
  
Magnus: I WANTED MY MEAT! MEAT IS MY FRIEND! (then Magnus sees Zephon's  
  
pudding) BANANA PUDDING!  
  
Zephon: (holding his pudding) Get away from my pudding!  
  
Magnus: PUDDING!  
  
(then Magnus starts eating Zephon, who's futilely struggling to keep his pudding)  
  
Zephon: I won't let you win my pudding!  
  
Kain: (to Zephon) Let the Magnus win.  
  
(then Zephon hands over his pudding to Magnus to Magnus wouldn't eat him)  
  
Magnus: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
(then those two left)  
  
Kain: And now I need to find who'll be Dumah.  
  
(Sebastion and Hash'something'something comes in)  
  
Kain: Hash, no! I can't even pronounce your name!  
  
Hash'ak'git: Oh come on! I promise I won't hurt anybody. And I'm damn good at  
  
making the most delicious tea!  
  
Kain: All-powerful or all-sissy?  
  
Sebastion: (holding his broken voice box) And you know why you should choose me for  
  
Dumah, right?  
  
Kain: No.  
  
Sebastion: Dumah was Raziel's most devastating adversary! And I am YOUR most  
  
devastating adversary! Hahahaha!  
  
Kain: (annoyed) A washing machine is a more dangerous adversary than you! A toenail  
  
clipper is more dangerous than you! Zephon's banana pudding is more dangerous than  
  
you!  
  
Sebastion: You're just jealous! (then him and Hash leave)  
  
Interviewer: So that just leaves Raziel and you.  
  
(then Raziel comes up)  
  
Raziel: And, of course, Raziel shall be played by...  
  
Raziel and Kain: ME!  
  
Raziel: (insulted) WHAT!? MY MAJOR ROLE AND YOU'RE TAKING IT AWAY FROM ME!  
  
WHAT THE HELL!  
  
Kain: I'm the lord of Nosgoth, so what I say goes. I say I'll play as Raziel since I'm the  
  
one presenting it! So too bad Razzyboy.  
  
Raziel: YOU VILE BASTARD! AND DON'T CALL ME RAZZYBOY!  
  
Kain: Okay, I won't call you Razzyboy any more. From now on, I'll call you Razzygirl.  
  
Raziel: I HATE YOU SO BADLY!  
  
Kain: But alas, that means Raziel will play Kain.  
  
Raziel: (now very cheery) ME! ME AS KAIN! I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THIS! AHAHAHAHA!  
  
I NOW HAVE THE POWER!  
  
(then Raziel goes running off yelling and screaming with joy)  
  
Kain: I've got a feeling that what I did was a serious mistake.  
  
Interviewer: This is awesome! Well, that about does it with behind the scenes, and I'll  
  
see you at the movies!  
  
Kain: This will be the best movie ever!  
  
Interviewer: Oh, and there's also gonna be a sequel to "Can't Catch Me" and the  
  
sequel's gonna be titled "Still Can't Catch Me" by the genius Marcus.  
  
Kain: Dammit! Marcus has gone too far! I'm gonna call my really good friend Lestat and  
  
we're gonna kill Marcus! Mwahahahahaha! (then Kain got out the only phone in  
  
Nosgoth)  
  
(then some invisible person runs up, snatches the phone, then runs away)  
  
Invisible Person: Can't catch me! Hahahahaha!  
  
Kain: Damn you Marcus!  
  
________________________________________________  
  
Well, you've seen the preview of "Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1" but it unfortunately won't be my next fic I make because I don't have my PS1 and my PS2 is broken and I'm having to get the money to buy a new one, so in the mean time, till I can lay Soul Reaver 1 again, I'm gonna start my own original fic, and I know it probably won't be as good as my parody, but I'm doing it anyway. But, you can expect "Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1", "Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 2", and "Kain Presents: Blood Omen 2" in the future. I'll even do "Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 3" when it comes out. Hope you've liked this fic and don't forget to review. 


End file.
